


The Part-Time Job

by FarishtaFyre



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Bullying, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Secrets, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:27:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 67,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23406769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FarishtaFyre/pseuds/FarishtaFyre
Summary: Merlin, with aspirations to be a doctor, ends up working as a barista at his local coffeeshop due to reasons he decides to keep well-hidden. When he had applied to the job, Merlin had expected grueling work with a satisfactory paycheck to make ends meet. What was supposed to be a simple part-time job ends up teaching Merlin more about life than any of his textbooks could have.In short: a modern!Merlin AU with coffeehouse romance, young adult drama, and secret insights into the barista life.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 156
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

If you had told Merlin that he would be memorizing how many pumps of vanilla go into a grande caramel machiatto (3, by the way) after graduating college—he would have probably laughed in your face. Yet, that’s where he was at. Despite graduating with a dual degree in biology and chemistry, Merlin was sitting on an uncomfortable wooden chair in a stuffy office. In front of him was a computer screen patronizing him with instructions on preparing beverages. The heat from the oversized freezers in the tiny office started to tickle his skin, making everything seem uncomfortable. How had he ended up in this position? He was supposed to be a _doctor_ —not a barista.

Not that he had any real objections to the job. After all, he had applied and interviewed to be a barista. It was coffee—or more specifically, the 1,3,7-trimethylxanthine molecule in his venti coffee that got him through college. He had an impressive resume of extracurricular experiences. He had completed difficult courses like that god-awful physical chemistry course. Yet, he was _here_. Here was the Camelot Coffeehouse.

After what had happened a month ago—which Merlin still refused to speak about—his mother had a proposition for him: live in the town of Camelot under the supervision of Dr. Gaius. There were a few other stipulations that had to be met, but Merlin was as good at keeping his life private as he was at memorizing the recipe for a java chip frappucino. How many times did he have to tell the stupid training module that a venti size java chip frappucino got 5 pumps of mocha?

“You know, before I started working here, they had in-person classes to teach you all of this stuff.” A voice emerged from behind Merlin, the unexpectedness tinging his ears a bright red. Turning his torso, Merlin saw a smiling woman with a slightly stained apron. Her hair was probably supposed to be kempt and combed; yet it was sticking out spuriously at certain parts. Merlin did feel at ease when her smile met his eyes. There was something warm about her. It was almost like a maternal presence even though she looked like she was about the same age as Merlin.

“I’m Gwen, by the way. I work here, as you probably can tell from the mocha stains on my apron. They never come off.” Gwen tittered as she reached behind Merlin to grab some bags of coffee beans. “Well, that’s not true. I know a secret way to get them out.”

“Oh, does it require magic?” Merlin finally spoke, happy to be distracted from the mind-numbing training on the computer screen. Gwen let out a hearty chuckle, shifting the bags in her hands a bit.

“Perhaps. Isn’t a magician never supposed to reveal their secrets?” Gwen smiled before grabbing the edge of the door to leave.

“I’m Merlin, by the way.” Merlin chirped as Gwen walked out the door and back onto the bustling floor. By the nod of her head, Merlin figured that she heard him. Turning his head back to the computer, Merlin aimlessly clicked through some more training modules before he let his mind wander again. In his mammalian physiology class, his professor taught him a trick for understanding any pathophysiology. It involved flowcharts. Merlin was sure he could create a coherent flowchart, with enough time, to examine how he ended up going from being an honored student at commencement to barely making minimum wage.

He supposed part of it was thanks to Gaius. When Merlin had first started applying for jobs, he was looking at clinical centers and hospitals. Merlin got interview invites to these job positions, sure. Yet whenever it was time to interview, Merlin could feel every fiber in his being telling him to run. Run far away from whatever clinic or hospital where he was supposed to be interviewing. He never told Gaius any of this, but his mom’s friend was quite perceptive. It was Gaius’s suggestion to apply to the coffeeshop. While Gaius framed it so that Merlin could get him discounts on his usual cup of coffee—Merlin suspected that Gaius picked up on Merlin’s anxiety toward working in a medical setting.

Fumbling with his fingers a bit, Merlin reached for his iced tea. It was cold outside, sure, but Merlin was in the mood for something refreshing. He normally would go for a latte or something with more caffeine but given how loud his heart was pounding earlier today—perhaps something more calming could help. The iced passion tea was tart, sure, but it wasn’t half-bad with some lemonade.

“How’s the training going, Merlin?” Another voice surprised Merlin. Glancing toward the door where the voice came from, Merlin saw the store manager: Nimueh. She was the one who had interviewed him. While she had an intimidating presence, Merlin shrugged it off to her astute professionalism. From what Merlin understood about the store, it was a high-performing store. Nimueh had taken over from the previous manager and managed to lift the sales and reviews of the store almost as if she used magic.

“Um, good, good, I think.” Merlin scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “It’s a bit patronizing, I think. It shouldn’t be that hard to memorize these recipes and stuff, right?” Nimueh’s laugh in response to his query lifted Merlin’s mood.

“When I started with the company, we had to do a whole class with tests. You should be grateful that it’s just clicking on a screen, now.” Nimueh explained, throwing back some of her long dark hair. “So I’m thinking about your availability and I just wanted to confirm—you said that you were unavailable Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?”

Merlin paused before reacting. Without saying anything, he nodded. Merlin hoped that the next question wouldn’t probe as to _why_ he was unavailable those days. Yet, luck wasn’t on his side.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why are you unavailable those specific days? I don’t believe you mentioned another job.” Nimueh leaned against a shelf, crossing her arms against her chest and leering her sharp blue eyes into Merlin.

“Uh,” Merlin’s throat got dry as he reached for his iced tea, “I help my uncle, Gaius, out on those days.” Thankfully, Merlin had prepared somewhat for that question. It didn’t help that he wasn’t the best liar. He could deflect, but when confronted with a direct question Merlin struggled to stay calm.

“Ah, okay.” Nimueh nodded. “I was hoping to have Elyan train you, but with your availability, I think I could have Gwen train you. She might have come back here a few minutes ago for some espresso beans.” Merlin nodded to confirm that he knew who Nimueh was referring to. In a way, Merlin was relieved that someone warm like Gwen would be showing him the ropes. Merlin could recite all the amino acids—but physical labor was not his forte.

“I’m on the last module, by the way.” Merlin quickly replied. In response, Nimueh arched one of her threaded eyebrows.

“That quickly? I’m impressed. A lot of people take their time with the computer stuff.” Nimueh glanced at the computer screen, as if confirming for herself that Merlin was speaking the truth.

“Oh, yeah, it’s pretty easy.” Merlin shrugged. “You should try memorizing reactions for organic chemistry. That was hard.”

Nimueh didn’t acknowledge Merlin’s comment beyond a slight chuckle. The sound of an oven beeping caught her attention as she parted the door open slightly to peek outside.

“Ah, of course. Whenever it slows down and I try to get some work done, it picks up again. When you finish that last module, Merlin, why don’t you come out so I can show you around the floor?” Nimueh asked although she swiftly left the office without giving Merlin a chance to respond. Sighing, Merlin turned back to face the computer screen and finish his training.

* * *

Before Merlin walked outside the office, he pulled at his sleeves and patted down his apron. It still had folds from it as it had only just been opened from its plastic packaging. Taking one last sharp inhale, Merlin pushed the office door open and walked onto the floor. Gwen, the barista from earlier, was at the cash register. Merlin was amused to read that the company called the cash register the “POS”—or point of sale. Meanwhile, Nimueh was by the oven. The oven was conveniently next to the pastry cart. As the elderly couple delivered their order to Gwen, Nimueh swiftly grabbed the appropriate pastries and bagged them for the customers. Further away from him were two expensive espresso machines. A single barista was stickering cups, steaming milk, pumping syrup and still managing to smile at the lingering customers by the hand-off plane. He had long hair and a sharply trimmed beard. Merlin got a sense that he was comfortable charming customers with whatever witty banter he was channeling.

“Gwaine is great on bar,” Nimueh commented as if reading Merlin’s mind, “but he does talk a lot. Gwen and Gwaine, though, deliver some of the best customer service in the store.” Before Merlin could respond, a sticker printed out from the warming area.

“Ah, Merlin, could you pass me that pumpkin loaf over there?” Nimueh nodded to a tray of pastries. Luckily, Merlin recognized the pastry from the multiple times he had ordered it himself on campus. As he handed Nimueh the pastry, he noticed Gwen sneaking a wave at him.

“I won’t make you make drinks today, but let’s have you practice ringing. Let me set up a register for you and I’ll have Gwen watch over you.” Nimueh announced, speaking both to Gwen and Merlin. As Nimueh walked over to an unoccupied cash register and started tapping on the screen, Gwen slid over toward Merlin.

“Am I going to get to train you? I was worried my brother, Elyan, would get to train you. He gets to train everyone. He’s good at it, but I just got certified as a barista trainer and I wanted more experience—”

“Hey, it’s the Princess! And Morgana!” Gwaine’s loud voice ripped through Gwen’s rambling. Merlin peeked past Gwen and Nimueh as two customers made their way into the store. There was a blond man with sunglasses on and by his side was a dark-haired woman with a glittery purse. They seemed to recognize Gwaine as they walked over to the bar and started a conversation with him.

“Oh, that’s Arthur and Morgana. They’re regulars here.” Gwen explained as Nimueh directed Merlin to assign himself to a cash register. “They tip nicely. Arthur always gets a blonde flat white with hazelnut and Morgana goes for the skim chai tea latte at 180 degrees—oh and she likes no foam. Normally complicated orders like that bug me, but they’re so nice.” Some of Gwen’s words flew over Merlin’s head, but he tried to keep up with her rambling.

As the duo walked away from Gwaine and toward the cash register, Merlin gulped. This was it. His first customers. Smiling like the patronizing videos had instructed him to, Merlin lifted his chin and squinted his eyes to appear more friendly.

“Hi there. I’m Merlin. Welcome to Camelot Coffeehouse. What can I get started for you?” Merlin recited as if reading off his biology flashcards. Morgana smiled eagerly at him before wiggling her eyebrows at Gwen. Arthur finally took off his sunglasses and revealed piercing blue eyes that stunned Merlin for a few moments.

“Oh, a new green bean!” Morgana exclaimed to Gwen as if Merlin wasn’t standing right there. “How exciting!” Gwen nodded her head, rubbing her hand against Merlin’s back. That was the first mistake of the day as Merlin immediately jumped away, recoiling from the touch. This naturally attracted the attention of Gwen, Morgana, and Arthur who shared subtle puzzled looks.

“S-Sorry, I’m weird about being touched.” Merlin tugged at his sleeves, quickly replacing his wide eyes with the practiced smile. Gwen quickly apologized and made a motion to pat Merlin’s back again before recoiling away. Merlin inwardly groaned. Now he was going to get _more_ questions about his weird behaviors. He could just feel it on the tip of everyone’s tongue.

“Oh, Arthur! Morgana! Welcome!” Nimueh returned from the back. “I see you’ve met Merlin. He’s the newest addition to our team. And probably the smartest—he has two bachelor degrees.” Merlin felt his heart drop as the attention was turned back onto him again.

“Oh! How exciting! What did you major in, Merlin? Where did you study?” Morgana asked as she tucked a strand of her long hair behind her ear.

“Uh, the University of Ealdor.” Merlin rubbed his elbow through his sleeve. “I just graduated with a degree in biology and a degree in chemistry.”

“Why are you wasting your time here then?” Arthur finally spoke, an indignant snort moving from his lips. Before Merlin could answer, Gwaine floated toward the conversation from the bar where he had finished making drinks.

“Oh, didn’t you know, Princess? Merlin’s gonna be the store doctor. He’s gonna make sure we’re all healthy and safe. I told Nimueh that I think he’s an undercover narc, but—”

“Gwaine.” Nimueh pursed her lips. “I think a drink just printed out. Can you go make it, please, before you get distracted into another conversation?” Gwaine simply winked at Nimueh before sliding back to the bar. Merlin was still a bit shell-shocked. How did Gwaine even know that? He had barely said a few words to the other man.

“Anyways, what can we get started for you two?” Nimueh smiled, urging Gwen to take over Merlin’s interaction. As Nimueh walked away, Merlin felt his brain turn back on again.

“Um, I think you get the skim chai at 180 degrees, right?” Merlin remembered which impressed Morgana.

“Excellent training, Gwen.” Morgana winked at Gwen who giggled.

“And you get the blonde flat white with, uh, hazelnut, right?” Merlin pointed his gaze toward Arthur who was now suddenly on his phone typing furiously. There was a slight pause before Arthur realized that Merlin was talking to him.

“Oh, yes. My apologies. Mithian texted me.” Arthur replied with an air of nonchalance as he sent a knowing glance to Morgana and Gwen as if describing a secret.

“Yo, Merlin, can you give them my discount?” Gwaine called from bar. “Don’t tell Nimueh, though—she’ll have my head for that.” Gwen giggled again and typed in some code on Merlin’s computer which reduced the price of the drinks Merlin had typed in.

“I thought we weren’t supposed to use our employee discount for other people.” Merlin whispered to Gwen who shrugged.

“Nimueh’s the type of boss where as long as she doesn’t know about it, she doesn’t care.” Gwen explained. “Besides, Morgana and Arthur spend time here enough that they practically work here.”

“Oh, how I would love to get behind the bar one day and make a drink.” Morgana giggled as she inserted her credit card into the machine.

“I would _love_ to let you behind here, Morgana.” Gwaine winked as he walked over with their drinks in hand. Arthur chuckled this time, putting away his phone and dropping a crisp $5 bill into the tip jar.

“Well you all can have fun with that.” Arthur commented. “You couldn’t pay me enough to get behind there. I would hate to have to make some of those monstrosities people order.” As another customer walked through the door, Morgana motioned for Arthur to move away from the line. Before the duo walked away, Morgana pivoted on her heel and turned to Gwen.

“Oh, Gwen! Dragon tonight? Percy, Leon, and the rest of them are meeting up to watch some game.” Morgana addressed Gwen.

“Sure! I close tonight, but we’ll be there.” Gwen waved at them, watching them walk away. Merlin kept his customer service face on but there was a pang of disappointment. It was like he had walked into a movie where all the roles were already taken. While a part of him knew that they likely didn’t mean to intentionally exclude him, it still…wasn’t easy. Like the next order he took which was a tall in a grande cup white mocha with extra whipped cream, cinnamon dolce syrup, and steamed with half almond milk and half coconut milk.

* * *

When it was finally time for Merlin’s break, he politely moved past Gwen and walked to the back office where he finally pulled out his phone. He had a few unread texts which he unlocked his phone to read. There was a text from Gaius about how he was preparing some stew for dinner and he would leave a portion for Merlin in the fridge. There was another text from his campus about some update to the campus security. What caught Merlin off guard, though, was a text from an unknown number:

_Hey Merlin heard you were in Camelot, now. We should grab coffee. Ever heard of Camelot Coffeehouse? :)_

Despite not recognizing the number, Merlin’s hands trembled with fear. He knew exactly who had sent this message. Glancing at his phone once more before locking the screen and tucking it back into his pocket, Merlin let out an exasperated groan. Did this mean that he would have to see the person who sent this text? Did they frequent this place? How did they know Merlin was here? What did they want to say or do? Why were they in Camelot? All these questions raced through Merlin’s head as he nervously tapped his fingers against his pant pockets.

This was just supposed to be a simple part-time job.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: alcohol abuse, very strongly implied self-harm, and subtle anxiety descriptions.
> 
> If you need support, please text 741-741 to talk to a trained crisis counselor. Alternatively, you can reach out to the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or talk to them on their website (https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/).

The next time Merlin glanced at _that_ text message was when he stomped inside Gaius’s house. He had just finished his first shift at the Camelot Coffeehouse. Instead of being relieved that his first day went well—Merlin was now fixated by this text message. This was supposed to be a fresh start—not an homage to the past.

“Hey, Gaius?” Merlin walked through the living room into the kitchen where Gaius was sipping some tea and reading a book. The elderly man gave Merlin a brief smile before putting down his book.

“Merlin! How was your first day?” Gaius grinned, which was a bit uncharacteristic of the usually stoic man. It still warmed Merlin’s heart to see Gaius express such emotion. “I told Hunith that you would do well there. It would be a nice change of scenery given everything else that’s gone on.” Merlin made a mental note to call his mom later, but a more pressing question popped into his head.

“Um, Gaius, did you or mom tell anyone that I moved in with you?” Merlin licked his lips, watching Gaius’s brow furrow with confusion. After a few moments, Gaius shook his head which only puzzled Merlin some more.

“No, no. I don't think I mentioned it to anyone.” Gaius moved from his seat and walked over to Merlin. For a moment, Merlin froze but Gaius had learned not to place his hand on Merlin’s shoulder. Instead, Gaius just peered at Merlin.

“Did something happen?” Gaius lowered his voice. Merlin shook his head and quickly applied his practiced customer service face.

“N-No, not at all.” Merlin smiled. “I had a good day at work, by the way. Met some nice people. The pay rate isn’t too bad, either. Where did you put that stew you made?” Merlin walked away to open the fridge. Unfortunately, Gaius’s curiosity was piqued.

“Did you see someone from Ealdor? Sometimes, people actually make their way out here.” Gaius stood by as Merlin withdrew the stew from the fridge and placed it into the microwave. “You know Hunith and I respect your privacy. No one else knows why you’re here.” This relieved Merlin a bit, although he still had questions lingering on his mind. How, then, did this person know that he was in Camelot?

“Mmm, Gaius, your stew smells delicious.” Merlin abruptly changed the topic. He knew Gaius could see right past him, but luckily Gaius conceded and let the topic change. Right as Merlin thought he was safe, another question was launched toward him:

“Are you ready for your first appointment tomorrow?” Gaius asked. Merlin winced visibly, but Gaius was likely used to asking difficult questions to his patients. Sighing as he waited for the microwave to finish reheating the stew, Merlin turned to look at Gaius.

“Y-Yeah. I got my insurance card and everything ready. It should be interesting. I’ve never done it before.” Merlin mumbled. For a moment, Merlin swore he saw a flicker of concern flash across Gaius’s face. But if it was there—it was gone in the next moment.

“Excellent.” Gaius nodded as if checking off a list in his mind. “Well, carry on, then.” Merlin felt some relief as Gaius headed upstairs. It dawned upon Merlin that Gaius was specifically waiting for him to come back from work, which was touching to say the least. Merlin was still getting to know the physician.

As he sat down with the stew (which wasn’t half bad), Merlin sent his mother a quick text to let her know how he was doing. Merlin then opened up the text message that had been nagging him and simply stared at it. Perhaps there was a part of him that hoped just by staring at the message, it would disappear.

Merlin then weighed his options. He could reply and open the door to a new chat with someone he did _not_ want to talk with. He could ignore the message and then risk running into the aforementioned person at work. Or Merlin could just throw his phone away and live in the woods. The third option seemed really appealing right now, especially as Merlin finished the last bits of Gaius’s stew.

Glancing at the dark sky outside, Merlin decided a late-night walk would be a good solution to his problems. He knew by referring to it as a “solution” he was merely distracting himself from dealing with the problem. Still, Merlin zipped up his coat and grabbed his keys before leaving the house. He had never really established boundaries with Gaius but given that he was 21—Merlin hoped that Gaius wouldn’t care if he left the house. Besides, Merlin would do it all the time back in Ealdor.

As Merlin stepped outside, he let the brisk air caress his cheeks. There was something freeing about being outside and away from people. Making his way toward the main road, Merlin assured himself that an evening walk was exactly what he needed. Pulling at his sleeves as if to comfort himself, Merlin started walking aimlessly.

How had he ended up here? He was supposed to be Dr. Merlin Emrys. Now he was neurotic, paranoid, afraid, and lonely. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Yet, somehow life had changed his path and here he was. Merlin then decided he knew exactly where he was going to go. He knew it wasn’t a good idea. But if it shut out the thoughts in his head—then it couldn’t be all bad, right? With a half-hearted pep-talk to himself, Merlin walked toward the local pharmacy and browsed the aisles until he came across what he wanted: straight-edge razors.

* * *

“A lot of people struggle with overwhelming emotions. It’s as if the knob is turned to maximum volume on much of what they feel. When they get angry or sad or scared, it shows up as a big, powerful wave that can sweep them off their feet.” The lady spoke aloud, reading from a large green book. Pausing, the woman pressed a bookmark into the edge of the page before closing the book.

“Does anyone else here relate to that?” The lady looked around the room, trying to find someone who seemed interested in replying. Merlin was sitting at the edge of his seat, desperately avoiding eye contact with the counselor.

Here he was: in a stuffy room surrounded by strangers where he was supposed to open up about his thoughts and feelings.

“I do, Dr. Mora.” Someone in the group replied as the dark-haired woman nodded and smiled.

“Please, just call me Helen.” She chuckled with a jubilant tone. For a moment, Merlin swore he could feel her eyes on him. He desperately looked at his lap to avoid eye contact.

“You know, people struggling with overwhelming emotions often deal with their pain in very unhealthy, very unsuccessful ways because they don’t know what else to do.” Helen commented. Merlin internally scoffed, although her next words surprised him. 

“That is actually understandable.” Helen spoke after a pause. “When someone is in that much emotional pain, it’s hard to be rational and to think of a good solution.” Merlin actually reflected on those words, relating to them more than he would admit.

“Some people spend a great deal of time thinking about their past pains, mistakes and problems.” Helen opened up her book and started reading from a checklist. Merlin mentally placed a checkmark to that statement.

“Some people get anxious worrying about possible future pains, mistakes, and problems.”

_Checkmark._

“Some people isolate themselves from other people to avoid distressing situations.”

_Checkmark._

“Some people make themselves feel numb with alcohol or drugs.”

_Checkmark._

“Some people engage in dangerous behaviors, such as cutting, hitting, picking at, or burning themselves or pulling out their own hair.”

_Checkmark._

“Some people engage in unsafe sexual activities, such as having sex with strangers or having frequent unprotected sex.”

_Checkmark._

“Some people attempt suicide or engage in high-risk activities, like reckless driving or taking dangerous amounts of alcohol and drugs.”

_Checkmark._

“Some people avoid pleasant activities, such as social events and exercise, maybe because they don’t think that they deserve to feel better.”

_Checkmark._

“These people often surrender to their pain and resign themselves to living a miserable and unfulfilling life.”

Wow, Merlin was almost certain at this point that Helen was reading from his own personal journal that was safely hiding away in his closet.

“While it’s understandable that people engage in these behaviors,” Helen commented as she closed her book again, “the costs of these behaviors are pretty clear. They all lead to the pain being prolonged into long-term suffering.” Merlin understood what Helen was saying. It all made logical sense to him. Yet, emotionally, a part of him was yelling at her and telling her that she didn’t understand. After all, how could she?

“As we continue our sessions, we’ll work on distress tolerance skills. It won’t be easy, but I assure you that it’ll be rewarding the more time you devote to it.” Helen spoke as if she was a teacher addressing her pupils. Merlin wanted to believe her and believe that maybe things could improve. But when he thought back to that text message he was ignoring and the fact that he was in Camelot—Merlin felt like Helen was only spurting out false platitudes.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Merlin was the first of the group to leave once they were dismissed. He made his way back home, slightly relishing in the fact that Gaius lived so close to the hospital. As if in a trance, Merlin walked inside and to his room where he pulled out a small box. In the small box was his only friend. A friend that did magic—he had read about it online. It was a dark thought: _I draw with silver and it turns red_.

* * *

Something convinced Merlin that using his employee discount to get a calming iced tea was a good idea. He wasn’t sure what exactly compelled him to do such a thing, yet he found himself walking toward his workplace. When Merlin walked in, he tried to keep a low profile. Today presented a different set of workers. There was a tall dark man at the bar making drinks while a younger girl with long dark hair stood at the cash register. Walking over, Merlin waited his turn in line. The first thing he noticed when he walked to the register was that the barista’s name was Freya. It was a nice name.

“Hey what can we get started for you today?” Freya chirped in a quiet voice.

“Um, can I have a grande iced passion tea? No liquid cane sugar, please.” Merlin mumbled as he fetched into his pocket to grab some dollar bills. “Oh, and I have employee numbers.” This attracted Freya’s attention as she looked away from her screen and at Merlin.

“Oh, do you? Wait, are you the new guy?” Freya exclaimed, looking over at Merlin as if assessing him. This made Merlin uncomfortable, but he did his best to remain calm. He nodded quietly as he pulled out some wrinkled bills.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. We take care of each other here.” Freya smiled as Merlin watched his drink suddenly become free. He couldn’t resist a smile.

“Thanks, Freya. I’m Merlin, by the way.”

“I can’t wait to work with you, Merlin!” Freya spoke as a customer appeared behind Merlin with a list of drinks to order. Merlin gave Freya another warm smile before walking over to an empty table. It was next to what seemed to be a young couple, although Merlin wasn’t sure. Either way they ignored him as he sat near them as they seemed engrossed in their conversation.

What caught Merlin’s attention, however, was when he recognized a name that came from their whispers:

“Arthur is _so_ hot.” The guy whispered which made Merlin question his notion that this was a couple. “His face was like carved from marble or something.”

“You’re _so_ gay, oh my gosh.” The girl giggled. Merlin wondered if they were talking about Arthur—the guy with Morgana who walked in yesterday.

“Hey, I agree that Morgana is hot, too. That family must have some nice genes.” The guy giggled as he took a sip of his drink. Merlin wasn’t sure why he was eavesdropping, but he went along with his impulse.

“Yeah, they can obviously afford designer jeans—oh, you’re talking about like genetics!” The girl snorted earning a similar laugh from her companion.

“My mom is on the town board and she heard an interesting rumor though about the Pendragons.” The guy continued talking. The girl leaned closer although the guy didn’t change his pitch at all.

“They say that Uther, their dad, paid off a judge.” The guy announced, proudly grinning as if he revealed the world’s biggest secret. In response, the girl did gasp.

“Paid off a judge? For what? Wait, how would your mom know this?” She took a swig of her drink and wiped off some of the residual whipped cream from her lips. Merlin’s curiosity was piqued at this point and he was wondering what kind of secret he had stumbled upon. Sure, he was a neurotic mess—but he still loved hearing gossip.

“Well, she saw him talking to this judge at the courthouse and she swore she saw him hand the judge a check. And we all know Uther Pendragon is not into charities.” The guy explained as if he was describing the color of the sky.

“Why would he need to pay off a judge?” The girl questioned, tilting her head slightly.

“Didn’t you hear about that party last year that Arthur hosted? Where a kid _died_?” The guy spoke quickly, as if worried that someone would overhear him.

“What?! I mean, yeah, I heard about the party but the kid died in a drunk driving accident.” The girl pulled out her phone and typed in something before showing her screen to her friend. “See? He was in the car with someone drunk and they were speeding and crashed and yeah. It was like pretty sad.”

“Well, the rumor is that they were coming from Arthur’s party. Even more interesting was that they were underage so like not twenty-one.” The guy’s voice rose for a moment before mellowing down. At this moment, the barista at bar called out Merlin’s name with his drink. Merlin quickly rushed over to the hand-off bar and made his way back to the table where he pulled out his phone to appear busy. The couple gossiping about the Pendragons, however, seemed unbothered.

“But aren’t Arthur and Morgana like hot-shots? I mean Arthur was the quarterback that took the high school to states a few years ago. He also got like an athletic scholarship, too. Isn’t he trying to be a businessman or something?” The girl seemed to have a lot of questions, Merlin noticed.

“Yeah, and Morgana beat him out with an athletic scholarship and an academic one thanks to her flawless grades.” The guy rolled his eyes. “Can you imagine being the richest people in town and getting a full ride to college while the rest of us have to pay?” If Merlin was sitting by them, he would have raised his glass to that notion. He purposefully avoided looking at his student account with the loans he took out to pay for school.

“Yeah, well it’s also unfair when you realize how Morgana was a bitch in high school. I mean, so was Arthur. Gosh, they made so many people cry.” The girl scoffed. Merlin remarked to himself that it was funny how they went from admiring the siblings to trashing their name.

“Well, this is Camelot. Home to affairs, secrets, and drama.” The guy laughed. “Anyways, I gotta bounce for my shift at the grill. See you at the Dragon later?” Merlin immediately turned back to his phone and accidentally opened up the text message he had been avoiding. He was grateful for the distraction that his eavesdropping had delivered to him.

Sipping his drink, Merlin remained oblivious of his surroundings. This, unfortunately, rendered him ignorant to an approaching figure. By the time Merlin noticed that someone was approaching him, it was too late: he was stuck.

“Merlin?” A familiar voice stabbed through Merlin as he froze. Unable to put on his customer service façade, Merlin immediately looked up from his phone and saw the person he had hoped to never see again: Edwin Muirden.

To Merlin’s utmost horror, Edwin smiled as he took a seat from the table that was previously occupied by the gossiping couple. 

“I texted you yesterday.” Edwin spoke as if everything was normal. Merlin gulped and took another sip of his tea before clearing his throat. He wanted to escape. He could feel his arm stinging and crying. He wanted release. He needed to be home. He needed to not be here.

“O-Oh, yes, I-I was busy.” Merlin tried to force a smile. Edwin shrugged, taking a sip of his drink.

“Glad your number is still the same. I was worried it had changed.” Edwin commented, prompting Merlin to mentally kick himself. That would have been a great excuse to use. Edwin had wavy golden hair and a glazed look to his eyes.

“How did you know I was in Camelot?” Merlin finally mustered up the courage to ask, hoping to seem pleasant so that Edwin wouldn’t notice any change in his behavior that would prompt any more uncomfortable questions. Edwin had a knack for noticing whenever Merlin’s behavior changed.

“My mom works in the same unit as Gaius and she overheard Gaius mentioning having to make dinner for his nephew. My dad was the one who remembered that your mom and Gaius were siblings. You remember my folks, right?” Edwin continued chatting as if Merlin wasn’t thinking about crying right now.

“Yeah.” Merlin muttered.

“We should hang out soon, _friend_.” Edwin smiled, taking a moment to look at Merlin’s cup. “Oh, iced tea? I never took you for someone who liked cold drinks.” Merlin wished that the ground would open up and swallow him whole. While his wish didn’t come true, perhaps the next best thing happened.

“Is that Merlin?!” Morgana’s familiar voice echoed throughout the store as Merlin and Edwin turned to see Morgana, Gwen and Arthur walking into the store. Gwen had her work clothes on with her apron folded in between her arms. She imparted a warm smile toward Merlin as they made their way to Merlin.

“Huh, looks like you’ve made some new friends.” Edwin remarked before taking another sip of his drink. “I’ll leave you to it, then. Gotta run some errands. I’ll text you later, _wizard_.” Merlin felt his heart stop in response to that nickname. He _loathed_ that nickname. As if on cue, Edwin walked away from the table as Morgana, Gwen and Arthur appeared. Gwen and Arthur seemed to be having a discussion that was cut short when Morgana sat near Merlin.

As Merlin exchanged pleasantries with the group, the gossip he had overheard replayed in his mind. He glanced at Arthur and for a moment—as if living in an alternate life—Merlin could see Arthur pushing people into lockers and laughing at kids like himself. When Merlin glanced at Morgana, he also could see how her kind smile could be twisted into something more venomous.

“Was that a friend of yours?” Morgana asked as Merlin shrugged.

“More like an acquaintance.” Merlin quickly replied. “So I heard that you and your brother were graduating school?” This seemed to catch Morgana and Arthur off-guard as they shared a glance with each other and Gwen.

“Oh yes!” Morgana replied with the same rushed tone as Merlin had. “I also just finished my studies. I’m currently at Camelot Medical School.” Merlin felt his chest drop. Morgana was where _he_ was supposed to be.

“Oh, you’re gonna be a doctor.” Merlin tried to sound as happy as he could for Morgana who didn’t seem to notice his mood.

“Yes!” Morgana smiled. Arthur and Gwen had returned to their previous conversation which led Morgana to talking on behalf of Arthur.

“Arthur is finishing up this semester in a few weeks.” Morgana commented as if hoping to get Arthur’s attention, although it didn’t seem to work. Arthur and Gwen were engrossed in their conversation.

“That’s cool.” Merlin commented. Gwen luckily broke through the conversation with Arthur and glanced at her phone.

“Oh shit!” Gwen exclaimed. “I have to go clock-in. Be right back!” Gwen rushed into the back as she waved at Freya and the other barista on the floor.

“That’s Elyan, Gwen’s older brother.” Morgana whispered to Merlin. “They’re actually half-siblings.”

“Morgana.” Arthur replied in a chiding tone which didn’t seem to affect Morgana at all. Merlin wasn’t sure how to respond to Morgana airing out Gwen’s personal life to him. As if on cue, Gwen re-appeared and walked over to them.

“I’ll get your drinks started,” Gwen nodded at the siblings, “and are we still on for Dragon tonight?”

“Sure, why not?” Arthur shrugged as Morgana nodded eagerly.

“I need a drink after my lab today. It’s going to be rough, I’m sure.” Morgana commented. Merlin felt another twinge of something as he could hear himself echoing that he was supposed to be in medical school, too. Merlin pretended like he had to take a phone call so he quickly walked away. He noticed, from the corner of his eye, that Morgana and Arthur got their beverages and were leaving. Once he felt like it was safe to sit back down again, Merlin put away his phone (and noted how sweaty and clammy his skin was) and sat back down.

A part of him knew that if he returned home, he would end up in his bedroom crying again with a razor in his hand. When Gwen offered him a piece of pumpkin bread, Merlin decided that maybe he would kill some more time. After all—Edwin was gone for now and Gwen’s presence was inviting.

* * *

“Oh, Merlin! Take my number!” Gwen was on her first break after a few hours. Merlin had been killing time reading articles about random things on his phone and was surprised when Gwen took a seat beside him. Merlin quickly opened up his contacts app to note down Gwen’s number and then sent her a quick text with his number.

“Just in case you need a shift covered or something.” Gwen commented as she laid back into her chair. “I always need the money. School’s expensive.”

“What are you studying?” Merlin asked, putting down his phone.

“Mechanical engineering.” Gwen commented off-handedly before showing Merlin a meme on her phone. Merlin was impressed. Engineering was possibly the hardest major at his school and Gwen seemed so calm about it.

“Hey, mechanical engineering is pretty impressive. Not a lot of people can do that. I hated math.” Merlin explained which made Gwen blush.

“Thank you.” Gwen sighed. “It is a lot of work. I like the labs better. Building things.” As if a thought then dawned upon Gwen, she turned to look at Merlin. “If you don’t like math, why are you into science?”

Merlin chuckled at that question as he had asked himself that question many times while studying for his calculus final. Like for most questions directed toward him, Merlin was prepared.

“I like the human body and mind. I can tolerate math, it’s just not that easy for me.” Merlin explained.

“Ah, well Nimueh made you seem like a genius.” Gwen replied, quickly adding onto her words. “Not that you’re _not_ a genius, but I—”

“Oh, is that how Gwaine knew about me wanting to be a doctor? I told Nimueh about it in my interview.” Merlin spoke as he had the epiphany. Gwen seemed a bit embarrassed as she leaned closer to Merlin.

“I should tell you, as a friend—our store has a bit of a gossiping problem.” Gwen paused before giggling. “Not many stores are like ours, but a lot of us hang out outside of work and talk.”

“I noticed.” Merlin simply replied. Gwen didn’t seem to take any affront to his response and kept on talking.

“You should get some advice from Morgana! She’s incredibly smart.” Gwen exclaimed. Merlin thought back to the gossip he had overheard about Morgana receiving multiple scholarships. He could sense that behind her polite veneer, Morgana was studious. It explained why she seemed to be studying Merlin.

A part of Merlin wanted to ask Gwen about what he had overheard, but he also recognized that it could make him look bad to contribute to the gossiping. He decided to stay quiet about it. He was also grateful when Gwen delivered another iced tea for him, free of charge.

When Merlin finally decided to head home, he waved farewell to Gwen and the other baristas working. Despite the good mood that Gwen had put him in, Merlin suddenly felt an emptiness gnaw at him as he left the store. He was going to be alone again when he walked home. Gaius was there, sure. But it wouldn’t do much to stop the onslaught of those feelings that came every night.

“When they get angry or sad or scared, it shows up as a big, powerful wave that can sweep them off their feet” Helen’s voice from earlier that day echoed in Merlin’s mind. Reaching into his pocket, Merlin saw that he had his debit card and his ID with him. He knew what his next stop would be. How expensive could a bottle of the cheapest vodka be, anyways?

* * *

“ _I-I’m sorry! I’m an awful person! I-I deserve this I know I do!_ ” Merlin sobbed on the phone, tears running down his face. He shoved his arm into his mouth as if to hold back the tears and crying, but it kept on streaming out.

“ _I hate myself. I know I’m the cause of all of these problems_.” Merlin continued crying as he held the phone to his cheek. “ _Everyone should hate me, too. If they knew what I did…no one would want to talk to me_.”

“ _I’m sorry for bothering you, I know I shouldn’t._ ” Merlin hiccupped a bit. He wiped his face and put down the phone while the other person on the line was saying something. He quickly grabbed that favorite box of his before picking the phone back up.

“ _I’m sorry again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._ ” Merlin chanted like a spell. With a final sigh, he hung up on the person mid-sentence and started rolling down his sleeve. It was like a ritual, what he did. It was like magic.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for alcohol/addiction, self-harm, and some very lightly implied bullying.

Waking up to Merlin felt like the last call at a bar: when the lights finally come on and everything looks like shit. Sure, his room was pretty well-organized. As the light from his windows seeped into his eyes, Merlin started to feel a lot of things at once: nausea, thirst, soreness, fatigue, and shame. As if to ground himself, Merlin recited a pathway he had once memorized for a neurology course he took.

“Retina…hypothalamus…suprachiasmatic nucleus…” Merlin chanted as if casting a spell. It was a pathway that described the stimulation of neurons upon waking up and gaining consciousness. He finally mustered up the courage to look around his room, as if expecting a disaster. It wouldn’t be the first time he woke up feeling gross. He remembered some of his days in college—drinking 2 bottles of wine before lecture—and then waking up next to some older man that Merlin didn’t recognize. Stuffing those memories away, Merlin sniffed the air around him. The last thing he would want is for Gaius to suspect that Merlin was abusing alcohol. He certainly wasn’t—after all, he had studied the symptoms _and_ the neurobiology of addiction in college. He knew the signs and this wasn’t it—after all, he was just a bit tired from having seen Edwin yesterday. It was just normal drinking. Nothing abnormal at all.

Struggling a bit to lift himself from the carpeted floor, Merlin teetered a bit as he regained his balance. While he didn’t know what time it was, Merlin had guessed from the surrounding silence that Gaius had already left for work. Merlin supposed he was fortunate as he wouldn’t be sure how to explain to Gaius why he was drinking alone in his room. He wasn’t an addict, of course, but would Gaius see it that way? Gaius wouldn’t understand everything he was feeling. There wasn’t any point in bringing up conflict between them when Merlin could just make it easier by making everything seem okay.

His arm, though, was a bit itchy. Perhaps itchy wasn’t the right word to describe the feeling. It was like his arm was screaming, but his wrinkled sleeves were muffling the screams. Taking a moment to pause, Merlin pulled down his sleeve and winced. Bright red kisses from his best friend were scattered across his arm. He supposed that the alcohol might have loosened his inhibitions a bit. Merlin vaguely remembered one of his professors making a joke about how researchers have suggested that some dosages of alcohol can be effective as pain-killers. Merlin figured that the bile rising in his throat and the pounding headache pulsating through his body weren’t an indication that he had an appropriate dosage of alcohol. But it was okay—Merlin justified to nobody—since college kids did it all the time. He didn’t have a problem.

What became a problem was when Merlin finally walked back into his bedroom and looked at his phone. He had nearly a dozen missed calls and close to a dozen text messages. Unlocking his phone, Merlin saw that they were all from the same number:

3:18:02 AM | _Merlin—are you okay?_

3:19:09 AM | _Merlin please reply back so I know you’re okay <3_

3:21:22 AM | _I’m really concerned you sounded awful on the phone it sounded like you were drunk_

3:22:01 AM | _If you were drunk please drink some water or Gatorade. Eat a banana, too. Dad taught me that it can help._

3:24:09 AM | _Also keep a bucket near you in case you yack_

3:24:37 AM | _Sorry I’m blowing up your phone_

3:25:03 AM | _I know it’s late but if you need to talk I’ll be awake for a bit longer_

3:33:05 AM | _I haven’t heard from you in a bit, Merlin. I hope you’re doing okay <3 _

3:34:13 AM | _Call me when you get up :)_

Merlin froze. Did he…In college, Merlin had an unfortunate penchant for making drunk calls. Usually, they were giddy and stupid and it was easy to laugh them off. Merlin started swearing under his breath as he paced around his room.

Why was Gwen, his coworker, texting him about him being drunk? Merlin then switched to his call log and saw that he had indeed called her around 3 in the morning.

“Fuck!” Merlin screamed, fighting the urge to cry. What had he done? Fuck. Gwen was going to corner him. Fuck. What was he going to say? Merlin quickly paced around, trying to think of excuses. It would help if he remembered what he had said to Gwen. Merlin hoped that even the influence of alcohol wouldn’t be enough for him to spill all his secrets. After all, if Gwen even knew some of the god-awful things Merlin had done—he could probably kiss his job goodbye.

To make matters worse, Merlin confirmed with the picture of the weekly schedule on his phone. He was supposed to be training with Gwen today. Fuck. Visions of dramatic interventions flashed in his mind. What if Gwen told everyone? What if Gwen told Morgana or Arthur? How would they react? Merlin started tapping his fingers against his thighs as if to release the nervous energy in his body. He wasn’t sure if catharsis actually worked—maybe he could look up some research papers later to distract himself—but _fuck_.

Running a hand through his unkempt hair, Merlin glanced at the time again, this time actually paying attention to it. He had a few hours before his shift started. Maybe he could prepare for the worst. But first, a shower would probably help. Even though a part of Merlin _hated_ showering especially after his magic show where he drew with silver to make red. The hot water stung as if the lacerations were screaming at him. He already screamed at himself enough in his mind—he wasn’t sure if he could take anymore screaming in the silent house.

Sighing wistfully, Merlin resigned himself to hoping that his life wasn’t some type of dramatic story where everyone would suddenly intervene.

* * *

By the time Merlin walked to the Camelot Coffeehouse, he felt a bit more at ease. He prepared his response for Gwen. He went out with some friends (he’ll make up some names later) and had too much to drink. They watched one of those movies where the dog unites a family and then dies. And then Merlin got way too emotional. He’ll apologize for blowing up Gwen’s phone so late at night and then try to make a joke to distract her. Or he could deflect and investigate what she and Arthur were talking about so fervently the last time they saw each other—when Edwin finally left Merlin alone.

_Edwin_.

Merlin shuddered, inwardly hoping that the other man wouldn’t be at the coffeehouse now. Maybe Merlin was boring to him now and so he would leave Merlin alone. After all, he hadn’t received any text messages from Edwin since their last interaction. What if, in a way, Morgana, Gwen, and Arthur had saved him from Edwin? A bit amused at the thought, Merlin kept his head low as he entered his workplace.

Naturally, since the universe probably hated him, Gwen was the first person he saw while she was making drinks on bar. She was in the process of steaming a pitcher of milk when she noticed him. Merlin swore that she nearly fumbled the steaming pitcher, but he was impressed with how calm she appeared. Her eyes, however, told a different story. They had concern, confusion, and curious tinted over them. 

“Hi, Merlin!” Gwen politely greeted him as if he was any other customer. Merlin waved in response as he continued his trek into the back office to put down his stuff. Nimueh was typing furiously on the computer. Merlin hoped to simply drop off his bag in the back and leave her alone so that she wouldn’t be bothered by his presence. Unfortunately, the door creaked very loudly and Nimueh shot her gaze back. Her hardened expression softened upon seeing Merlin which made him uncomfortable. Visions of Gwen talking to Nimueh about Merlin flooded through his mind.

“Merlin! How are you doing?” Nimueh took a break from whatever long composition she was typing. Merlin took that moment to wonder if Nimueh and Morgana were related. They both had similar porcelain skin with dark, long hair. Their eyes also had piercing gazes to them. Merlin figured he knew how he appeared to everyone: lanky with big ears and a weird smile.

“Uh, good.” Merlin smiled. “A bit tired. Nothing out of the ordinary.” Merlin dropped his backpack on the shelf and stuffed his hands in his pocket. “How was your day?”

“Oh, the usual! We killed it in the morning and earned nearly 80% of our sales.” Nimueh bragged. “Then, a child—you know Paulina’s kid, right? Well she decided to vomit on her table. That was not so much fun to deal with. I had to call in an incident report and check-in to see if they needed an ambulance or anything. If anything, I think Paulina was embarrassed.” Nimueh chattered onward, leaving Merlin to simply respond with head-nods. Finally, after letting out whatever thoughts were in her head, Nimueh glanced at the schedule on the wall and then darted her eyes back to Merlin.

“Oh! Today Gwen gets to train you. I have you on under training time so labor doesn’t fly out the window. Gwaine’s also going to be working today. Matthew will be running the shift.” Nimueh mentioned, tapping her fingers against the desk. “Matthew’s kind and protective of his baristas. He hates when customers try to scam us for free drinks or food. You’ll like him.” With that final note, Nimueh turned back around and let Merlin suit up for work. Trying to calm his shaking hands, Merlin wrapped his apron around his waist and was about to walk outside when Gwaine suddenly stumbled through the door.

“Merlin!” Gwaine squeezed Merlin’s shoulder as he moved past him. Unbeknownst to Gwaine, Merlin immediately shuddered and ran out to the floor. He knew he was a freak for not liking to be touched. How could he even begin to explain that quirk to anyone?

When Merlin walked onto the floor, Matthew gave him a warm greeting before telling him to shadow Gwen on bar. Gwaine bemoaned about having to be on register for the night, but when Merlin glanced over, he winked and pulled out his phone. When Matthew was occupied, Gwaine shoved his phone in between the cash register and one of the wooden slots. If Merlin could guess what Gwaine was doing on his phone—it almost looked like one of those dating apps, like Tinder.

“Merlin.” Gwen curtly greeted him. Merlin assumed his customer service persona and smiled at Gwen.

“Gwen.” Merlin placed his hands behind his back as he watched Gwen tidy up the bar as she somehow maintained to watch him closely. “I think you’ll be showing me how to make drinks today.”

“Y-Yes! Nimueh and Matthew had mentioned that.” Gwen nodded excitedly, which Merlin took as a good sign. “Bar is quite easy once you get to the hang of it. Nimueh mentioned that you probably have already memorized all the recipes.” Merlin chuckled in response to that, shaking his head.

“Sure, I know how many pumps go into a latte,” Merlin confessed, “but if that Deborah lady returns with her 3-and-a-half pumps of skinny vanilla and 5 pumps of chai, then I may surrender the bar to you.” Gwen laughed in response—and she had a beautiful laugh, Merlin noted.

There was some silence as they overheard Gwaine flirting with one of the elderly ladies at the cash register. Gwen whispered something about how Gwaine being responsible for their generous tips. Once the order was finished, a sticker printed out at the bar with the order.

“Ah, a tall mocha!” Gwen exclaimed. She made a motion to reach for the cup before pausing and staring at Merlin. “Why don’t you actually try to make this? I’ll be here the whole time, I promise.” Merlin’s heart jumped a bit, unsure if he was ready to actually make a drink. Nodding as if to assure himself, Merlin grabbed a small cup and pumped 3 pumps of mocha into the cup.

“Do you remember the next step, Merlin?” Gwen cocked her head, watching Merlin intently.

“Uh, actually, I think I messed it up.” Merlin winced. “I was supposed to start steaming milk, according to the beverage routine, right?” Gwen laughed, shaking her head.

“Oh please. Hardly any of us actually follow that routine. We do whatever works best for us.” Gwen mockingly chided Merlin. “But yes, you should start steaming milk. Here we go.” And the two of them worked to steam milk, queue espresso shots, and then apply whipped cream to the beverage. Merlin finally handed it off to the woman who simply smiled in response.

“Wow, my first drink. That wasn’t too bad, right?” Merlin smiled. Gwen nodded, giggling a bit.

“It was great!” Gwen smiled. “We’ll work on the foam to milk ratio later, but I doubt Gertrude will care.” Merlin felt some of the tension flow off from his shoulders. Gwen was making this awkward situation a lot easier to manage. He wondered if she would bring up anything from last night (or earlier this morning, Merlin supposed).

His answer was quickly answered a few hours later into his shift.

* * *

“So, um, Merlin.” Gwen played with the edge of her apron as she and Merlin were tasked with restocking their fridges with milk. Merlin expected another pop-quiz question on making a drink and eagerly looked up at Gwen as he shoved the last gallon of milk into the fridge.

“Last night.” Merlin froze in response to those two words. Fuck.

“G-Gwen, I…”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Gwen crouched near Merlin. Gwaine sometimes eavesdropped on their conversation, so Merlin supposed Gwen was just ensuring no one else would hear them. “I won’t pry. I want to pry, I mean. But I won’t.” Merlin wasn’t sure how to reply. That was _not_ what he was expecting.

“Uh, um, thanks.” Merlin sputtered, really unsure of what to say. He was grateful the store was basically empty and that Matthew was busy in the back pulling food.

“B-But” Gwen’s voice wavered a bit. “I-If you ever do want to talk about, I-I would be happy to listen. If you need someone. I know you have that other guy with the curly hair—”

“Edwin is not my friend.” Merlin spat, although in hindsight he wondered if that abrupt declaration was a good idea. Gwen seemed visibly surprised but quickly composed herself again.

“Anyways, I won’t…I won’t bother you about this anymore.” Gwen smiled as she stood back up. Merlin gave her a grateful smile that hopefully imparted how truly grateful he was for Gwen’s space and respect for his boundaries. A part of him wondered how she would react if she knew what plagued Merlin’s mind.

“Oi,” Gwaine’s voice called out, “are you two done making out? Wanna help me count the food for the night?” Merlin and Gwen flushed but quickly made their way to help Gwaine pull the expiring food so he could count it.

When Merlin thought about Gwaine, he realized that Gwaine wasn’t lazy by any means. He was actually quite intelligent. Merlin noticed that Gwaine seemed to have a strategy where he exerted the least amount of effort. It was helpful, Merlin, supposed. Instead of tediously washing every drip tray, Gwaine swore Merlin to secrecy as he showed him how they simply rinsed it under the sink instead of doing the whole wash-rinse-sanitize routine.

When Matthew took his break, he left Gwen, Merlin and Gwaine on the floor alone. Gwaine naturally took this time to idly chitchat about whatever was on his mind while Gwen and Merlin attended to restocking cups, lids, syrups, and so forth.

“Merlin, I heard a rumor about you.” Gwaine commented after telling a quite-graphic story about how this one girl picked up him for a date and then turned out to be asexual but her friend, who was in the car with her, wanted to know the dick sizes of some of the workers at the store. Gwen was visibly disturbed, and Merlin did his best to avoid commenting. When Gwaine brought up a rumor about Merlin, the thin boy glanced at Gwaine with confusion.

“I-I…what kinda rumor?” Merlin furrowed his brow in confusion. He glanced at Gwen, wondering if she had talked to Gwaine about anything. The confusion in her eyes, though, assured Merlin that she didn’t say anything.

“It was an interesting rumor.” Gwaine teased, flipping back his hair. “I heard that you have never touched alcohol or any type of drug before.” Merlin nearly choked and started coughing while Gwen darted her eyes between Merlin and Gwaine.

“What…where…who…” Merlin seemed so confused.

“Well, the truth is, Morgana said that she couldn’t find you on Facebook.” Gwaine lazily remarked. “Twitter. Instagram.” Merlin nodded, confusion still buzzing around his head but prompting Gwaine to continue.

“She sees you as some sort of lock-in that’s never experienced the joy of living.” Gwaine grinned as he moved closer to Merlin, close enough to whisper in his ear. “She might end up inviting you to the Dragon or something. We _love_ popping the cherries of vodka virgins.” This provocative comment made Merlin flush and he immediately stepped away. Gwen chuckled softly.

“I think what Gwaine means to say,” Gwen rolled her eyes, “is that you’ve attracted her attention. Some of us go out to the bar across the street for drinks. It’s called The Golden Dragon, but we just call it The Dragon.”

“Yeah yeah,” Gwaine waived his hands at Gwen dismissively. “So what do you say, Merlin? Gonna let me test your limits?” Merlin felt his face flushing again as he mumbled some incoherent nonsense.

“I _think_ what Gwaine is trying to say,” Gwen turned away from Gwaine to look at Merlin, “is that you should come out with us.” Merlin pondered the idea. He wasn’t sure how to feel. He definitely noticed Gwen’s concerned look which he presumed came from whatever drunken nonsense he had said to her.

“Um, I’ll think about it. Thanks.” Merlin nodded briefly before rushing to the back to find some more non-dairy milks to restock. A part of him wanted to laugh. If only they knew how wrong they were about Merlin’s supposed innocence. A part of him wondered if he could out-drink them. That would be an amusing trick to pull.

Gwen approached him as Gwaine found himself distracted with a customer. Her worried eyes definitely prepared Merlin for what she was going to say.

“You know, you don’t have to drink if you come out with us.” Gwen whispered. Merlin had to commend Gwen’s thoughtfulness. She was so nice it was almost startling.

“Um, thanks. I’ll see.” Merlin shrugged. A question then nagged on his mind as he turned back to Gwen.

“Why was Morgana looking me up on social media? I don’t keep any, but that seems…odd.” Merlin confessed. Gwen shrugged as she helped carry some of the coconut milk out to the bar.

“Morgana has some eccentric behaviors.” Gwen mentioned. “I will say that she does seem to be interested in you more than the average new worker.” Merlin was puzzled at this until an obvious answer came to his mind.

“Oh! I wonder if it’s because I was on the pre-med track in college.” Merlin suggested which Gwen seemed to agree with.

* * *

A few hours later, approximately an hour before the store was to close, Merlin wasn’t surprised to see Morgana and Arthur stomp inside. Morgana was pleasant, as usual, but Arthur seemed grumpy. Gwen and Gwaine shared a knowing look, as if the four of them knew something that Merlin didn’t. Merlin figured his best bet here would be to act oblivious. Still, racing thoughts about Morgana’s previous days as a bully and Arthur’s previous partying past did appear throughout Merlin’s mind.

“I take it that dinner with the king didn’t go too well.” Gwaine commented, typing in the drinks and applying discounts to them so they were free. Merlin noticed the printer spitting out the labels so he decided to be proactive and start making the drinks.

“That’s an understatement.” Morgana scoffed. Gwen pouted a bit as she walked away from the bar to give Morgana a warm hug. Matthew glanced at them, but he was busy mopping the bathrooms. Merlin supposed he didn’t really seem to care about much else than doing his job.

“I can’t wait till I get my degree and then I can find somewhere else to work.” Arthur leaned against the pastry case, directing his comments more toward Gwaine than anyone else. Merlin was nearly done with Morgana’s drink before he started Arthur’s drink. He found himself a bit distracted with the frustration that was apparent on Arthur’s face.

“I’m sorry, you two.” Gwen pursed her lips apologetically. “I wish there was something that I could do to help. I’m sure Matthew wouldn’t notice if a few pastries mysteriously disappeared.”

“Gwen, you’re always so sweet.” Morgana giggled. “I’m quite full from dinner. If I’m going to have spend time with that man, I suppose I’ll take advantage of his wallet.”

“You all are lucky.” Arthur commented as Merlin quietly walked over to deliver the drinks. “I don’t know what the big hullaballoo is about being wealthy. If anything, it seems far more stressful than anything else. At least you can get aid from the government or what not if you’re poor. When you’re rich, everything is about status and duty and commitment.” Arthur ranted. His comments did sting a bit at Merlin, who never had the luxury of wealth. When Merlin glanced at Gwen and Gwaine, he couldn’t tell if they agreed or disagreed with Arthur. Perhaps, Merlin conjectured, they were just not in the mood to correct Arthur.

“I’m sorry that you—”

“Sorry, what was that?” Arthur leaned closer as all eyes went toward Merlin and his mumbling.

“W-Well, I just…I’m sorry that you, um, are having a hard time.” Merlin felt his nerves shaking. “But you know, it’s not that easy of a dichotomy. The government doesn’t really provide aid for everyone who needs it. The thresholds are quite stupid and complicated.” Merlin was about to offer his own experience, but then he decided that no one needed to know about the nights he spent helping his mom, Hunith, deciphering the complicated forms for receiving federal aid for food stamps.

“That sounds fake.” Arthur rolled his eyes. “Listen, Marvel, when you’re born into a rich family, your whole life is decided for you. I can’t spend my time majoring in gender studies at Harvard or art history even if I wanted to. Everything is part of the plan.”

“That doesn’t mean that you don’t benefit from being rich. It’s Merlin, by the way.” Merlin commented.

“Hey, I’ll just say this—you don’t know my life and what I’ve been through. You have no idea what it’s like for me.” Arthur hissed, a sense of frustration easily coloring his features. This comment did upset Merlin some more. Who was Arthur to assume that _he_ knew how it was on the other side?

“There are dozens, if not hundreds, of sociological or psychological studies that demonstrate how wealth is something that helps your life.” Merlin continued. “I could print—”

“Oh, please.” Arthur scoffed. “It’s just that propaganda trying to erase the fact that we live in a meritocracy. Your hard work determines your worth.” Merlin noted that Gwen took this time to step away. He wondered if part of it was because she agreed with Merlin.

“Arthur, I think Merlin is just—”

“Morgana, I’m not really in the mood to be lectured by some barista about how easy my life should be since I’m rich.” Arthur chided. He took a sip of his drink and then put it down. “Especially a barista who can’t even put the right roast of espresso. I asked for a _blonde_ flat white.”

“Well, technically, you didn’t ask for anything. Gwaine generously gave you a free drink.” Merlin narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t sure what was prompting him to even have this debate with Arthur.

“Excuse me? Do you know how much I tip here?” Arthur glared at Merlin and despite Morgana’s best attempts to calm Arthur down, the two men continued to engage in a stare-off.

“Thanks?” Merlin shrugged. “I can remake it i-if you want.” Merlin’s heart was racing. He wasn’t good with confrontations so maybe appealing to the nicer side of Arthur.

“I would rather someone with more than two brain cells make my drink, like Gwen or Gwaine.” Arthur noted. “Especially not someone who thinks that money is the solution to all of life’s problems.”

“Arthur.” Morgana glared at Arthur with a fiery demeanor.

“What, I’m just saying that before Martin over here judges me despite knowing nothing about my life because I have more in my bank account than him—”

“Mate.” Gwaine finally intervened, nervously darting his eyes between everyone in the store.

“I’m sorry that mommy and daddy didn’t work harder enough to give you a good life, Marco. Do you know how many times I’ve been targeted or threatened or chided for being wealthy?” Arthur’s nostrils were flaring. The comment about “mommy and daddy” seemed to break something in Merlin as he put down his sleeve of cups and glared at Arthur.

“You fucking prat.” Merlin whispered. Arthur, Morgana, Gwaine and Gwen all seemed surprised by Merlin’s words. “It would be lovely if I could commit a crime and then get away with it. My mom can’t pay judges off as well as your dad—YOU CLOTPOLE!” Merlin flinched as hot milk and sugar landed on Merlin. When he wiped away the foam at his eyes, Merlin saw Matthew escorting Morgana and Arthur out of the store. Matthew didn’t seem to have to do much convincing to get Arthur to leave. Morgana looked back with an apologetic face.

“Merlin, are you okay?” Gwen grabbed a dry rag to help clean Merlin off. Tears were prickling at the edge of Merlin’s eyes. Did Arthur really just throw a drink at him?!

“Here ya go.” Gwaine handed another dry rag. “Mate, at the risk of sounding like an ass like Arthur did—you might have stepped over a line here.” Merlin glanced at Gwaine as Matthew started mopping around him to clean up the excess milk.

“What? Did you even hear what Arthur was saying?” Merlin said in disbelief.

“We did.” Gwen softly spoke. “Arthur has a temper. His life isn’t easy. You’re not wrong when you commented on how he may have it easier with his money.” Her dabs with the rag were quite comforting, Merlin would admit.

“I like you, Merlin.” Gwaine shrugged. “But bringing up the judge thing was a low blow.”

“I-I…” Merlin tried to find words to defend himself but he sighed in defeat. Gwaine was right. Merlin wasn’t right in using that gossip to hurt Arthur. After all, it confirmed what his thoughts had said—Merlin wasn’t a good person.

“How…how do you know about that?” Gwen asked in a gentle voice. Merlin shrugged as he used his long sleeve to wipe away some prickly tears at the edge of his eyes.

“I-I don’t know. I overheard some people talking about it the other day.” Merlin commented.

“You should apologize.” Matthew finally chimed in. “I’m not saying that Arthur can’t be an idiot sometimes. And he was wrong to throw a drink at you. But I think it’s clear that you brought up something personal to hurt him. And you're on the clock, here.”

“Me?! Apologize?” Merlin was taken aback. He was the one dripping with milk. But after a pause, Merlin nodded his head. “I can apologize the next time I see him.”

“I also hope you know that doesn’t mean Arthur is innocent here.” Gwen said after she came back from dumping the soaked rags in a bin. “He shouldn’t have thrown that drink at you or talked to you the way he did.”

“Yeah…” Merlin commented although he could feel himself shaking as the scenario replayed in his mind. What the fuck did he just do?!

“Merlin, why don’t you go home early? We’re ahead on our closing tasks.” Matthew ran a hand through his beard. “And don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. You wouldn’t be the first person to face the Pendragon wrath.”

“He’s probably the first to actually make a good point to Arthur, though.” Gwaine chuckled. “Princess does have it well—he doesn’t have to work while he’s in school and everything’s paid for.”

“Yes.” Gwen nodded. “But that doesn’t mean that Arthur’s life isn’t…hard at times. There are things he--we don’t know.” Merlin felt like he couldn’t handle the conversation anymore so he politely excused himself to pack up and go home. Without saying many more words, Merlin departed the store and started his trek home.

Merlin glanced up at the stars and started reflecting on some of his memories. The choke in Hunith’s voice when she would ask him for money when he was working nearly 20 hours a week in high school. The late payment notices that Hunith would try to hide from Merlin. Sure, Merlin had a father. His home life…was complicated to say the least. Merlin always tried his best to support his mom. But for Arthur to flagrantly talk about how easy Merlin had it compared to him? That wasn’t right.

Then again, it wasn’t right for Merlin to use that knowledge to hurt Arthur. He knew that bringing up that information—which was now confirmed to be true by Arthur’s reaction—was mean. It gave an uncomfortable nostalgic feeling to Merlin. It was as if he could hear Edwin’s voice whispering in his ear as Merlin remembered the time he “accidentally” spilled water on one of the other kids at school. Merlin groaned as he felt a familiar pounding in his head.

The Hippocratic Oath that he would take when starting his career as a doctor talked about doing no harm to others. Yet, here he was, hurting people again. Merlin knew he worked tomorrow and he had a sneaking suspicion he would run into Arthur and Morgana again. He wasn’t looking forward to that confrontation.

After Merlin played with his “magic” blade, he quickly fell asleep with nightmares about Edwin, Arthur, and Morgana. Maybe he was right to suffer the way he did. After all—if he was a good person, maybe he wouldn’t be in the position that he was in.

Guess he wouldn't be getting that invite to the Dragon anytime soon...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for implicit self-harm, bullying, somewhat graphic sex, sexual talk, and physical aggression.

It had been nearly a week since that milk-throwing incident. To Merlin’s surprise, he hadn’t seen Morgana or Arthur in the following days. He sincerely did want to apologize, although a part of him was grateful that he didn’t have to see Arthur. Between attending group therapy sessions at the hospital and training under Gwen’s warm supervision, Merlin tried to keep himself occupied. Nimueh seemed to have a knowing smile on her face whenever she encountered Merlin which led him to suspect that she knew. And if Nimueh knew—Merlin had a sneaking suspicion that the entire store would know about how Merlin bit Arthur’s head off and how Arthur threw a drink at Merlin. When it dawned upon Merlin that someone—likely Gwaine or Gwen or Elyan—were keeping Arthur and Morgana aware of when Merlin worked, he wasn’t sure if he should have felt offended or grateful.

Gwen, naturally, had checked-up on him like a caring mother. It was sweet, but Merlin honestly wanted to just forget about that night. He had made a complete ass of himself! Part of him wondered if this was the universe punishing him for his past. After all, perhaps karma was a real thing: maybe Merlin’s past was coming back to haunt him in unexpected ways. It would explain running into Edwin unexpectedly and not being in medical school and being in group therapy sessions with strangers.

The next time Merlin walked into work, he noticed that Elyan was running the shift. It would just be Merlin and Gwen on the floor which meant that he was finally flying solo. Merlin felt confident he could ring up people just fine (although the complicated orders still stunned him). Making drinks was more-or-less a disaster, but Merlin figured he would work his way up to working on bar. Gwen assured him that it took nearly everyone a few months to be comfortable making drinks.

Merlin found himself wondering about Gwen. Sure, she was sweet and caring. But she was a food-service worker studying mechanical engineering. Yet she also associated herself with wealthy people like Morgana and Arthur. While Morgana mirrored Gwen’s niceness—it didn’t carry nearly the same weight as Gwen’s wholeheartedness. To put it in a way, Merlin felt like Morgana’s smile never met her eyes in the few times he interacted with her. Gwen was quite beautiful, Merlin could admit that, although he wasn’t sure if she was in a relationship or not. When Gwen, Arthur and Morgana had stumbled upon Edwin and Merlin that one day—Merlin wondered if there was something going on between Arthur and Gwen.

Once the shift started, Merlin wasn’t surprised to find himself pretty occupied with ringing customers up, warming food, fetching pastries, brewing coffee, and helping restock cups and lids for Gwen. They would make faces at each other, especially when complicated orders printed out from the sticker machine. But there wasn’t really a set time for them to converse like there had been during previous shifts.

Things seemed to be going alright until Merlin got on his first break and checked his phone. Unfortunately, there was a message from Edwin:

3:37 PM | _Hey Merlin :) What are you up to tonight?_

Merlin wondered if he should even bother replying. He wasn’t interested in stepping back into that familiar dance with Edwin. Sure, Edwin wasn’t all bad (hey—look at Merlin practicing those dialectical skills Helen constantly chirped on about) but Merlin knew that Edwin still meant bad news. If Merlin ignored the text, he had a sneaking suspicion that Edwin would end up making an appearance at the coffeehouse. The less he had to see Edwin in person—the better Merlin would feel. Getting a shiver down his spine as some past memories flashed through his mind, Merlin tugged at his sleeves. His “magic blade” hadn’t seen much rest, lately. Merlin justified this, though, exclaiming to himself that he was dealing with stress. Deciding he would reply to the text later, Merlin stepped back into the stuffy office to suit back up for work.

The first thing he noticed upon coming back to the floor was that Gwen’s normal warmth had dissipated. Sure, she still seemed friendly—but her smile didn’t emanate around her movements as it normally did. For a moment, Merlin wondered if he did something wrong—perhaps he said the wrong thing or processed an order incorrectly. He didn’t get to ask Gwen if she was okay when Elyan immediately dismissed her for her first break. The only thing Merlin did notice was that Gwen’s phone was in her front apron pocket as opposed to her pant pocket—was she texting someone?

“Merlin, could you make sure the hot tea bags and coffee beans are restocked while there are no customers?” Elyan commanded. He was certainly stricter than Matthew, but Merlin didn’t mind: he appreciated having someone to distract him so he could escape his head. Noticing that no customers seemed to be approaching the point-of-sale, Merlin took that excuse to walk to the back office to grab some extra tea bags. For some reason, that “medicine ball” drink was _so_ popular these days. Merlin didn’t understand the hype around it. It was simply a blend of green tea with chamomille tea and some honey. It certainly wasn’t a miracle in a cup. Yet with the high volume of “medicine ball” drinks he was selling, Merlin wondered if people thought it was a potion.

Forgetting to knock on the office door, Merlin swung it wide open and was shocked to see a puffy-eyed Gwen. Quickly wiping her eyes, Gwen smiled at Merlin as the door creaked behind him.

“A-Are you okay, Gwen?” Merlin asked, his brow furrowing. His mind immediately went to the customers. Some of them were vulgar with Nimueh, Freya, and Gwen. Just because they were paid to be nice to the customers didn’t mean that they were actually interested in the customers.

“Yes, of course.” Gwen sniffed unconvincingly. Merlin raised an eyebrow as he squatted to reach into the reservoir of tea bags. “Just allergies.”

“I don’t recall the news saying that the pollen count was high today.” Merlin muttered. Gwen seemingly ignored his comment before pulling out her phone again and typing furiously. She definitely was sending a text message to someone. With Gwen’s silence lingering in the air, Merlin took that as his cue to return back to the floor.

* * *

It wasn’t until after Gwen’s half-hour break that Merlin finally got some information. It had been quiet enough. While Elyan was on his break, Merlin and Gwen were assigned some cleaning tasks to complete while there were no customers. As they both sprayed down the fridges and wiped out any smudges, Merlin finally mustered up the courage to say something to Gwen beyond drink orders.

“So…are you actually doing okay?” Merlin whispered. Gwen was a bit caught off guard by Merlin’s question as she paused her intense scrubbing. Merlin figured he was going to get another silent answer but to his surprise, Gwen stood back up and stared him down.

“It’s Arthur.” Gwen sighed. “We’re sorta fighting. About you.” Gwen’s confession immediately made Merlin stand back up as his jaw dropped.

“M-Me? F-Fuck, is this about last week?” Merlin nervously ran his hand through his hair. Gwen seemed to wait a moment before answering, as if considering her words carefully.

“Yes—and no.” Gwen quickly added. “It’s complicated. Arthur thinks that you’re an idiot.” Gwen rambled, making Merlin take note that sometimes his coworker lacked tact.

“Well, I suppose that’s a fair assumption for him to make after last week.” Merlin dwindled on his words. “I still maintain that I made his drink correctly. I did have a good teacher.” Merlin wiggled his eyebrows a bit, as if hoping that humor would lighten Gwen’s mood. There was something infectious about her smile, Merlin admitted to himself.

“I’m defending you a bit,” Gwen turned away from Merlin to continue wiping down some of the smallwares, “and Arthur’s taking it as me picking you over him or some lunacy like that.” A moment later, Gwen pivoted her heel and gaped at Merlin.

“Not that picking you would be lunacy” Gwen’s cheeks flushed a bit. “I just suppose Arthur isn’t used to people calling him out on his words. We usually just let him rant without really commenting on how absurd some of his ideas are.”

“No offense taken,” Merlin waved his hand, “I can be a bit crazy sometimes.” That small joke seemed to take a chip at Gwen’s upset demeanor as she let out a small smile. Merlin replayed Gwen’s words again and then he made an abrupt realization.

“Wait, you choosing _me_ over him—are you and Arthur dating?!” Merlin gasped. Gwen’s eyes shot open from her position as she blushed even harder.

“I don’t know if we would call it dating.” Gwen mumbled. “And not that Elyan knows.” Merlin noticed that Gwen’s eyes darted to the back office where Elyan was eating his dinner.

“Then what would you call it?” Merlin cocked his head.

“Well we talk a lot.” Gwen shrugged. “And we’ve, um…this is slightly awkward to talk about.”

“Please, I had to listen to old wrinkly men talk about sperm at 8 in the morning during college. This can’t be any worse than that.” Merlin chuckled, more at his theory about Gwen and Arthur being right than anything.

“Well we’ve hooked up.” Gwen whispered again as if Elyan was lingering around. “We would be talking just about stuff. And then one thing would lead to another. We haven’t…talked about it much. But we just talk.” Gwen sighed.

“I’m guessing…you would rather talk about what you guys are.” Merlin hazarded a guess.

“Yes, but I also understand that perhaps Arthur isn’t ready for a relationship. He made that pretty clear a few times.” Gwen started playing with the ends of her apron nervously.

“That’s not really fair to emotionally and physically entangle with you and then not place a label on it.” Merlin shrugged. “Not that I’m the most objective source since I’m not really too…um, fond of Arthur. But you’re really good looking, Gwen.” Merlin winced at his words as he realized that he was likely insinuating something that he shouldn’t. Gwen’s blush only confirmed that his words were being interpreted the wrong way.

“N-No, not that I mean—look, I mean I see how that group of old men look at you, Gwen.” Merlin spoke quickly as if to ward away his own rising blush. “It’s gross, but it does make it clear that they would rather have you than their wives.”

“Merlin!” Gwen giggled. For a moment, there was a comfortable silence between the two baristas as they looked at anywhere but each other. “There’s a rumor that the grill near the Dragon is the place where swingers meet-up.”

“Swingers?!” Merlin exclaimed.

“Yes, don’t you know? The couples who play with other couples.” Gwen spoke as if this was obvious information. “Oh, I’m surprised Nimueh didn’t give you the run-down. The Dragon has drug deals and prostitutes. The grill has swingers. I’m sure the bar across the street is where the mistresses go for their affairs.”

“My head is about to explode.” Merlin dramatically moaned. “Why is Camelot such a clusterfuck?!”

“It’s a small but busy town.” Gwen giggled. “People here don’t have much else to do besides engage in stupid things like that to make time pass.”

“I presume you’re talking about the wealthy people.” Merlin grinned. “Cause between working shifts here and—” Merlin paused, realizing he was about to tell Gwen about his hospital meetings. His awkward silence certainly didn’t help his case as Gwen peered at him with curious eyes.

“Uh, I meant to say that I volunteer at the hospital down the street.” Merlin quickly lied. “Yeah, it’s a new thing. But um, I do that and I work here and I can’t imagine having the time to juggle an affair.” Gwen seemed to accept his fib as she laughed along with Merlin.

“You may have a point there.” Gwen chuckled. “Morgana has told me about the lavish parties where the older drunk men hit on the underage girls. It’s like considered normal.” Gwen scoffed. That piqued Merlin’s interest—not necessarily the idea of drunk old men preying on underage girls but the mention of Morgana.

“Does…Morgana know?” Merlin lowered his voice. Gwen stared at him for a moment before laughing.

“What _doesn’t_ Morgana know?” Gwen rolled her eyes. “She is my best friend, so yes, she knows. She doesn’t necessarily enjoy it when I’ve talked about the physical stuff with her about Arthur.”

“I wonder why Morgana doesn’t want to hear about Arthur’s pillowtalk.” Merlin scoffed, prompting Gwen to blush again.

“It’s not like that!” Gwen waved her hand. “Morgana just thinks that I can do better than Arthur.” Merlin was in silent agreement, but he chose to keep those thoughts to himself. A customer finally appeared outside the door prompting Merlin and Gwen to return to their assigned positions.

The customer looked out-of-place, for sure. Merlin noticed his overtly large backpack and his scruff. He couldn’t be much older than Merlin, but whatever sharp features he might have had were buried underneath matted hair on his face. Merlin watched with curious eyes as the man dumped his backpack on a chair. When the man made a motion to walk toward the register, Merlin moved his eyes toward something else as if the man would have noticed that Merlin was watching him.

“Hey, uh, what time does this place close tonight?” The man asked. Merlin glanced at his phone before looking back up at the man.

“In about 2 hours!” Merlin smiled with his best customer service voice. The man nodded and Merlin prepared himself to take the man’s order. To his surprise, the man simply returned back to his seat where he pulled out a book to read. Merlin couldn’t decipher the title from his position, but he was definitely intrigued. The jumbled backpack and the ragged appearance—was the man homeless?

Gwen seemed to have the same thoughts as she ushered Merlin to walk over to her.

“I think he’s homeless.” Gwen whispered. “I believe I’ve seen him once at an intersection asking for money.”

“Should we tell Elyan?” Merlin whispered back, hoping not to make it obvious that he and his co-worker were talking about the customer.

“No, no. Elyan’s too by the book. He’ll have the customer removed.” Gwen pondered. “If he comes up for a drink, Merlin, could you give him my full discount?”

“That’s nice of you, Gwen.” Merlin smiled. “Oh, and I wanted to say this earlier. Please don’t worry about defending me to Arthur.” Merlin’s statement seemed to take Gwen by surprise again as she peered at her coworker.

“Seriously. I want to apologize to him. But you shouldn’t have to get into an argument about me. You also barely know me.” Merlin admitted. He was flattered that Gwen would actually defend him but Merlin also knew better than to get himself involved between people.

“I’ll think about it.” Gwen huffed. “I’ve been encouraging him to come up here but he is insistent on avoiding you.”

“To be fair, I would avoid myself after the comment I made.” Merlin muttered.

“How did you know about that?” Gwen quietly asked, moving herself closer to Merlin so they could keep their voices low.

“The, um, accident? I overheard some people talking about it.” Merlin opened up, recalling that afternoon. “I heard that, um, Arthur’s dad paid off people so that Arthur wouldn’t be incriminated in that accident. I also heard that Morgana was…well, a bitch to some people.” Gwen took Merlin’s words with some pause as she likely contemplated how to respond. Merlin didn’t blame her hesitance.

“Morgana and Arthur…” Gwen spoke slowly. “They have changed.” Merlin wasn’t sure what to make of Gwen’s answer. Did that mean the gossip was true? Merlin figured as much. But it only created more questions. Why was someone as nice as Gwen friends with them, then? What made them change?

Before they could continue their conversation further, the homeless man finally walked over to the counter. Merlin would keep his thoughts to himself here, but he wouldn’t deny that the man seemed to hide some handsomeness. Not that Merlin was good at imagining the homeless man without his beard, but Merlin could detect some type of…something.

“Hi, I was wondering if I could get a tall mocha. With whole milk, please.” The man requested. Merlin glanced at Gwen who started to steam the milk.

“You said the magic word—please—so now I have to give you a free drink!” Merlin exclaimed as he turned away from Gwen to face the customer. The man’s eyes widened as he was pulling out stacks of quarters from his pocket. “What name can I put on the drink?”

“Lance. But, please,” Lance glanced at Merlin’s nametag before continuing, “Merlin—I would hate to get you in trouble.”

“Naw, don’t worry about it.” Merlin shrugged. “Gwen and I practically run this place, don’t we, Gwen?” In response, Gwen snorted out some laughter as Elyan returned from his break. To his surprise, Lance smiled, too.

“Well, I’m honored to meet you two.” Lance smiled. “I appreciate your generosity, Merlin.” Before Merlin could say much more, Lance walked toward the hand-off bar where he picked up the drink from Gwen.

“And thank you, Gwen. I’m sure the drink is nothing short of delicious.” Lance nodded as he walked back to his table. Merlin swore he could see Gwen blushing, but he decided he would tease her later when her brother wasn’t sweeping up coffee beans around her.

* * *

Sometime later, Merlin noticed that his phone had a missed call. It was Edwin. Merlin’s heart dropped as he realized that he never replied to the other boy. It seemed like Gwen decided it was her turn to check-in on Merlin and so she suddenly appeared by his side.

“You look like you just saw a ghost.” Gwen teased. “Is there someone in your life?”

“O-Oh no!” Merlin stuffed his phone in his pocket, thankful that he hadn’t saved Edwin’s name and all Gwen could see was a random phone number. “I’m single and happy.” Merlin swore he heard Elyan snort from the back, but he decided to ignore him.

“Missed call? I also noticed you staring at your phone.” Gwen smugly smiled. “And as someone who had a similar face at their phone, I can tell when something is going on.” Merlin paled for a moment which seemed to give Gwen a moment to consider the situation. Her voice lowered again as Elyan went to go clean the bathrooms.

“I-Is…is this about that call?” Gwen twisted her fingers together, unfortunately reminding Merlin about the drunken phone call he made to Gwen. The only customer in the store right now was Lance, so Merlin figured that he was safe from anyone overhearing.

“Um.” Merlin wasn’t sure whether to lie or not. If he said yes, then Gwen would likely ask him more about why he had drunkenly called her and said whatever he said. If he said no, then Gwen would perhaps pester him for more information on the missed call. Merlin realized he was at a disadvantage here, having talked to Gwen about her problems. Naturally, Gwen would want to return the favor.

“Let’s…just say that it’s someone I don’t want to hear from.” Merlin left it as vague as he could. Gwen seemed to get the hint as she didn’t say much else about it. Elyan fortunately returned from the bathrooms and made a motion to Merlin.

“Merlin, could you pull the expiring pastries, please? We need to count inventory before we close tonight.” Elyan said as he walked to the back sink to work on another load of dishes. Merlin nodded and started to work on his assigned task. To his surprise, there was quite a few pastries expiring today. Gwen had mentioned that sometimes Matthew overpulled food when he did the food pull.

“Psst…Gwen.” Merlin motioned for Gwen to walk over to him. “Maybe…we could offer Lance some of this food? If you or Elyan don’t want it, of course.”

"Please, I’m sick of our food.” Gwen chuckled. “But…that’s a kind gesture. Elyan would freak, though. I can distract him, if you want. You wanna talk to Lance?” Merlin entertained the idea before agreeing. Gwen shuffled to the back to talk Elyan’s head off about something while Merlin stuffed some pastries into a nearby brown bag. He looked back where Elyan was engaged in a conversation with Gwen before walking over to Lance.

Lance seemed to notice him coming because he put down his book and gave Merlin a quizzical look. Merlin was sure Lance noticed the brown bag by Merlin’s side.

“Um, we were going to throw out some pastries.” Merlin moved the bag forward. “We thought you might want some.”

Lance darted his eyes between the bag and Merlin. He seemed confused, to say the least.

“I…I appreciate the gesture. But I cannot take it. That would certainly cause some trouble.” Lance replied.

“Nah, I told you—Gwen and I basically run the store.” Merlin grinned. He felt at ease to make jokes with this random stranger. There was something comforting about Lance's overall presence.

“I suppose that’s why Gwen is distracting the other gentleman while you approach me. I can’t imagine giving away free food is looked upon favorably here.” Lance surmised, surprising Merlin.

“Uh…” Merlin was at a loss for words. “I…”

“You both are very kind.” Lance nodded at his drink. “But I cannot accept that generous of a gift.”

“We’re just going to throw it out anyways.” Merlin shrugged. “None of us want it.” This seemed to pique Lance’s interest as he glanced at the bag again.

“I…I still cannot accept it. I do not have nearly enough money to cover the cost of one of those pastries, let alone a whole bag.”

“It’s free, Lance. On the house.” Merlin explained.

“Thank you, Merlin, but I’m afraid I still cannot accept your gift.” Lance sighed wistfully. Merlin thought about making another request, but he figured he was running out of time before Elyan would walk back onto the floor.

“Well…if you change your mind, the bag will be here. Just ask me or Gwen for it.” Merlin smiled. Lance nodded before returning back to his book. For a moment, Merlin could have sworn that he heard Lance’s stomach growl. Yet Lance’s face seemed impassive.

When Gwen and Merlin recongregated, Gwen seemed surprised that Lance rejected the food.

“I…I didn’t think anyone could refuse free food.” Gwen seemed shocked.

“He’s definitely…an interesting homeless person.” Merlin commented.

“Oh gosh, we’re such bad gossips. Come on, let’s go back to cleaning before Elyan roasts us.” Gwen changed the topic abruptly. Merlin tagged along, although he did catch Gwen giving Lance another look before fetching the bucket of sanitizer solution.

* * *

10:05 PM | _Hey Edwin—just got out of work. Pretty tired tonight. Gonna head to bed._

Merlin figured his text message would be appropriate. Short and sweet and to the point. As he waved goodbye to Gwen and Elyan, Merlin started his trek back home. It was a good rest of the shift. Somehow, Lance had disappeared while Gwen and Merlin were working on some closing tasks. They both made an agreement to let each other know the next time they saw the man.

To Merlin’s surprise, he received a text message back from Edwin far too quickly for his liking.

10:06 PM | _No worries. Catch you later wizard._

Merlin felt a wave of nausea crash against him as he stuffed his phone back in his pocket. He certainly didn’t want to deal with Edwin after dealing with a physically demanding shift at the coffeehouse.

Merlin wasn’t sure he could even explain his relationship with Edwin. They were friends, but they weren’t. Merlin hated who he was around Edwin. He certainly didn’t enjoy being around Edwin. Yet there was this pull that Edwin had on Merlin which made him feel weak. It was why he couldn’t speak past the rising bile in his throat whenever he saw Edwin. It made him feel subservient and dumbfounded.

When Merlin’s phone vibrated, he wondered if Edwin had something else to say. Surprisingly, he noticed that it was Gwen:

10:08 PM | _Thanks for talking to me today, Merlin. You’re very sweet._

Gwen included some emojis, but Merlin definitely felt his heart flutter. It wasn’t that he was interested in Gwen like that. Sure, she was beautiful. But Merlin…well, there was something else he wanted. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud, even in his thoughts. He had worked so hard to suppress that side of him. Devoting himself to studying and books and everything. The moment he even allowed the thought to cross his mind—Merlin was afraid he would be caught like a criminal.

He, Merlin Emrys, was…

Gosh, he couldn’t even say it in his thoughts. Here he was—someone accused of having a drinking problem and someone who used a razor against his arm to cope with stress. Yet he couldn’t even voice a thought in his head without immediately telling himself to shut up.

He, Merlin Emrys, was…

Fuck, he couldn’t say it. How could he?! If he said it, then his bullies won. They would be right about him. They would have justification in what they did to him. They would have evidence to support every bruise they landed. Every insult they threw. Every prank they pulled.

He, Merlin Emrys, was…

His heart racing, Merlin was glad he finally reached Gaius’s home. His thoughts were retaliating against the distraction that work had provided him. It was like they were mad at him for trying to silence the toxic words they wanted to throw.

He, Merlin Emrys, was…

Merlin was thankful that Gaius was asleep by the time he came home. Sitting on the sofa, Merlin tried to count his breaths. He could feel some type of…attack coming along. He needed to silence those thoughts. He knew he could run upstairs and find his “magic blade.” But maybe he could try something else.

Stepping back outside, Merlin tried to close the door as quietly as he could behind him. He glanced at his phone, noticing the time. For a moment, an idea danced around in Merlin’s head. He looked around before scrolling to a folder on his phone and scrolling a few more times before his eyes landed on the app he was looking for.

As he waited for it to open up, Merlin sat himself down on the concrete steps. Was he really going to do this? He knew he shouldn’t. But he had to—he had to stop these thoughts. He needed something. A ping from his phone distracted Merlin as he glanced toward the bright screen.

**Looking4now:** Hey.

**EM:** Hey! What are youuuuuu doing up so late?

Merlin replied quickly, using his “EM” moniker that he had created for the app.

**Looking4now:** I’m super dl tho idk if your cool with that

**Looking4now:** I just flew in from another town from work

**Looking4now:** And I’m so damn horny

Merlin smiled, running a hand through his hair.

**EM:** Oh yeah that’s fine I get it haha I’m not really out to anyone eitherrr I keep my life pretty separated.

**EM:** Also duuuuuuuuude flying sounds awesome.

**Looking4now:** It was super fun!

**Looking4now:** You’re super close too!

Merlin noticed that the app gave a proximate distance between himself and the other person. It was a couple thousand feet.

**EM:** Haha yeshhhh I noticed that.

**Looking4now:** Do you host?

Merlin snorted at the thought of Gaius finding out what he was doing. Instead, he decided to offer a different alternative. 

**EM:** I can’tttttttt :/ I’ve done car play but idk how people feel about that.

**Looking4now:** I’m down for that, my car is super big I can pull up by you

**EM:** Ooooooo wellllll idk what you wanted but as long as there’s no clutter in the backseat I’m down

**Looking4now:** I’m down for that!

**EM:** What were ya in the moooooooood to do?

**Looking4now:** I’m down for whatever; also I do mutual stuff too if your ddf

**Looking4now:** But nothing up my ass

**Looking4now:** If you like dick picks I’ll send you one

**EM:** I guess I should ask what do you liiiiiiike haha I am ddf (well besides some alcohol) but yeah idk is it weird that I kinda get off on getting other guys off? Like idk hearing a guy appreciate my blowjob skills is pretty hot

**EM:** Sure!

Merlin glanced at the pictures that suddenly popped up at his screen. It was certainly bigger than he had seen before.

**Looking4now:** I like nice sloppy head

**Looking4now:** Sucking the balls and everything

**EM:** Mmmmmm yesssss I love giving sloppy head

**Looking4now:** And I love receiving it

**EM:** I could be ready in the next 15! Just finishing up some workkkkk

**Looking4now:** Sounds good! Let me know when your done and I’ll head over. I probably got a big load.

**EM:** Oooo maybe it’ll be a nice evening snack

Merlin cringed. He was definitely not good at this.

**Looking4now:** I hear that

**EM:** See you soooooooooon

Merlin huffed as he patted himself down. Keys, phone, and wallet. He didn’t really carry a lot on him, so he was fine. Merlin arranged for him and the other texter to meet in the parking lot of the Camelot Coffeehouse. Merlin knew that the shopping center was empty so it would be a great place for them to meet up.

* * *

The man (whose name was Jay) seemed nice. Merlin could tell that he had showered and everything, which he appreciated. As they casually talked in the backseat of Jay’s car, Merlin felt his heart pounding against his chest. It wasn’t like this was the first time he did this. Still—every time felt scary.

“So…you wanna get started?” Jay gave a nervous grin, as he pulled down his shorts to reveal his soft cock. Merlin licked his lips and gave Jay the most seductive smile he could probably give. Merlin kneeled into the space between the drivers seat and the back seat as he put his face closer to the dick. It started to rub against Merlin’s cheeks as he gasped. Merlin felt it touch his lips and he reached out to grab it, squeezing it slightly. Merlin looked up at Jay who didn’t say anything. Given the glowering look Jay was giving Merlin, the scrawny boy figured he was starting off well. Merlin couldn’t hold himself back as he licked the head of Jay’s cock and swirled his tongue around it. Jay’s dick jumped which Merlin took as a good sign. He put his mouth around the had and swirled his tongue up and down the tip. Merlin heard Jay moan. Taking it a step further, Merlin pushed himself down onto Jay’s dick an inch at a time. After some moments, Merlin had almost half of Jay’s dick in his mouth before Merlin noticed his gag reflex. Still, Jay grabbed Merlin’s head and pushed it down further. Initially, Merlin felt his body fight against the force.

Merlin pulled his head back and got a breath before Jay pushed his dick further into Merlin’s mouth. Merlin loved the domination. Merlin didn’t mind the taste of dick as it filled his mouth. Merlin went up and down faster as he could feel Jay’s head knocking into the back of his throat. Again, Merlin pulled himself back to get a breath. Merlin looked up at Jay who had his eyes closed. He was clearly enjoying the blowjob.

Right as Merlin made a motion to go back down on his dick, he heard Jay grumble something. Ignoring the sound, Merlin gave Jay’s cock another lick until Jay’s words became clearer:

“Fucking cops just pulled up.” Jay pushed Merlin off his dick as he pulled up his shorts. Merlin wiped off some of the spit from his lips as he noticed some cops driving to the other edge of the parking lot. It wasn’t likely that they would even stop to see what was going on in the car. Annoyed, Merlin noticed that Jay was wiping his hands against his shorts.

“Look, this was fun but I gotta go.” Jay beckoned his neck toward the cops. Merlin sighed as he gave a complacent smile. “I’ll finish up at home. I’ll hit you up later.” With those final words, Merlin stepped out of the muggy car. He walked away without a second glance, some tears prickling at his eyes. Deciding he could use some mouthwash, Merlin walked over to the pharmacy where the cop cars were congregated. Naturally, the police were chatting amongst themselves and hardly paid Merlin any attention. Merlin had expected that the police in Camelot had better things to worry about than a tryst in a quiet parking lot.

What Merlin hadn’t expected was to run smack into Arthur Pendragon at the pharmacy. He—quite literally---ran into Arthur. Not liking the physical contact, Merlin immediately shuddered and pulled back, mumbling apologies until he looked to see _who_ exactly he had walked into.

“Watch where you’re going, dude.” Arthur rolled his eyes. Merlin’s mind short-circuited—he was certainly not expecting to see Arthur anytime soon. “Oh, it’s just you, Merlin.” Arthur scoffed as he wiped away some imaginary dust from his shoulder. “Are you stalking me now?”

“N-No, I was just…” Merlin felt slightly repulsed at himself as he could still taste Jay in his mouth. Arthur, unfortunately, took a moment to look beyond Merlin. Arthur’s eyes darted back between Merlin and whatever else he was staring at.

“Did you…just come from that white car?” Arthur spoke slowly. Merlin’s cheeks blushed as he looked anywhere but at Arthur.

“No!” Merlin exclaimed quietly as he tried to walk away. Arthur was intent on torturing Merlin, however. “I don’t know what white car you’re talking about.”

“You most definitely came from that direction. That’s why I didn’t notice you at first!” Arthur started to put together his thoughts, sounding similar to a kid who had discovered some candy. “What were _you_ doing in that car so late at night?”

“Nothing! I just walked from home to get some mouthwash.” Merlin winced as he realized that maybe mouthwash was too insinuating.

“Uh-huh.” Arthur crossed his arms against his chest, the plastic bag in his hand wrinkling at the movement. “I think I know _exactly_ what you were doing.”

“Arthur, I’m not really in the mood.” Merlin muttered as he glanced toward the aisles to find the oral hygiene products.

“You’re either selling or buying drugs.” Arthur declared in a hushed tone. “Looks like booksmart Merlin isn’t as innocent as everyone made you out to be.”

“I was _not_ buying or selling drugs!” Merlin defended himself as quietly as he could without attracting any attention to himself. He pulled at his sleeves, hoping Arthur would leave him alone. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk to the pompous brat.

“Pot? That’s the most common one here. Maybe coke, but I doubt you have the money for it unless Gaius is wealthier than he lets on. Doubt you do E or anything.” Arthur bemused. Merlin stared at the blond in shock, although he chose to stay silent. He would almost rather have Arthur think that he’s a pot-head than what he was _actually_ doing.

Because, he, Merlin Emrys, was _not_ gay.

“Look, I’m really tired, Arthur.” Merlin sighed, deciding to change the topic. “But while I have you here, I want you to know that I’m sorry for the comment I made last week.” Finally, Arthur got quiet which Merlin was grateful for—the arrogance in Arthur’s voice irritated him.

“And, uh, I’m not interested in Gwen or anything.” Merlin spoke after another few moments of silence.

“Why does it matter to me if you’re into Gwen?” Arthur suddenly became defensive.

“Because…you’re friends with her, are you not? Well, you and Morgana.” Merlin mustered up some confidence as he realized that he caught Arthur off-guard. Arthur twisted his lips as he continued staring down at Merlin like he was some peasant.

“Right.” Arthur finally said, piecing together that Merlin and Gwen had likely talked about him. “Listen, I’m not sure what Gwen said—but I should have you know that she tends to run her mouth sometimes. Utter nonsense comes out of it sometimes.”

“Oh, so I guess her complimenting you was nonsense, huh?” Merlin felt his cheeks flush red. He wasn’t sure why he was always ready to spar Arthur verbally, but he didn’t appreciate the way Arthur talked about Gwen.

“She…complimented me?” Arthur seemed puzzled, torn on believing Merlin or on distrusting the boy. Arthur seemed to decide that apathy was a better route. “Whatever, Merlin. I could care less if you were into Guinevere or if she was into you. She’ll probably just feels bad and you’re her charity case.”

“Come on,” Merlin whined, “that’s enough.”

“What?” Arthur sniped back.

“You’ve had your fun at my expense, my friend.” Merlin scoffed, lunging forward to grab the cheapest mouthwash he could find. Gosh, suddenly the taste of Jay felt acrid to his tongue.

“I don’t know who you are, Merlin.” Arthur rolled his eyes. “So don’t call me your friend.”

“Sure, that was my mistake.” Merlin walked past Arthur, clutching the mouthwash to hold his anger and frustration.

“Yes, I think so.” Arthur proudly stated.

“Yeah, I would never have a friend who could be such an ass.” Merlin muttered loud enough for Arthur to hear. Arthur caught up to Merlin as they reached the nearby candy aisle.

“Please, I could hardly be friends with someone as stupid as you.” Arthur hissed. “Tell me, Merlin—do you know how to walk on your knees?”

Merlin paused as he stopped pretending to look at the prices on the chocolate bars. What kind of question was that? He turned his head to look at Arthur’s glower.

“No.” Merlin cocked an eyebrow.

“Would you like me to help you?” Arthur’s sanguine smile seemed dangerously sweet. Suddenly, Arthur's previous question was starting to make a bit more sense. 

“I…wouldn’t if I were you.” Merlin’s heart started to race as he felt flashbacks to incidents in high school flooding his mind.

“Why?” Arthur chuckled. “What are _you_ going to do to me?”

“Oh, you have no idea.” Merlin muttered, turning to walk away from Arthur’s provocation. Dark thoughts littered Merlin’s mind. Memories of Merlin and Edwin whispering in the shadows came back to Merlin. The hysterical crying of a blonde girl rang through Merlin’s ears. Remorse and guilt flooded Merlin’s chest. His mom telling him how bad of a kid he was for what he did...

“Be my guest, Merlin. Come on! Come ooooooon!” Arthur goaded him, distracting him from his thoughts. Merlin stopped moving but before he could do anything, Arthur twisted Merlin’s arm behind his back. Gasping in pain, Merlin dropped the bottle of mouthwash. Thankfully, the plastic just bounced against the floor.

“I’ll have you regret ever talking to me the way you do.” Arthur whispered harshly as he continued to hold Merlin’s arm in a painful way. Merlin grunted.

“What? Who do you think you are? A king?” Merlin gasped. Arthur let out a mirthless chuckle, displeasure dripping at each of his breaths.

“No. I’m the king’s son.” With those words, Arthur kneed Merlin behind his knees and dropped the boy to the floor. As Arthur walked away, Merlin looked up from the floor and saw the bold-face print of some prescription that Arthur had in the bag. While he couldn’t make out all the letters, Merlin recognized the name: DULOXETINE.

Why would Arthur have an anti-depressant prescription? Maybe he was picking it up for someone else? Why was Arthur even at the pharmacy so late at night? Merlin groaned as he picked himself up and dusted off whatever caught onto his clothes, Merlin decided that he didn’t need any mouthwash—instead, he probably needed something to deal with the rising nausea creeping toward his throat.

When Merlin made a motion to grab the mouthwash bottle, he was surprised to see someone else’s hand reach for it, too. Looking up, Merlin saw the familiar face of Lance. Instead of the normal calm, aplomb Lance had in the coffeeshop—Merlin saw anger and confusion in Lance’s knitted eyebrows.

“Did that man do something to you?” Lance whispered. Merlin _really_ just wanted to go home right now. He could feel tears prickling at his eyes as he shook his head in a feeble attempt to lie.

“N-No, he didn’t. I gotta go, Lance.” Merlin pivoted his heel and made his way to turn when he heard Lance reply.

“That’s Arthur Pendragon, isn’t it? Uther Pendragon’s son?” Lance asked. Merlin, wondering how no one else in the store had stumbled upon the candy aisle (not that he wasn’t grateful), chose not to answer.

“You…You’re a good person, Merlin. Stay away from Arthur.” Lance said before he walked away, picking up his jumbo backpack from the ground and making his way to a different aisle.

If there was anything Merlin had learned tonight, it was that he should have just stayed home.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for alcohol use, marijauna use, self-harm mentions, references to sex, and probably symptoms similar to PTSD.

“Would anyone in the group like to share any recent stressful experiences they encountered and how they handled them?” Helen chirped in the otherwise quiet hospital room. Merlin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, hoping her gaze wouldn’t land on him. Despite his outward silence, Merlin’s mind was racing. He could imagine describing his recent events to the group:

“Hi, I’m Merlin the barista with a college degree. Yeah, so I managed to piss off a customer who is friends with most of my coworkers and he tripped me in the middle of a store the other night. Oh, and this was after he threw his drink at me and I insulted him and I had also given a blowjob to a random guy in the parking lot. Oh, did I forget to mention the cryptic warning from the likely homeless customer who frequents my store now?”

A part of Merlin did find himself somewhat amused. He really had wanted just to pass time quietly here yet that wish didn’t’ seem to find itself very comfortable with that idea. Merlin blamed part of it on his impulsiveness. That trait had always been there with him. Even growing up, Merlin would find himself mouthing off something inane. Being around his parents helped quell that trait. But when Merlin would be at school or elsewhere—he would find himself doing the first thing that his mind decided upon. It was an interesting quirk, Merlin supposed, especially considering how neurotic he was. He thought about _everything_. Like that time one of his group therapy members stared at him for a few seconds and then looked away. Like what did that look mean? Why were their eyes squinted at that level? Were they thinking about something related to Merlin?

Sighing with relief as another group member voluntarily spoke about a situation they had encountered, Merlin returned to his thoughts. How was he going to explain to Gwen that he had pissed off Arthur _again_? He wasn’t even sure how he managed to do that this time. Perhaps mouthing off to Arthur was just a recipe for disaster. But _fuck_ Arthur was irritating. Why was he allowed to walk around without anyone there to call him out on his bullshit?

Merlin paused as he thought about his most recent thought. The more rational side of Merlin reasoned that perhaps Merlin wasn’t the one to be intervening in Arthur’s life. After all, he hardly knew the other guy. They were only a little more than strangers. On the topic of strangers, Merlin’s thoughts wandered toward Lance. Who was this guy? Why was he so young and probably living on the streets? Why did he warn Merlin about Arthur?

Moving away from that clusterfuck of confusion, Merlin pondered the other parts of his life. He was fortunate that Edwin hadn’t texted him back. A small part of Merlin was a bit afraid—Edwin’s silence wasn’t always a good thing. Shuddering at a memory of Edwin’s icy anger, Merlin wondered if he should reach out again. That would mean possibly seeing Edwin again which Merlin didn’t want. At the same time, Merlin knew Edwin will enough to know that if Edwin wanted something—he would get it in the most scandalous way possible. After all, there was that time with that blonde girl at the party…

“Merlin, would you like to read from the worksheet about distress tolerance?” Helen’s melodic voice broke through Merlin’s thoughts. Slightly blushing at the chance of being caught ruminating, Merlin straightened his back and glanced down at one of the hand-outs given to him today.

“Um, sure.” Merlin mumbled, clearing his throat so he wouldn’t sound so scratchy. “The following are statements that may help us define what distress tolerance is.”

“Great, go on, Merlin. Could you read the list out for the group?” Helen’s warm smile didn’t disappear despite Merlin’s slight grimace.

“Feeling distressed or upset is unbearable to me.” Merlin read. A few of the group members nodded as if mentally ticking that box. Merlin thought about his own mind. He hated feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps that’s where the impulsivity came from? His desire to erase that distress.

“When I feel distressed or upset, all I can think about is how bad I feel.” Merlin read aloud. His heart sank a bit as he mentally placed another checkmark.

“I can’t handle feeling distressed or upset.” Okay, that was basically the same as the first question but still, Merlin mentally placed a tick here, too.

“My feelings of distress are so intense that they completely take over.” Merlin sighed after reading the sentence aloud. His mind wandered to the random guy from the parking lot, the nights he spent with his magic blade, and his favorite bottle of vodka.

“There is nothing worse than feeling distressed or upset.” Merlin wasn’t sure whether or not to agree with that. After all, there were probably worse things. But if feeling stressed out or overwhelmed didn’t feel like the end of the world sometimes…

“I don’t tolerate being distressed or upset as well as most people.” Merlin thought about Gwen and how her candle-like warmth only flickered when she was sad. Merlin thought about Arthur’s anger and that prescription bottle he still wanted to look up. Merlin thought about Elyan’s steadfast calmness even when customers were screaming about the lack of vanilla in a drink. Merlin thought about Gwaine using humor to cope with irate customers.

“My feelings of distress or being upset are not acceptable.” Merlin gave some thought to that statement. Sometimes it did feel unacceptable to him. Sometimes he felt like he had to constantly be chipper and happy or else people would realize that he wasn’t that good of a person to be around.

“I’ll do anything to avoid feeling distressed or upset.” Merlin winced as he found his arm guiding over the sleeve that covered his cuts.

“I am ashamed of myself when I feel distressed or upset.” Merlin found himself nodding to that statement. He always felt weak and powerless when his emotions crashed into him the way they did.

“When I feel distressed or upset, I must do something about it immediately.” Merlin could feel his cuts mocking him with their stinging against his sleeve. He could feel his heart racing a bit as he finished reading the list. Was he really this messed up that a clinical worksheet could describe him?

“Excellent job, Merlin.” Helen smiled. “Thank you for reading that aloud. I noticed several of you were nodding along. If you found yourself agreeing with a lot of those statements, it could be a sign of having difficulties with tolerating emotional distress.”

“How do you accept the distress?” Merlin found himself speaking aloud. A few of his group members seemed surprised that the lanky boy was finally speaking and Merlin did his best to pretend like he didn’t notice their gawking.

“Great question, Merlin.” Helen grinned. “There are a few magical tricks that help.” Merlin noticed that he was actually paying attention to Helen for the first time in a while as she spoke.

“One thing you can do is watch or observe your emotions.” Helen explained. “If you paid attention to them like a third person watching a scene—it could help you recognize that you are not your emotions. You’re simply watching these emotions unfold.”

“Something else that some people find helpful is to label or describe their emotions. Commenting on what you’re feeling can be a nifty trick. Saying things like I can feel fear right now since I can feel it in the way my heart is beating fast or I can feel sadness right now with how heavy my shoulders feel. Identifying those emotions can be helpful to orient yourself to the present.” Helen continued to explain as Merlin found himself nodding along. He could rationalize what Helen was saying. By removing himself from his emotions and simply looking at them like they were another person—it could maybe help remove some of the pain.

“We can also help us remain in the present by using our senses. You can notice a sound, taste, smell, sight, or feeling of touch that you may not have realized that you were experiencing.” Helen elaborated.

“What if you can’t smell or see or touch anything?” One of Merlin’s group members asked.

“You will always have your breath.” Helen smiled. “You can count and describe your breathing. That itself is like a tool.” Merlin, for the first time in a while, found himself somewhat eager to try out some of these tricks. With the way things were going in his life, Merlin was sure that he was probably going to encounter some type of obscene situation. Or that one lady would come back and complain that her iced green tea with eleven pumps of sugar wasn’t sweet enough.

* * *

“So I heard you’re a little lunchbox, Merlin.” Gwaine smirked as Merlin walked into the back office to prepare for his shift. Normally, Merlin helped close the store. Nimueh had scheduled him to work until the early evening when Gwen would replace him and help Elyan and Gwaine close. Merlin was somewhat grateful that he still got a substantial amount of hours without the grueling task of cleaning a hundred dishes or so.

“What…is a lunchbox?” Merlin paused, wondering what Gwaine could be prattling on about now.

“Oh, you know.” Gwaine wiggled his eyebrows. “A stoner. A pothead.”

“Where in the world did you—oh, was it Arthur?” Merlin sighed as he started to tie the strings of his apron around his waist. Nodding, Gwaine confirmed Merlin’s suspicion.

“He mentioned that he saw you coming back from a drug deal.” Gwaine casually explained. “I’ll admit, I was surprised. Didn’t expect a little good boy like you to play with those things. Even weed.”

“I…” Merlin huffed, blushing slightly. “I mean, it’s not that big of a deal if I did, right?” Merlin hadn’t smoked weed in a _long_ time.

“Oh, so it is true?” Gwaine moved from his seat with renewed interest sparking in his eyes. Merlin wouldn’t deny that Gwaine was a _very_ handsome man and something about him always made Merlin feel a bit weak in the knees.

“No!” Merlin rolled his eyes. “I mean, I wasn’t dealing drugs or doing whatever Arthur insinuated. He’s just being an asshole, like usual.”

“If you weren’t dealing drugs, what else could you have been doing in a parking lot at night? Having sex?” Gwaine’s casual tone nearly gave Merlin a heart attack. While a part of Merlin knew that there was _no_ way that Gwaine could know about his tryst, there was still a paranoid part of him.

“Ha.” Merlin scoffed. “Sure, Gwaine. Let’s go with that.” Merlin inwardly hoped his sarcasm would actually work. Gwaine didn’t respond; instead, he chose to continue staring at Merlin with an unreadable expression.

“You’re a gem, Merlin.” Gwaine chuckled as he stood up from his chair. “I think it’s funny that you irritate the Princess so much.”

“I honestly don’t mean to!” Merlin sighed. “I honestly tell myself to be nice around him but then he says something that sounds incredibly stupid and I just find myself having to say something.”

“Hey, I’m not complaining.” Gwaine shrugged. “I don’t really like getting involved in drama, but I love hearing about it. For some reason, you’ve crawled under Arthur’s skin. It’s kinda funny imagining you two hate-fucking each other to death.”

“Fuck!” Merlin coughed. “Gwaine, what in the hell?”

“Please, like Kanye West and Taylor Swift haven’t done that, before.” Gwaine rolled his eyes. “Anyways, see you on the floor, lunchbox.” Merlin quietly counted his breaths, reassuring himself that there was no way Gwaine would ever know about Merlin’s desires. He had been hiding this secret for years.

When Merlin got onto the floor, time seemed to pass by normally again. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Sure, a customer ordered two venti white mochas with no foam and no whip and yelled at Gwaine for not filling the cup all the way to the rim (where it would start to spill). From Gwaine’s calm reaction, Merlin guessed this happened a lot. When Elyan finally dismissed Merlin for his second break, Merlin was surprised to see Lance walking into the store.

“Hey, Elyan.” Merlin mumbled as he walked to the cash register. “Could I mark out a venti whole milk mocha?”

“That’s not your usual drink.” Elyan furrowed his brow.

“I’m trying something different.” Merlin smiled. Elyan didn’t seem to think much more of it before he rung Merlin’s drink up on the register and applied his discount so it was free. Merlin thanked his supervisor before walking toward Lance.

“Hey!” Merlin smiled. Lance seemed a bit surprised that Merlin walked up to him, but his surprise was quickly replaced with a warm smile.

“Hello, Merlin.” Lance nodded. “Are you working today?”

“I am!” Merlin replied. He noticed his heartbeat start to race. Internally, Merlin told himself that maybe he was feeling anxious or nervous around Lance. And thus, his heart was racing.

“Merlin, I got your chocolate delight.” Gwaine handed out the venti mocha to Merlin. Thanking his coworker, Merlin took a few steps away from the hand-off bar and handed the drink to Lance. Again, surprise colored the man’s features.

“Merlin…you don’t have to give me your drink.” Lance explained slowly.

“I saw you coming in, so I used my discount for it.” Merlin explained. “It’s free for me so it doesn’t really matter.”

“I…thank you, Merlin.” Lance took the drink and placed it on a nearby table. Merlin tried to not make it obvious that he was watching Lance drop his jumbo backpack to the ground.

“So…how have you been?” Merlin took a seat at the table with Lance. Something about the other man did make Merlin feel comfortable, even though there were nearly a hundred questions on Merlin’s mind about Lance. He also was pretty nice eye-candy.

“Good.” Lance nodded, not giving much more information. “What about you? Have you had anymore run-ins with Pendragon?” The look Lance gave Merlin was somewhat fierce—an emotion that seemed a bit foreign to Lance.

“Uh, not really.” Merlin lowered his voice. “But on that topic, I wanted to ask. Why did you tell me to stay away from him?”

“It is not my place to say.” Lance sighed as he took a sip of the drink. “You and Gwen showed me kindness the other day so I thought I would return the favor with a warning.”

“Yeah, but you can’t really just…warn someone without explaining why.” Merlin chuckled.

“Merlin, I…” Lance paused. “I really do not feel comfortable talking about this.” Merlin felt his heart sink. He could imagine Lance standing up and walking away from him, telling Merlin that he hated the other man now.

“Oh, I’m…”

“It’s okay.” Lance smiled. “I’m not mad. I just am not a fan of gossiping or sharing stories that are not mine to share.”

“How noble of you.” Merlin shrugged. “You must have been a knight in a past life.”

“Perhaps.” Lance chuckled. “Would that make you a fellow knight as well?”

“I always imagined myself more as a sorcerer or counselor.” Merlin pondered aloud. “I like studying and reading. When I was in college, I tried to learn as much as I could whenever I found a class I really liked.”

“You’ve been to college.” Lance’s eyebrows rose. “That’s fascinating, Merlin. What did you study?”

“Biology.” Merlin replied. “I would love to become a doctor one day.”

“I think you’re going to be an amazing doctor, Merlin.” Lance replied after taking another sip of his mocha. “I know that I hardly know you, but you’ve displayed kindness to me. Moreover, you work in a job that requires patience, calmness, and quick-thinking.” Merlin never thought about his job here like that. He supposed Lance could be right. Maybe he could add that into one of his applications.

“Would you ever want to go to college?” Merlin asked his question carefully, hoping to avoid the glaring fact that Lance was probably homeless.

“That would be wonderful.” Lance nodded. “I don’t think in my current predicament that college would be an option.”

“If you don’t mind me asking…” Merlin lowered his voice again.

“Yes, I am homeless.” Lance answered casually, as if describing the color of the table. “I’m willing to wager that was your question.”

“Uh, yeah, it was. Sorta.” Merlin blushed in response to how well Lance could read his mind.

“I could share the story with you, Merlin.” Lance said after a few moments. “But I hope that you will respect that I am not really ready to talk about it at this moment.”

“Sure, that’s okay.” Merlin nodded. “I…um, would love to talk with you some more.” It wasn’t a lie, like what Merlin would say to rude customers when he wished them to have a great day. “You’re probably the nicest customer we have.”

“That’s quite sad.” Lance smiled wistfully. “Would it be too much for me to ask when you work next?”

“Not at all!” Merlin smiled at his newfound friend. “I work tomorrow. Actually, I work with Gwen. You remember her!” Merlin didn’t comment on Lance’s slight blush. While that likely confirmed that Lance wasn’t gay, it was something that intrigued Merlin.

“Great. I would be happy to talk with you some more tomorrow.” Lance commented. “I suspect from the glance that your supervisor is giving you that your break is coming to an end. Or it’s already over.” Merlin glanced at his phone and noticed that the half-hour had already passed.

“Shit! You’re right! Let me get back on the floor!” Merlin scrambled to the back office, apologizing to Elyan on the way. When Merlin returned back on the floor minutes later, Lance and his oversized backpack were gone.

* * *

“Merlin, guess who I saw driving in!” Gwen giggled as she raced into the store. Merlin wondered who Gwen could have seen when Gwen answered her own question. “That guy, Lance! He was walking around the shopping center.”

“Oh!” Merlin brightened as he took off his apron. “Well, I spent my half with him.”

“What?!” Gwen gasped. “Wait, you two talked?”

“Yeah.” Merlin boasted. “He’s gonna come back tomorrow to hang out during our shift.”

“Wow, looks like you might have a suitor.” Gwen teased as she tied back her hair.

“I disagree.” Merlin winked. “His face turned red when I mentioned that you would be here, too.” Gwen, for once, was speechless as Merlin exited the office. Waving his goodbyes to Gwaine and Elyan, Merlin made his way home.

He was pretty proud of himself today. He had practiced some of Helen’s distress tolerance skills and it seemed to work pretty well. Maybe group therapy was actually working a bit? Merlin wouldn’t openly admit it since he still hated the fact that he was there, but it would probably make his mom happy to hear that.

As Merlin withdrew his phone to text his mom, he noticed a notification on the dating app that he used to find Jay. Merlin was a bit surprised: he was pretty private on his profile and he figured that was a turn-off for a lot of guys. Glancing around as if someone would notice him on the app, Merlin finally opened it up.

 **Discreet:** Hey looks like we have the same initials! I’m also EM!

 **EM:** Oh cool! Would it break your heart if I told you that EM wasn’t my actual initials?

 **Discreet:** A bit. But maybe you could help fix it? ;)

 **EM:** I might know a few ways ;)

 **Discreet:** Pic?

Merlin blushed a bit at the other guy’s flirtatious message when he sent over a heavily filtered picture of his shirtless torso.

 **Discreet:** Cutie. Do you like this?

Merlin blushed as he saw a photograph of a dick appear on his screen. It wasn’t as big as Jay’s, but it still looked nice, Merlin supposed.

 **EM:** Mmmm that looks like it would taste so good ;)

 **Discreet:** Can you host?

 **EM:** No :(

 **Discreet:** I can’t either.

“Fuck.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair. Not many guys were this forward or into Merlin and he didn’t want to lose out on a potential hook-up.

 **EM:** I’ve heard carplay can be fun

 **Discreet:** Okay.

 **Discreet:** Maybe at a park or something? I’m pretty discreet.

 **EM:** Same! That would be fine. There’s a park near the grocery store on Shrine Road.

 **Discreet:** That works for me

 **Discreet:** Meet in an hour?

 **EM:** Yay!

Merlin smiled as he raced home to shower and change. Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. He was practicing distress tolerance skills. He had survived a shift at work. He got to talk to Lance. And now, he was off to pleasure a guy.

Merlin always had this idea that maybe he would meet his “Prince Charming” through these encounters. While he realized that the odds of meeting someone like that would be drastically low, Merlin still held out hope. The raven-haired boy finished cleaning himself up before heading back out to walk to the park. It was maybe a 10 minute walk from his house and it wasn’t in a super-crowded location. After all, the sky was starting to darken.

Checking for his wallet, keys, and phone, Merlin started his trek toward the park. His mind swirled with fantasies of the stranger falling in love with Merlin. They would start to secretly send each other cute messages and maybe Merlin would finally be brave enough to come out to everyone.

There was a chance this could be another old gross guy wanting someone to blow him off, but Merlin figured that today was full of good omens. This was probably one of them. Besides, the age on the guy’s profile was the same as Merlin’s. If the guy was a fake, Merlin could just make up an excuse to leave.

By the time Merlin reached the park, it was darker than it was when he had left home. Merlin saw in his notifications that “Discreet” would be in a black car with a large scratch on its side. When Merlin identified the car parked alone in the distance, his heart started to race again. Hopefully the guy wouldn’t run off at the sound of sirens or anything.

Licking his lips in anticipation, Merlin replied back to “Discreet” to let him know that he was here. He slowly walked up to the car and only saw some brown-ish blond hair from the distance. The chin of the guy seemed pretty young and Merlin was hoping that he could expect a good time with him.

What Merlin _didn’t_ expect was to open the car door and see a grinning Edwin Muirden. Merlin froze in the backseat even though every instinct of his was telling him to run out of the car.

“If this is what I had to do to get some time with you, wizard, I would have done this a while ago.” Edwin smiled as he opened his door and climbed into the backseat with Merlin.

* * *

A million words were running through Merlin’s mind. Edwin being gay wasn’t _that_ big of a surprise to him but now Edwin knew about Merlin. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

“Ed…Edwin…” Merlin mumbled, not meeting Edwin’s gaze.

“Hey wizard.” Edwin grinned. “I suspected you might be gay but man this is a funny coincidence.”

“Look, I…I’m not out to anyone.” Merlin choked up a bit, trying his best to fight the tears threatening to reach the corners of his eyes.

“Hey, me neither.” Edwin smirked. “We can keep each other’s secrets. We’re pretty good at that, huh?”

“I…This is weird, Edwin. Maybe I should go.” Merlin reached for the car door handle when Edwin’s hand grabbed his. Finally, Merlin looked at the other man with fear in his eyes.

“Hey, relax. We don’t have to do anything. Let’s just hang out.” Edwin shrugged. “I got some vodka and weed.”

“I…” Merlin weighed his options. “Okay.” Edwain smiled as he reached over to some compartment and pulled out a half-full bottle of vodka. He also dug into another compartment and pulled out some rolling paper and some buds.

“You first, wizard.” Edwin shoved the battle into Merlin’s hand as he started to roll the paper for their joint. Merlin sighed as he threw his head back and took a large swig of the alcohol. He wouldn’t get himself too drunk or high—Merlin already plotted his escape route with the excuse of a headache.

“I’m so happy we get to hang out.” Edwin finally spoke after taking a hit from the joint. It wasn’t rolled really well, to be quite honest. Merlin shrugged and took the lighter and joint from Edwin before taking a hit from it. “I mean, do you remember when we were kids? Those times were _always_ fun.”

Merlin started choking on the smoke filling his lungs. He was glad that he was taking a hit so he could explain the reaction. Fear was filling his veins and every neuron in his brain was firing to relay the same message: RUN.

“You always listened to me.” Edwin moved a bit closer to Merlin, as if ignoring the sputtering coughs from the other boy. “You were my favorite person.”

“I guess.” Merlin mumbled. He grabbed the bottle of vodka to wash down some of the smoke. He needed to leave.

“Wow, wizard.” Edwin sighed as he took another hit from the joint. “I can’t believe we finally got to meet up like this.”

“Yeah, crazy.” Merlin mumbled again, not making eye contact with Edwin. Edwin then made a movement to move closer to Merlin. In response, Merlin squirmed and glanced out the window where it was dark. He should run now.

“Hey, take another drink.” Edwin whispered. “You look so stressed. They probably overwork you at the coffee place.” Edwin handed the bottle of vodka back to Merlin who took another swig. Merlin hadn’t noticed that most of the vodka was being consumed by him. If he had, it probably would have explained why things started to become black and hazy.

* * *

Merlin retched. Vomit spewed from his mouth. Tears flowing down his face.

“ _Sorry sorry sorry_ ” Merlin sobbed. Where was he? He was in a car. The seats were comfortable. Car was different. Smelled nice.

Another wave of nausea hit Merlin and more vomit erupted from his lips. Luckily Merlin was able to aim it at the cement. The car door was open. He was in the passenger seat. There was vomit on the ground.

“ _I’m sorry I’m so sorry I can pay for your car wash I’m so sorry._ ” Merlin choked, his tears falling harder.

He heard some response but he couldn’t make much of it when he puked again. His head was spinning. He wanted to sleep.

“Hospital?” Merlin swore that was Gwaine’s voice.

“Merlin……hospital?” Merlin swore that was Gwen’s voice. Was she asking him something?

“ _No…No…No…hospital_.” Merlin mumbled. He turned a bit in the comfortable seat as if he was in his bed.

“…vomit…like straight alcohol.” The deeper voice that sounded like Gwaine said. Merlin wasn’t sure if he was spinning or if the car was spinning. Was he flying?

“ _Sorry…sorry_ …” Merlin breathed. His tears had stopped a bit. He could feel some snot on his face. Someone ran their hand through his hair. Felt nice. Maybe Gwen?

“….more than alcohol…” Another voice said. How many people were there?

“…home…” Was that Gwen? Or Gwaine?

“keys…”

“…address?”

“…hospital…”

“ _No…no…no….no hospital….not again…_ ” Merlin mumbled lazily.

“…the fuck does…”

“…water…right back…” Someone left and now Merlin felt sad.

“ _No…don’t leave…not again…_ ” Merlin sniffed.

“…food?”

“ _No…”_ Merlin sighed. He was probably surrounded by aliens. Aliens were cool. He hoped they wouldn’t eat him.

“…Arthur…” In response to that name, Merlin’s ears perked up. He opened his eyes to stare out the car window.

“ _Cupcakes._ ” Merlin drawled lazily. “ _I’ll buy cupcakes to apologize_. _He’ll stop being mad._ ”

Did someone laugh?

“ _What…what kind of cupcakes does he like?”_ Merlin yawned. “ _I like chocolate.”_

Merlin could hear more words buzzing around him and someone opened the door in the backseat again. The air was nice. Merlin wanted to sleep.

“ _Rainbow frosting. I’m not gay though._ ” Merlin hiccupped a bit. He could feel someone pressing a water bottle against his lips. He meekly reached out to hold it like an infant as he felt some cold water race down his throat.

There was more talking. Merlin didn’t understand it. He wanted his stuffed dragon. He wanted his weighted blanket. Where was he?

“ _Gwen…you’re cool._ ” Merlin yawned again. Did someone laugh again? “ _You’re my friend. I like you. My friend. You make me feel comfortable at work._ ”

There was some more buzzing sounds but Merlin couldn’t make it out as he got comfortable in the car seat again. He then realized Gwaine might be here, too. He was being so rude!

 _“I like Gwaine, too. You’re funny. You make me laugh._ ” Merlin chuckled, keeping his eyes closed to try and fall asleep. “ _You’re so confident, too._ ”

Merlin wished he at least had a pillow.

“ _No one can know…_ ” Merlin whispered to himself. He wasn’t sure where the words came from.

“ _Helen won’t be happy_.” Merlin spoke again. He definitely heard laughter this time.

Before Merlin could say something else, he suddenly found the most comfortable spot in the world and sleep embraced him like an old friend.


	6. Chapter 6

When Merlin woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he was not in his usual bed. His weighted blanket (that he _swore_ worked on helping mitigate some of the nightmares) was nowhere to be found by the grasps of fingers. Even during his most fitful nights, his stuffed dragon was usually within reach as well. Something was definitely different, although Merlin in his sleepy stupor couldn’t necessarily identify was different.

In school, Merlin learned that our sense of smell was linked to our memories. Specifically, the olfactory bulb in our brain which detected and handled the sense of smell linked to brain areas such as the amygdala and the hippocampus. The amygdala, Merlin had remembered, was linked with our emotions. The hippocampus was linked with our memories. Thus, Merlin noticed that he had a tendency to smell the area around him when something seemed off—as if hoping to kickstart his brain.

There was _definitely_ a different smell. It was…pleasant. It smelled slightly familiar. Merlin didn’t want to move his body and open his eyes. For some reason, his whole body felt like twice its normal weight. His arms were heavier than those swords they used in medieval movies. Merlin wondered if he could just fall back asleep and drift back into a wonderland.

As Merlin tried to drift back into sleep, a loud snore thrust him away from his sense of peace. That snore made his eyes open with shock. Gaius snored, sure, but he could never actually _hear_ Gaius snore from his bedroom. Jumping from his position on the bed, Merlin finally looked around. He was _definitely_ not in his room. The room was larger than his. This bed was larger than his. The room had some posters that blurred in his vision.

When another snore hit his ears, Merlin turned his head toward the source of the sound. If you were to have told Merlin that he would wake up and see Arthur Pendragon snoring on a nearby sofa, Merlin would have wondered if he was hallucinating. Yet, here he was: sleeping on a bed and staring in horror at a resting Arthur Pendragon. A half-naked Arthur Pendragon—clad in his boxers and asleep in the most convoluted position Merlin had ever seen.

What in the world was going on?! At this rate, Merlin half-expected to see a dragon fly across the sunny sky outside the window. It wouldn’t surprise him because things just weren’t making sense. When Merlin closed his eyes and tried to count his breaths, flashes started to appear in his mind:

_“You first, wizard.” Edwin shoved the battle into Merlin’s hand as he started to roll the paper for their joint. Merlin sighed as he threw his head back and took a large swig of the alcohol._

Flash.

_“Wow, wizard.” Edwin sighed as he took another hit from the joint. “I can’t believe we finally got to meet up like this.”_

_“Yeah, crazy.” Merlin mumbled again, not making eye contact with Edwin. Edwin then made a movement to move closer to Merlin. In response, Merlin squirmed and glanced out the window where it was dark. He should run now._

_“Hey, take another drink.” Edwin whispered. “You look so stressed. They probably overwork you at the coffee place.” Edwin handed the bottle of vodka back to Merlin who took another swig._

Flash.

_“Sorry sorry sorry” Merlin sobbed. Another wave of nausea hit Merlin and more vomit erupted from his lips. Luckily Merlin was able to aim it at the cement._

Flash.

_“Cupcakes.” Merlin drawled lazily. “I’ll buy cupcakes to apologize. He’ll stop being mad.”_

Flash.

As memories started to dance around Merlin’s mind, horror crept up his throat. He almost felt nauseous although something told Merlin that he had probably vomited most of his entrails. The scars on his arm were itching, as if screaming and berating him. He needed to escape. This couldn’t be happening. How could he have lost control? How could he have let Edwin manipulate him _again_? How did he end up around Gwen and Gwaine last night? Why was he in the same room as Arthur? Nothing was making sense and the ideas that were entertaining Merlin’s anxiety were not calming.

Merlin’s heart dropped when he remembered some nights back in college. He had a mouth when he was drunk—and by a “mouth” he meant that he could run his mouth faster than he could run. Merlin could recall notorious stories where he yelled or told off some random person at a party while completely inebriated. What if he had said something that he wasn’t supposed to have said? What if he told someone about why he was in Camelot? What if someone figured out his sexuality? What if they knew about his magical blade or his other problems?

Rubbing his eyes as if desperate that this was all a nightmare, Merlin’s heart continued to race. He couldn’t face anyone ever again. He needed to escape. He needed to go. He needed relief. He needed space. He needed hope. He couldn’t be here.

“…rlin?” A gruff voice shook Merlin out of his spiraling thoughts. Turning his head quicker than he intended, Merlin felt his eyes moisten before he could even voice anything. Using the palms of his hands, Merlin wiped his eyes and looked away from an approaching Arthur. God, this was not going to end well.

“You’re finally awake.” Arthur muttered, yawning a bit and stretching his body. If Merlin wasn’t horrified by all the questions in his mind, he would have totally taken an opportunity to appreciate the sight in front of him. Arthur was in nothing else but a pair of loose boxer shorts. “And Gwen won’t have to fucking pop a xanny since you survived the night.”

“I…” Merlin sniffed. When Arthur noticed that Merlin was most likely crying, he did the unexpected: he actually became more human.

“Are…are you okay, dude?” Arthur moved a bit closer to Merlin. His movements seemed to lack his usual confidence, as if he was uncomfortable.

“What…what happened?” Merlin whispered, finally noticing how hoarse his voice was. For a moment he glanced at Arthur with his tear-filled eyes before he looked away in shame. In that brief moment of contact, Merlin swore he saw something in Arthur’s eyes that almost seemed like sympathy.

“You owe me cupcakes.” Arthur finally replied as if this was the most obvious thing ever. Merlin froze, as if trying to convince himself that he was _actually_ hallucinating or dreaming or something.

“What?!” Merlin scrunched his face in confusion.

“Hey, that kinda got you to stop crying.” Arthur yawned again, scratching the back of his head. “So I’m gonna go use the bathroom but I should warn you. Gwen and Gwaine specifically told me to call them when you woke up.” Merlin must have made a face because Arthur’s voice softened again—which was notably uncharacteristic of the blond.

“Although I could always say that you snuck out before I woke up.” Arthur drawled lazily, watching Merlin intently. “I won’t judge, but Gwen was really concerned for you. I think the fair thing would be to let her see you. Why don’t you think about it while I freshen up?” Merlin replied with silence as Arthur scooted off the bed and headed through a nearby door which seemed to be a bathroom.

While Arthur was in the bathroom, Merlin weighed his options. He could leave and it seemed like Arthur wouldn’t torture him for that choice. At the same time, Merlin felt a pang of guilt for abandoning Gwen. He still wasn’t entirely sure what happened, but he had a feeling that Gwen was there for him in a really caring way. There was also the whole idea that Arthur was actually being polite and humane to Merlin. It was really odd considering all of their previous altercations.

An idea hit Merlin as he looked around the room from his position. A small smile graced his face as he found what he was looking for: his cell phone. Maybe that could give him some answers! When Merlin reached for it, he immediately tapped the screen. A wave of disappointed crashed into him when he realized that his phone was dead. Inwardly groaning, Merlin crashed back onto the bed and continued to ruminate.

After what seemed like an eternity, Arthur finally returned from the bathroom. Merlin was silent although he acknowledged the blond with his gaze. Arthur seemed to have found a shirt and some sweatpants as he walked around the room. Merlin had guessed by now that he was most likely in Arthur’s bedroom. He wouldn’t say it out loud but he was somewhat touched that Arthur had let Merlin sleep on the bed.

“Um, I’ll stay.” Merlin whispered again, continuing to avoid making eye contact with the blond. This seemed to catch Arthur by surprise as he cleared his throat.

“I’ll text them then.” Arthur commented. “Do you want to grab some breakfast? I have an extra toothbrush somewhere if you need it.” Merlin was perhaps most shocked with how casual Arthur was right now. Given the ideas floating around in Merlin’s mind, he was suspecting that he had somehow made a fool of himself and yet Arthur was acting oddly nice. Merlin quietly accepted Arthur’s offer and moved out of the bed to get ready.

Before he took another step, Merlin paused and turned toward Arthur again.

“Could I borrow a charger? My phone died.” Merlin asked, hoping to ignore how loud his heart was pounding. In response, Arthur let out a loud sigh.

“Wow, first you take my bed and now you ask for a charger? You’re just so demanding.” Arthur chuckled, rolling his eyes ostentatiously. “Go ahead and get ready. I’ll start charging your phone.”

* * *

Merlin was holding a cup of coffee around his palms as he heard a door open from a distance. He was currently sitting in Arthur’s kitchen with a bowl of cereal in front of him. Most of the morning had been filled with silence and Merlin _hated_ the silence. A part of him wanted to return to bickering with Arthur about how much of a pompous brat the blond was. Seeing Arthur be humane was unsettling for Merlin.

“Merlin!” Gwen’s voice echoed throughout Arthur’s home. Merlin shivered for a moment before putting on his best smile. The warm embrace from Gwen, despite Merlin’s initial startle, felt nice. Gwaine appeared from the corner with Arthur and for once, the charlatan was mostly smiles instead of words.

“Hey!” Merlin smiled as if to hide the sound of his rapidly beating heart which was nearly defeating against his ribs.

“So looks like our new green bean might have pledged for Delta Rho Gamma back in his college days.” Gwaine finally spoke as he lazily wrapped himself around one of the kitchen chairs. It didn’t escape Merlin’s notice how familiar Gwen and Gwaine were around Arthur’s house. Yet, in his own house, Arthur almost seemed uncomfortable as if he didn’t belong here. That whole notion seemed ludicrous to Merlin since everything about the house _screamed_ Arthur—the marble countertop, the top-notch kitchen equipment, the spotless floor—it all screamed opulent wealth.

“You scared us so much last night!” Gwen chided carefully, taking the seat closest to Merlin and taking is hand into hers. “You were saying such gibberish!”

“Was I?” Merlin tried to smile cheekily, as if he was goading them into a game. “What exactly did I say?” It didn’t quell Merlin’s nerves to see Gwen, Gwaine and Arthur share a distant look with each other as if wondering who would speak first.

“Well, you stumbled into the Coffeehouse completely wasted.” Gwaine broke the silence. “You literally skipped inside, smiling ear-to-ear, and then threw your keys and wallet at me.” Merlin felt his ears flush with embarrassment as he tried his best to summon this memory. Unfortunately, the only thing he could really remember were blurry images.

“Yes, yes. Then you said you had to go use the bathroom. We were so worried that you were going to vomit.” Gwen pouted. “Elyan had just cleaned the bathrooms, too.”

“Luckily, it seems like you just had to take a major piss or something.” Gwaine chuckled. “Then you skipped back out from the bathroom and started talking about dragons, swords, and stuff like that.”

“Oh…” Merlin paused, trying to choose his next words very carefully. “It sounds like…I was having a good time.”

Arthur snorted loudly in response to that statement as he moved from his corner of the kitchen to sit closer to Gwaine.

“Merlin, you were a fucking mess.” Arthur shook his head. “I came into the store near close and Elyan, Gwen, and Gwaine were so confused.”

“For the record, I was not confused. I was amused. But carry on, Princess.” Gwaine chimed in.

“We took you to Arthur’s car once we closed the store.” Gwen explained slowly, her eyes still staring deeply into Merlin as if trying to peer into his soul. “You vomited…a few times.”

“A…few?” Merlin squeaked.

“Yeah, you offered to pay for my car wash.” Arthur muttered. “Or I could just make you wash it yourself.”

“That’s pretty kinky, bro.” Gwaine wiggled his eyebrows until Arthur slapped him on his shoulder.

“You also said you would buy Arthur cupcakes to apologize.” Gwen spoke softly, giggling a bit near the end of her sentence. “You said that you liked chocolate cupcakes.”

“Is Helen your girlfriend or something?” Arthur quickly interjected, wearing a goofy grin on his face. “You definitely assured us that you weren’t gay because you like rainbow frosting.”

“Oh bloody hell…” Merlin shoved his face into his hands. “Well, I’m sorry that you all had to see my drunken charade.” Internally, Merlin was grateful he didn’t reveal too much. He wasn’t sure about much, but he really couldn’t let them know about Edwin. That would bring up too many questions.

“So Helen is your girlfriend?” Gwaine arched an eyebrow. “Is she fit?”

“N-No!” Merlin protested, blushing even more.

“Oh, so she’s ugly on the street but good in the sheets?” Gwaine calmly replied. His words naturally earned him an exasperated look from Gwen.

“No!” Merlin sighed. “I do not have—I don’t know anyone named Helen. I was probably thinking about some random customer.” The first lie was always the hardest. Once you placed a strong lie at the bottom, it became easier to build more lies on top of that.

“Arthur, Gwaine—” Gwen turned away from Merlin again to stare at the boys. “Could you let me talk to Merlin alone, please?”

“You come into MY house and ask to—whatever, I can’t actually pretend to care. We'll be playing FIFA.” Arthur threw his hands up and motioned for Gwaine to follow him to one of the many rooms in the house. Gwaine slung his arm around Merlin and whispered something about how he was glad that Merlin was okay. 

“Merlin…” Gwen started once the boys were out of earshot.

“Guinevere…” Merlin tried to imitate her worried tone with a mocking sprinkle to it.

“Merlin!” Gwen sighed. “I’m being serious. I was really concerned. I didn’t say anything to Gwaine or Arthur, but you sounded a lot like you did that other night when you called me.” Merlin had to think for a moment before the memory slammed his head like a ball hitting his scalp.

_“I-I’m sorry! I’m an awful person! I-I deserve this I know I do!” Merlin sobbed on the phone, tears running down his face. He shoved his arm into his mouth as if to hold back the tears and crying, but it kept on streaming out._

_“I hate myself. I know I’m the cause of all of these problems.” Merlin continued crying as he held the phone to his cheek. “Everyone should hate me, too. If they knew what I did…no one would want to talk to me.”_

_“I’m sorry for bothering you, I know I shouldn’t.” Merlin hiccupped a bit. He wiped his face and put down the phone while the other person on the line was saying something._

_“I’m sorry again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Merlin chanted like a spell. With a final sigh, he hung up on the person mid-sentence and started rolling down his sleeve._

“Look, I’m a bit of a dramatic drunk.” Merlin waved his hand. “It’s not that big of a deal. I guess I still have to grow out of the college lifestyle.” That answer didn’t seem to satisfy Gwen.

“Merlin…” Gwen frowned. “Last night you also mentioned a hospital.” Some of the hairs on the back of Merlin’s head rose as a cold wave went down his back.

“Funny…maybe I was talking about some volunteer work?” Merlin feigned innocence even though he knew _exactly_ what his drunk self was talking about.

“Look, Merlin, I’m not going to force you to say anything.” Gwen sighed. “I know we barely know each other beyond work. But you’re a sweet person. I don’t want something to happen to you. If there’s anything I can do to help…”

“Well,” Merlin scratched his chin as he glanced at his phone. He didn’t want to deal with Gaius’s missed calls and numerous text messages. The fact that Gaius had taken the time to send a text message meant that he was probably concerned. “Can I use you as an alibi? For Gaius?”

“Oh.” Gwen seemed surprised by Merlin’s question, as if she was expecting another query. “Um, sure. That’s fine. But if there’s anything else…”

“Nope, nope!” Merlin smiled. “I’ll just make sure I hold my liquor better next time. I’m sorry that you had to babysit me.” Merlin dumped his bowl into the sink and started rinsing it so that his back was turned to Gwen. He could practically imagine Gwen’s worried face staring holes into him.

“Could you give Arthur my regards?” Merlin finally turned around after he finished cleaning his dish. “I should probably head home.” Gwen wordlessly nodded as she walked Merlin back to the front door.

“Wait—let me drive you home!” Gwen exclaimed. “I noticed that you don’t have a car.” Merlin tried to think of a reason to say no, but Gwen had already roped her arm with Merlin’s.

* * *

The ride back home was relatively uneventful. Gwen just shared some gossip that had spread around the store about some customer ordering $630 worth of gift cards right when the store opened. Merlin gracefully thanked Gwen for everything and headed inside his house, grateful that Gaius was at work.

The very first thing Merlin did when he closed his front door was pull out his phone and text Edwin:

“What the fuck happened last night?!”

Angrily, Merlin let out an exasperated roar. How could he have lost control so easily?! What happened between Edwin and him?! When his phone vibrated, Merlin grabbed with ferociously.

“Hey wizard ;)” Edwin finally replied. “Have fun last night?”

“What. Happened?!” Merlin texted back.

“Nothing lol! You smoked with me and got a bit tipsy.” Edwin quickly replied.

“I blacked out Edwin.”

“Wow, looks like you had a lot of fun ;) Too bad we didn’t get to have fun.”

“What do you mean?”

“Idk I thought you would wanna do something but you changed your mind and ran out of my car lol. I was too baked to go after you.”

There was some relief in Merlin’s chest as he realized that nothing happened between Edwin and him as the thought repulsed him. Another buzz from his phone distracted him out of his thoughts.

“Where did you go after?”

“Home.” Merlin replied before throwing his phone at the couch. He was beyond frustrated at himself. How could he have messed up so badly? He knew that no one could find out about his gay trysts. If they knew…Merlin shook his head. No one could _ever_ know.

When Gaius returned home that night, Merlin wasn’t surprised at the lecture he received about how he was an “adult” and with a “phone” and he should “alert Gaius when he’s staying out.” Luckily, Gaius seemed more tired than anything so Merlin wasn’t held prisoner for too long. The disappointment in Gaius’s eyes, though, definitely haunted Merlin that night when he unsheathed his blade and performed his favorite spell: turning silver to red.

* * *

Merlin wasn’t sure if he was grateful or frustrated that his next shift was with Gwen and Elyan. He could feel Gwen’s pensive eyes on him throughout the shift, tiptoeing around him as if she wanted to ask something but she was too afraid to do so. Merlin knew he was being a jerk by not being grateful for Gwen’s concern. Elyan’s firm nod to see if Merlin was okay was much more Merlin’s style. He didn’t like talking about his feelings or thoughts.

“Oh, look! Merlin! It’s Lance!” Gwen whispered in the middle of the shift while Elyan was in the back room pulling food from the freezers. Merlin looked up and smiled at the man carrying his life’s worth in his backpack. Lance waved and found an empty seat to put down his bag. Gwen had already whispered to Merlin to use her discount for Lance so when the taller man approached the counter—his drink was already paid for.

“Merlin—Gwen—you guys don’t have to always do that.” Lance sighed. “I don’t want to get you in trouble. I wouldn’t come into the store if I didn’t have the money to pay for my own drink.” To his credit, Lance pulled out a tattered wallet with a few dollar bills in there. Merlin guessed it was probably enough to cover the grande whole milk mocha.

“Please, it’s our treat.” Merlin smiled as Gwen started steaming the milk. Gwen was certainly adept on bar as she finished Lance’s drink with impeccable speed and handed it over to him.

“It tastes delicious, Gwen.” Lance said after he took a sip, beaming with joy. “Merlin, buddy, how are you doing by the way?”

“Fine.” Merlin chuckled. “I mean, Elyan’s a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning so I’m sure I’ll smell like cleaning chemicals by the end of the night.”

“Oh, good. I saw you the other night.” Lance murmured, darting his eyes from side to side as if worried someone would appear. Gwen’s gasp suddenly made it obvious to Merlin what night Lance was referring to.

“You seemed drunk.” Lance commented. “And…I swore I smelled traces of weed from you.”

“Pot?” Gwen whispered, pivoting her heel to turn to Merlin. A part of him wished Elyan would be done pulling food from the freezers so he could dismiss Merlin to do dishes or something.

“Huh…I guess that was a fun night.” Merlin tried his best to let out a wide smile.

“You were crying, Merlin.” Lance lowered his voice. “I tried to approach you but you ran away from me.”

“I…” Merlin wished that he was a warlock that could just teleport or disappear in this moment. He looked down at his shoes and was unsure how to answer.

“I later thought I saw you with Arthur Pendragon.” Lance narrowed his eyes which did not seem to escape Gwen’s notice. “Did he…hurt you in anyway?”

“Arthur didn’t hurt Merlin.” Gwen retorted.

“He was fine doing it that one time at the pharmacy.” Lance replied.

“What?!” Gwen crossed her arms against her chest.

“Look, it’s not a big deal. I’m fine, Lance, thank you for asking.” Merlin sighed. “And yes, Arthur and I had a bit of an altercation at the pharmacy one night. Wasn’t much about it.”

“Arthur is trouble, Merlin. I’ve warned you before.” Lance took another swig of his drink.

“Hold on!” Gwen exclaimed. “Lance, how do you even know Arthur?”

“It’s a long story.” Lance used that moment to look away from Merlin and Gwen. To Gwen’s disappointment, another customer appeared and Lance was free to escape back to his seat.

“I feel like we’re in some young adult fiction novel or something, I swear!” Gwen sighed wistfully as she prepared to make seven different frappucinos for the lady at the register.

Merlin’s head was swirling but he was doing his best to stay calm. He felt like he needed to escape and leave—he wanted to be anywhere but here. His anxiety was starting to spike and he just felt every nerve in his body on fire.

Once the lobby was clear again, Gwen marched over to Lance and Merlin couldn’t help but eavesdrop on the conversation from where he was standing:

“How exactly do you know Arthur?” Gwen wiped a nearby table to Lance who had a book between his palms.

“It’s a longer story than this book.” Lance replied without breaking eye contact with his novel. “Gwen, I did not intend to upset you.”

“Arthur is a bully at times, and he can be so thick, yes—but what gives you the right to make a judgment like that about him?” Gwen stopped her cleaning and stared directly at Lance.

“Gwen…” Merlin whispered although no one heard him.

“Maybe I should leave.” Lance sighed as he earmarked his page on his book before folding it shut. “I truly did not intend to cause a scene.”

“I just…I’m tired of everyone keeping secrets!” Gwen exclaimed. Fortunately, no one else was in the lobby or else they would probably questioned her words. Merlin felt a pang of guilt, suspecting part of her words were directed toward him. “Morgana is busy with her new medical school friend. Arthur’s on his phone. When Gwaine’s the most honest person around here—it says something.”

“I’m not sure exactly what you’re referring to, Gwen.” Lance started. “But I do not want to sully your image of Arthur or his family.”

“Lance, I know about the drunk driving and the party and all of that.” Gwen sighed. “Arthur and Morgana have their immense regrets over that night.”

“If you know about that night then—” Lance stood up and for a moment, Merlin felt fear overtake his body. Lance’s nostrils were flared and his eyes steeling with unbridled fury. Gwen, to her credit, seemed unfazed by Lance’s transformation.

“Then?” Gwen replied.

“Never mind. I should leave.” Lance ran a hand through his hair before turning his back and packing his book into his overstuffed backpack.

“Lance, please—what is ailing you about Arthur?” Gwen pleaded, reaching out for Lance’s arm. Lance paused and Merlin wasn’t sure how to react to this situation.

“Arthur and his family.” Lance slowly turned around and stared at Gwen. “Arthur and his family framed me for the drunk driving accident that killed Gareth.” 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for taking a while to update. I've been working on some stuff as I prepare for school and what not. I want to give a big shout out to FervidAsAFlame as it was their birthday a few days ago! If you get the chance, check out their profile and be sure to marvel at how amazing their works are!
> 
> There is some blood (nothing too violent) near the end of the chapter, along with referenced alcohol use and implicit mentions of self-harm so please tread carefully if it bothers ya.

“What do you mean?!” Gwen exclaimed, her nostrils flared similar to the time that a customer complained about Elyan. “How would that—”

“I’ve said too much.” Lance murmured, making a motion to zip-up his overstuffed backpack. Merlin felt like the room was swirling around him. Sure, Merlin imagined that the gossip he had heard about the Pendragons and their wealth was slightly dramatic. Yet here was an earnest person who seemed insistent that the wealthy family had framed him.

“Lance,” Merlin called out from his place behind the bar, “I just…this is a lot of information to process.” Gwen turned her head and gave Merlin an unreadable look while Lance let out another sigh.

“Wait, wait!” Gwen turned back to face Lance. “Look, Merlin’s right. This is a lot of information. I’ve known Arthur and Morgana for years and this just…seems insane.” Gwen nervously twisted a strand of her curly hair which Merlin noticed was a tick of hers.

“What if…” Merlin cleared his throat as he wondered when Elyan would return back to the floor. “What if we talk to you after work, Lance? I think there’s a bar or something open.”

“I don’t drink.” Lance stated, avoiding eye contact with Gwen and Merlin.

“That’s all fine!” Gwen sighed. “Please, I would like to know what exactly is going on. Lance, it’s not that I don’t believe you but…”

“But it’s hard to hear a bitter truth about someone who’s made their way into your heart.” Lance offered a weak smile. Merlin couldn’t be sure, but he would be willing to bet his tips from that week that Gwen was doing her best to hide a blush.

“The Dragon at 10:30?” Gwen finally replied, darting her eyes between Merlin and Lance. Merlin nodded, although he wasn’t sure really if his presence mattered. Lance on the other hand still seemed reluctant.

“I truly do not mean to cause issues between you and your friends.” Lance announced. “If this will make things more complicated then we can forget I said anything.”

“No!” Gwen exclaimed before taking a deep breath. “I just…I want to hear your side of the story. Please.”

After some internal debating, Lance finally let out a deep sigh.

“Fine. I shall see you both there.” As if timed, Lance started to make his exit right as Elyan appeared from the back office. To his credit, Elyan seemed to notice the tense atmosphere. Gwen’s glittering eyes likely didn’t help to quell Elyan’s suspicions. Yet once Lance left the store, Gwen hurried back to her position behind the bar.

Merlin later heard her assuring Elyan in hushed voices that she was okay, but Merlin truthfully wasn’t sure if she would be okay. After all, Merlin (who hardly knew Arthur and Morgana) was already trembling a bit just at the idea of someone like Lance being framed for murder. How could Gwen, who seemed to care about everyone, possibly cope with this revelation without thinking the worst?

Fortunately, when a troupe of adolescents walked in with a yawning adult, Merlin found himself distracted. Ringing up nearly a dozen frappucino’s (each with their own customizations) made Merlin somewhat pity Gwen. The intense look on her face, however, made Merlin wonder if she was also grateful for the distraction as time started to march slowly.

* * *

“Do you think Lance is telling the truth?” Gwen’s soft voice surprised Merlin as they stood outside The Dragon. Merlin felt slightly out of place—perhaps because he had never been to this particular bar before. Gwen had assured him that it was a pretty good place: reasonable prices, not super crowded, etc. The only downside was that once a week was karaoke night and Merlin _really_ didn’t want to hear drunk people butcher anymore One Direction songs.

“I don’t know.” Merlin replied after some careful thought. “Gwen, I don’t really know Arthur or Morgana like you do. I also haven’t really had the best interactions with Arthur save for my drunken escapade the other night.”

“Yes, but—”

“But I also know that you’re a good judge of character.” Merlin peered his eyes into Gwen’s warm brown eyes. “You’re not someone who would just place their faith in the wrong person so blindly.”

“That’s a high compliment from someone who’s only known me for a few weeks.” If the lighting didn’t fool Merlin, Gwen was blushing slightly. Underneath the neon lights of the illuminated dragon logo, Gwen certainly looked beautiful.

“Hey, working at a coffeeshop together is basically like fighting in a war together. I mean, you crushed all those frappucinos earlier.” Merlin’s eyes twinkled as he scattered more compliments around Gwen.

“I suppose I did.” Gwen smirked triumphantly, locking her hands in front of her hips.

Several moments later, Lance appeared—overstuffed backpack and all—around the corner of the building. For a moment, Merlin swore he looked surprised to see Merlin and Gwen waiting for him. It made Merlin wonder if there was any doubt that they would appear. After all, Gwen seemed pretty insistent on discovering the truth.

“Lance!” Gwen walked past Merlin to approach Lance. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Doesn’t Arthur and his family frequent this place?” Lance glanced up at the illuminated dragon logo with skepticism clear in his eyes.

“Yes.” Gwen quickly replied. “But I can assure you that Morgana is spending the night at a friend’s apartment and Arthur is probably out looking for a party with Gwaine. Either way—I don’t suppose any of them will be here tonight.”

“It’s not karaoke night, is it?” Lance finally turned his head to face the duo. Merlin tried his best to stifle his laughter, but Gwen answered for him.

“N-No! I’m pretty sure karaoke night is on Wednesdays. I’m pretty sure they have half-off appetizers tonight, though.” Gwen winked as she opened the door for Merlin and Lance. The three made their way into the dimly lit sports bar. The bar itself was probably more lit by the dozens of TV’s hanging from the walls. As they were lead to their seats by a host, Merlin started to internally debate: would he drink tonight?

On one hand, he didn’t want to seem abnormal. It could also possibly fuel Gwen’s suspicions that something was indeed wrong with Merlin. But if he did drink—what if he lost control? What if the wrong words slipped out? After all, Lance certainly wasn’t bad to look at. Merlin winced at the thought of Lance spitting out homophobic words at him and punching him in the gut.

Before Merlin could really get comfortable in the booth, Gwen took charge of the conversation. Sitting beside Merlin and staring directly at Lance who sat on the other side of the table, Gwen seemed determined.

“You said that Arthur’s family framed you for Gareth’s murder.” Gwen spoke as if she was talking about the ingredients in a java chip frappucino.

“Yes.” Lance said, taking a sip of the ice water that the server had placed for them before leaving them to research their menus. 

“Um, not to sound awkward, but I’m kinda new here.” Merlin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I’ve heard bits and pieces about that incident, but maybe I could finally hear…the truth?” Merlin wasn’t sure who his question was directed toward—Lance, Gwen, or both.

“I know that there was a party last year where a kid died in a drunk driving accident.” Merlin tried to remember what he had overheard. “I think that their dad paid off a judge or something.” Gwen tried to control the affront in her face, but she seemed disappointed by Merlin’s words.

“Morgana assured me that it was just a rumor. Uther—their father—would never stoop that low.” Gwen replied to Merlin as if reciting Morgana’s words.

“Arthur was in that car.” Lance sighed. “Arthur, Gareth, and Kay.” Merlin nodded, hoping Lance would continue without needing further encouragement.

“I think I heard that, um, there was underage drinking.” Merlin finally spoke after Lance and Gwen remained silent.

“It’s natural for a college party.” Gwen whispered, although Merlin wasn’t sure if she was trying to defend the Pendragons or if she was stating a fact.

“Yes.” Lance nodded after taking another sip of his water. His glass was half-empty already. “Gareth died. Kay is probably still in some type of physical rehabilitation. And Arthur is living his life happily.”

“He feels really guilty—”

“Gwen, maybe we should, um, let Lance finish.” Merlin spoke softly. He didn’t want to irritate Gwen as she seemed at the edge of tears. Perhaps this wasn’t a good idea. But Merlin figured that they were too deep into the rabbit hole, so to speak, to back out now.

“My cousin, Lionel, was the officer on duty when everything went down.” Lance explained. “Lionel is my double cousin, you see. Our fathers are brothers. So he took me in when my dad passed.” Lance’s usual eloquence seemed to have disappeared as he stared off into the distance. It made Merlin wonder if he was reliving some type of traumatic memory.

“Uther tried to get my cousin to pretend like this didn’t happen. But you can’t just…pretend like someone didn’t die and someone didn’t become permanently handicapped.” Lance chuckled mirthlessly. “So Lionel refused. He actually even took Uther’s attempted bribe to a judge.”

“But the judge was friends with Uther.” Lance sighed again. “Suddenly, Lionel was being threatened to keep his mouth shut. Uther stopped by our place one day to—as he put it—talk some sense into Lionel. But my cousin wouldn’t budge. Guess he was too stubborn for his own good.”

“So…I see that Arthur’s and Morgana’s dad used his clout to pay off a judge.” Merlin spoke slowly to make sure he was understanding the story correctly. Gwen seemed silent and distant, although Merlin could tell that she was listening. “That’s unfortunately understandable I guess given how wealthy they are. But how does…you told me that you’re homeless.” Merlin winced at his own words as if using the word _homeless_ was a slur of some kind. Lance seemed to pick up on his uneasiness and to Lance’s credit, he gave Merlin a warm smile to assure him that it was all okay.

“The story seems melodramatic, huh?” Lance replied. “It kinda is. I don’t expect you to believe me, to be quite frank.”

“Why wouldn’t we believe you?” Gwen finally spoke, her voice sounding scratchy and torn. Merlin wanted to give her a hug but he felt his own heart racing.

“Well—I don’t have concrete proof for what happens next.” Lance confessed. “But I’ve thought about it so many times and I think this is what had to have happened. Uther visited my house and I suppose something must have gone missing. Next thing I know, some of my stuff is suddenly discovered at the scene of the crime.”

“What?!” Merlin and Gwen both exclaimed. Their server, who had arrived with some of their ordered fries, seemed startled but to her credit she held her food calmly. Merlin made a note of that when he would tip later that night.

“Yup.” Lance shrugged. “So Lionel was then accused of trying to hide my involvement in the incident. I didn’t really have an alibi since I was at home. But suddenly I was accused of being the driver—not Arthur—that night. Gareth was dead so he couldn’t defend me. Kay was still going through surgeries and not legally found fit to say anything.”

“Arthur would _never_ let someone go down for his own crimes!” Gwen cried, tears certainly streaming down her face. Merlin felt his own heart break. He could only imagine how Gwen felt—someone she clearly cared about was being painted in such a horrific picture. It definitely made Merlin wonder if Arthur was aware of what had happened. He wanted to believe that the guy who let him sleep in his house after a drunken escapade wasn’t capable of just letting someone else suffer like this.

“Yeah, long story short.” Lance stirred some of the remaining ice cubes in his glass of water. “Lionel ended up getting fired. We lost our house. We sometimes stay in a shelter but I feel bad for burdening him so I try to stay self-sufficient. I guess legally, it went down as me being the one at the scene of the crime—not Arthur—which is why he’s living his life and I get rejected from every job I apply for.”

“Lance…that’s not…that’s terrible!” Merlin exclaimed. “That’s not fair to you at all!” Afraid of what he might see, Merlin mustered up his courage to look at Gwen. Unsurprisingly, Gwen was still crying. If heartbreak could be felt by others, Merlin was sure he would overwhelmed.

“A-Arthur maybe…”

“Arthur was a witness or something, supporting his father.” Lance quietly spoke, as if afraid to further upset Gwen. “I heard that he submitted a statement that I was at the party and I was the one who drove the car.”

“Lance…” Merlin mumbled. “I’m…I’m truly at a loss for words.” To give himself some credit, Merlin reasoned that nothing could prepare anyone for a situation like this: legal fraud? Corruption? Homelessness? It was a lot to deal with at once. The nervous energy around the table was certainly rampant. A part of Merlin wanted to just run home and pull out his magic sword that would help solve all of his problems. But another part of Merlin knew that his pain was only a fraction to what Gwen was likely experiencing.

From what Merlin could guess, Gwen was betrayed. She was heartbroken. She was confused. She was angry. She was all of the above, and probably so much more.

“Gwen…” Lance hesitantly reached out his hand as he held it over Gwen’s hand. “Are you okay?”

“Am I okay?” Gwen sniffed, retreating her hand to wipe away some tears. “Lance, I should be asking you that question!”

“I have to confess,” Lance pulled back his hand to run it through his hair, “I may have hoped that this would distance you both from the Pendragon family. But I truly did not intend to hurt you with this knowledge.”

“I’m glad that you feel comfortable enough to tell us this.” Merlin nodded. “I just…I won’t speak for Gwen, but I want to know what I can do to help you.”

“No, Merlin has the right idea.” Gwen sniffed again. “Lance, this is injustice. What can we do to help you?”

“To be quite honest,” Lance looked away from them as he glanced at one of the flickering television screens, “I don’t think there’s much to do here. Hopefully I’ll find a job and—”

“I’ll get Nimueh to hire you.” Gwen’s nostrils flared. “I promise, Lance. I will get her to hire you.”

“Gwen…” Merlin started.

“I don’t think she will want to hire someone with a criminal background.” Lance softly replied.

“I promise.” Gwen seemed steadfast in her words, although Merlin wasn’t sure if her emotions were overcoming her body. “I have to help set this right, Lance.”

“How will you convince Nimueh to look past the background check?” Merlin cocked his head, curious as to where this confidence was coming from. Gwen let out a small smile from underneath her tears which lifted Merlin’s heart a bit.

“Nimueh _loathes_ Uther Pendragon.” Gwen reported.

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell everyone about my—” Lance started before Gwen interrupted.

“No!” Gwen exhaled sharply. “I’m not going to do that. Nimueh hates Uther Pendragon for whatever reasons she has. Elyan has told me that she’s looking to hire. If I recommend you and let her know that your background check will be flagged because of an altercation with Uther, she may be willing to look past it.”

“I don’t know…” Merlin confessed. “Gwen, if you don’t mind me asking—how is this going to affect you and Arthur?” Lance’s eyebrows rose as if his interest was piqued by an insinuation. Gwen, to her credit, remained as calm as she could.

“I…don’t know.” Gwen answered. “Is that too honest? A part of me is too ashamed to even look at him. But another part of me wants to believe that perhaps there’s more to the story. But even if there’s more to the story—it doesn’t excuse what happened to Lance.”

“I think it’s understandable.” Merlin nodded, rubbing his arm through his sleeve. “Although I imagine as much as it is for us to hear—Lance has been the one living through it for the past year.”

“I just…” Lance paused before taking another fry. “I want to thank you both for listening. I truly have not had anyone else besides Lionel to talk to about all of this and it means a lot. I know my tale is hard to believe.”

“Lance, you’ve refused free food from us.” Gwen chided the other man. “You seem uncomfortable at the thought of charity. While your tale may be hard to hear, your actions certainly don’t suggest that you’re anything but honest.” It didn’t escape Merlin’s notice that both Lance and Gwen seemed to blush after Gwen’s words took effect.

“So, um, I saw that the crab dip looked good if you guys were willing to try it with me.” Merlin cleared his throat as he noticed the waitress approaching. The smiles he got from Lance and Gwen were more than enough to prompt Merlin to place an order for the table.

By the end of the night, Merlin wasn’t sure what was going to happen—but he certainly felt better. It was a weird sensation. While none of Merlin’s own problems were solved or handled—the idea that he could still be there for someone by listening and offering an ear made him feel a bit better about himself. It certainly quieted the voices that often felt the sharpest against his self-esteem.

When Merlin woke up the next morning, he was nothing less than impressed to see a group message started between him, Lance, and Gwen. The inaugural message was sent by Gwen and it certainly carried good news:

“Nimueh wants to meet with you for an interview, Lance. When are you available?”

* * *

“Um, there’s a lot of options on the screen.” Lance mumbled to Merlin. It had been a week, but Nimueh was impressed with Lance’s interview. Lance wouldn’t necessarily open up about what he and Nimueh had talked about—but he was grateful to Gwen and Merlin which he made very clear by constantly offering them his meals for the day.

“Yes! But wait until you get the horde of soccer moms with their complicated latte orders. Don’t forget that they like skim milk but extra sugar. It’s supposed to balance out.” Merlin winked. Lance paled at the thought of what Merlin was suggesting. His fear didn’t last too long when Gwen walked into the store with a small bag.

“I baked some muffins and thought I would bring the extra to share with you guys. Elyan’s still running the night shift tonight, right?” Gwen smiled as she placed the bag down on the counter. Merlin could smell a pleasant aroma from the bag and it certainly stirred the (empty) insides of his stomach.

“Elyan’s in the back. Think he said something about the evening pull.” Merlin shrugged. “Gwaine’s coming in later tonight to close on bar. Nimueh asked me to make drinks today while Lance got familiar with register. Luckily I’ve only spilled two drinks!” Merlin beamed, as if presenting a list of awards.

“What about that matcha water that exploded everywhere when you were shaking it?” Lance commented after reflecting for a moment.

“Okay, three drinks. But hey, I’m still getting there!” Merlin chuckled along with Gwen.

“I’m sure you’re both doing excellent. I’m pleased to hear it.” Gwen grinned. The more Merlin reflected on the situation, the more he wondered if Gwen was almost nervous—she was playing with a loose strand of her hair more than usual. Sure, Gwen could be fidgety but she seemed almost apprehensive.

“Is everything okay, Gwen?” As if Lance had read Merlin’s mind, the taller man glanced worriedly at Gwen.

“Um.” Gwen sighed before clasping her hands together. “I’ve been ignoring Arthur. And Morgana. For the past week.”

“Oh.” Merlin was surprised and didn’t really know how to react.

“Yes.” Gwen tittered. “It feels…weird.”

“I hope you know that I will not hold it against you for continuing your friendship with the Pendragon family, Gwen.” Lance assured Gwen as he handed the bag of muffins to Merlin to put out of the customer view. “While I would want nothing to befall you, I do not intend to place restrictions on your friendships.”

“Wow, you’re so noble as if you were a knight or something in your past life.” Merlin chuckled.

“Thank you both.” Gwen smiled although her eyes still exhibited some nervousness. “I just…I think I’m making the right decision. But it’s hard to tell the future.”

“Sometimes I wish I lived up to my namesake so that I could be a sorcerer. I think they have the power to see the future, right?” Merlin joked again, hoping to ease some of the anxiety Gwen was facing.

“You’re such a nerd, Merlin. It’s very cute.” Gwen smiled widely at the boy. Before the trio could talk some more, a few customers walked in at once. Gwen curtly nodded before promising to talk to them again soon. Merlin wanted to tease Lance about the huge glow coming from him, but he figured that Lance would just be too noble to acknowledge that he was probably harboring a small crush on the other barista. Still, Merlin wasn’t known for always making the best decisions. After making sure that Elyan wasn’t around to watch him batch-blend a few frappucinos together, Merlin smiled pleasantly at the customers. Once they were away, Merlin picked up a nearby rag.

“So, Lance.” Merlin mumbled as he started aimlessly wiping around the counters. “Gwen is pretty great, isn’t she?”

“She is certainly marvelous, Merlin.” Lance exhaled as if releasing a huge weight from his shoulders.

“You know, if she’s not talking to Arthur—”

“I’m not going to swoop in like that.” Lance smiled, doing his best to hide the growing blush on his cheeks. “She was hurt by Arthur’s actions. She’ll need time to grieve and heal from it. Besides, she’s done so much for me. You both have.”

“You made my transition to this job a lot easier, so I guess we’re equal now.” Merlin shrugged with an air of nonchalance.

“Is that the new green bean?” Gwaine’s voice bounced off the walls. Turning around, Merlin smiled at his coworker before starting introductions. Lance and Gwaine seemed to get along fine, although Merlin wasn’t surprised. Gwaine was remarkably easy-going and Lance was polite and gracious. They were probably unsurprised by how easy it was to make friends. Not to mention, Merlin figured that they weren’t the worst looking eye-candy—to anyone who would be interested in them, of course. 

Before Lance left his shift, he made sure to thank Merlin again for everything. Gwaine’s eyebrows rose suggestively, but for once, the bearded barista stayed silent. Well, about Lance. Gwaine certainly had a lot to say while they were wiping down cabinets together. Something about Freya breaking hearts and Nimueh secretly peddling drugs and some other asinine rumors that Gwaine had heard.

* * *

Despite his initial shock at some of Gwaine’s gossip, nothing really prepared Merlin for what happened after his shift. After saying his farewells to Elyan and Gwaine, Merlin started his short trek home. The sky was clear tonight, stars scattered far and wide. Merlin crossed an intersection and stepped over a frog that was casually chilling on the sidewalk, quietly bursting with happiness at being able to help Lance.

As Merlin approached his neighborhood, he wasn’t surprised to see cars speeding by him on the adjacent road. What he didn’t expect was to see one of the cars make a sharp U-turn at the upcoming median and haphazardly park on the side of the road. Merlin felt his heart race as he thought about walking faster to Gaius’s house. Camelot was a safe town, but Merlin figured it would be his luck to get robbed.

Like extraneous whipped cream on top of a warm mocha, Merlin’s surprise was topped off by the appearance of a worried blond. At first, Merlin couldn’t make out the figure jogging in his direction, so he walked faster. When the streetlights revealed a familiar face, Merlin paused in confusion: why would Arthur Pendragon have stopped in the middle of the road to approach Merlin?

When Arthur finally got close enough to Merlin, the dark-haired man felt something stir in his heart. Arthur looked—to be quite blunt—distressed. His normally combed golden hair was sticking out as if he had been static-shocked too many times. Merlin wouldn’t say it aloud, but the puffiness and red around Arthur’s eyes almost gave Merlin the indication that Arthur had been crying. What was perhaps most worrisome were the small abrasions and cuts around Arthur’s knuckles that became more and more obvious as the man got closer.

“A-Arthur?” Merlin cocked his head, clearly confused.

“Merlin.” Arthur panted as if he was out of breath. “I need your help.”

“My help? Am I in a weird lucid dream?” Merlin’s mouth tried to twist into a smile but Arthur’s hapless look silenced his grin.

“Guinevere has been avoiding my texts and calls and I don’t know why.” Arthur exhaled sharply. “Elyan doesn’t know why and Gwen won’t tell him. All I got from Elyan was that she’s been talking to you a lot lately.”

“I’ve always found Gwen to be cool.” Merlin shrugged, trying his best to appear nonchalant.

“I need to figure out why she’s avoiding me.” Arthur stared hard into Merlin’s eyes. “I’ve tried thinking back and I can’t think about what I did wrong. I mean—”

“Besides the usual arrogance and lack of commitment?” Merlin knew that was a low blow, especially given how Arthur was appearing right now. For a moment, Arthur’s face soured but it quickly morphed back into something more familiar.

“So there is something wrong.” Arthur deduced. “Merlin, I need you to tell me what it is.”

“Arthur, I hardly know you.” Merlin protested.

“You’ve slept in my bed!” Arthur retorted, prompting Merlin to do his best to hide a ferocious blush. Merlin wondered if Arthur was oblivious to the way he sounded sometimes.

“Okay, and you threw coffee at me.” Merlin arched an eyebrow.

“You threw up at the edge of my car!” Arthur’s voice rose.

“You manhandled me at the store up the street!” Merlin yelled back.

“Ugh, this is useless. You’re clearly incompetent.” Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose as he exhaled sharply.

“Yeah, well, at least I don’t make innocent people go to jail for something I did.” Merlin spat, not doing anything to hide the venom in his voice. Merlin expected Arthur’s face to glower and perhaps Arthur to snap back at him. What Merlin didn’t expect was confusion to color Arthur’s features.

“What the fuck?! You must be drunk again, Merlin, because I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” Arthur hissed. He swatted away a firefly from a nearby tree as he continued to process what Merlin had just said.

“Or maybe you’re just angry that you can’t always get what you want!” Merlin argued back. “Maybe Gwen just doesn’t want to talk to you anymore!”

“Fuck, you’re fucking useless!” Arthur yelled, grabbing his hair and pulling it in exasperation. “This was a mistake, this was all a fucking mistake!”

Merlin saw Arthur’s fists clench and for a moment he braced for impact. When Arthur’s fist didn’t collide with his face, Merlin opened an eye and heard a considerably loud groan.

Arthur Pendragon had punched a tree with his fist and now his hand was bleeding—the previous cuts had probably opened up some more. The bleeding was slow, similar to when Merlin used his magic sword. But from experience, Merlin knew that the bleeding could start to pick up and if Arthur wasn’t thinking clearly—

“Arthur!” Merlin groaned. “You’re bleeding!”

“Fuck off!” Arthur yelled, his voice cracking.

“Look, just—stop being such a prat and listen!” Merlin pleaded, doing his best to calm down at the sight of the bruises and blood on Arthur’s fist. “I have a first aid kit at home. You might need some ice, too. Just…here, come with me. My house is right there.”

For a moment, Arthur looked like he was going to protest but when he winced in pain from clenching his fist again, Merlin knew he had won—at least for now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some minor warnings here: implicit mentions of wanting to self-harm, some mentions of blood/drinking/weed/partying, and yeah the usual angst/drama/suspense :)

Before Merlin let Arthur into Gaius’s house, he made sure that the blond man didn’t _actually_ leave his expensive-looking car in the middle of the curb. While Camelot was sure to be safe—Merlin didn’t want to see Arthur’s car get damaged or stolen. With his rotten luck, Arthur would probably blame him.

“Here, right this way.” Merlin mumbled as he fumbled with his keys at the door. Gaius was probably asleep so Merlin made sure to keep the noise down. Arthur, for his part, was mostly silent as he nursed his aching hand.

“Um, you can sit right there. It’s not the most comfortable chair. But I’ll get the first aid kit.” Merlin gestured to a wooden chair in the kitchen. As Arthur sundered over, Merlin scrambled to remember where Gaius had pointed out the first aid kit. Living with a physician definitely had a perk, Merlin supposed. Gaius probably had remedies for everything stored away somewhere in the house ‘just in case.’

“There’s leftover stew for you.” Arthur mumbled. Merlin, blushing slightly in the dimly lit kitchen, swiftly turned his head and noticed that Gaius had left out a wrapped bowl of stew for him. It was a touching gesture—and probably something Merlin needed to tell Gaius not to worry about. The older man had already done enough for him.

“Oh, thanks.” Merlin turned back to his quest in finding the first aid kit. “If you’re hungry, we have some crackers in the pantry over there.” Arthur’s silence was an adequate response. Fortunately for Merlin, he stumbled upon the bright red box at the top of the shelf. Stretching a bit to grab it, Merlin smiled with relief as it fell into his arms.

“Um, can I see your hand, Arthur?” Merlin sat across from the blond man who seemed dazed. “I just want to make sure there’s no debris around the wound. Trees can be quite filthy at this time of night. With all the bugs and—oh thanks.” Merlin was cut off from his rambling when Arthur silently moved his arm toward Merlin.

His heart beating unexpectedly, Merlin caressed Arthur’s bleeding hand in his palms. There, fortunately, didn’t seem to be any dirt or insects crawling around the cut. Merlin gently removed his hands from Arthur’s hand to put on some latex gloves (thanks again to Dr. Gaius). He noticed some alcohol pads which he promptly tore open.

“This is gonna sting.” Merlin talked with no response expected. Arthur lazily glanced at Merlin before Merlin started to wipe around the cut. As expected, Arthur immediately hissed and drew his hand back. He stared at Merlin with obvious annoyance.

“What the hell, Merlin?!”

“I told you it was going to sting!” Merlin groaned. “I need to make sure it’s clean and stuff.” Arthur sighed before placing his hand back in Merlin’s care. After a few more tentative wipes, Merlin put aside the alcohol pads. Grabbing a folded gauze, Merlin glanced at Arthur before placing the patch firmly on the cut.

“Could you set your timer for 10 minutes?” Merlin requested. “I just want to apply some pressure to make sure that the bleeding stops and stuff.” With a quiet grunt, Arthur pulled out his phone and set a timer. The boys sat in silence as they waited for the phone to start buzzing. Perhaps about a few minutes in, it dawned upon Merlin that he could have Arthur apply the pressure himself. Not wanting to make this situation anymore awkward, Merlin remained silent and hoped that the timer would go off any moment now.

Finally, the timer went off and Merlin quickly withdrew his hand. Unfortunately for the dark-haired man, the blond man seemed to notice his discomfort and so with a cocky grin, Arthur smirked:

“What, am I that repulsive to touch?”

“Shut up, Arthur.” Merlin rolled his eyes, looking away as quickly as he could. “At least you’re not bleeding anymore so you’re not going to hemorrhage. Here are some bandages. We wouldn’t want you to get your hand infected because your Hulk moment.”

“Thanks.” Arthur replied as he grabbed a few of the plastic packages and started unwrapping them. For a moment, no words were uttered between the two as Arthur clumsily put on the bandages around the grazes and cuts on his hand.

“I guess we’ve even now, huh?” Merlin gave a wry smile in an effort to lighten the mood. Arthur glanced at Merlin again before looking back at his phone screen.

“Merlin—”

“Arthur—”

The two men cut each other off and became silent. Merlin quickly looked away, blushing slightly at how immensely awkward he felt around Arthur.

“I’ll go first.” Arthur sighed. “Thank you. I don’t know what came over me tonight. It was wrong for me to apprehend you that way.”

“An apology? From Arthur? I should have recorded that and saved it forever.” Merlin replied with a goofy grin.

“Gosh, you’re insufferable.” Arthur scoffed. “Have you always acted like such a child?”

“I guess it takes one to know one?” Merlin quipped.

“Gwen has been a solid friend of mine for a while.” Arthur started again, looking away from Merlin. “I mean, I have other friends—Leon, Elyan, Gwaine, Percival, and so forth. They’re great. But I can’t really talk about stuff around the guys.”

“Toxic masculinity, right?” Merlin joked in an effort to lighten the mood again.

“Gwen would have agreed with you.” Arthur commented. “She always told me that it takes strength to show my feelings.”

“Arthur…” Merlin pursed his lips. “It’s not my place to really talk about you and Gwen. I think maybe when she’s ready, she’ll talk to you. But I think you should give her some space.”

“But what did I do?!” Arthur whined, turning to stare at Merlin directly with his bright blue eyes. “I mean, okay, yes I know that just hooking up with her and using her as my therapist isn’t fair—”

“Your self-awareness is quite impeccable, Arthur.”

“But why all of a sudden? I know things weren’t golden but they weren’t bad.” Arthur ran his bandaged hand through his hair. 

“Even if I had the answer for you, Arthur, it’s not my place.” Merlin spoke carefully. “I know we rarely see eye-to-eye but I think we can perhaps both reach an agreement that we care about Gwen. And I guess as someone who cares about Gwen—maybe just giving her the space to process her thoughts might be the best thing for you both.”

“For a moment, you almost convinced me that you’re actually as smart as they say, Merlin.” Arthur returned Merlin’s words with a soft smile. “I think I’ve stayed here long enough. Thank you, Merlin.”

“Sure. I would say ‘anytime Arthur’ but I hope smashing your fists into trees isn’t a common behavior.” Merlin walked alongside Arthur to the door.

“I may not be in a place to ask favors of you, Merlin.” Arthur stuffed his hands into his pockets as he stood at the doorway. “But all I can ask is—will you perhaps just let Gwen know that I want to hear what she has to say?”

“I can relay that message.” Merlin shrugged. “Good night, Arthur.”

Merlin glanced back at the kitchen table where his cold stew was waiting for attention. As usual, Gaius had outdone himself. Compliments to the chef. 

* * *

Merlin: _So Arthur stopped by last night._

Gwen: _What?!_

Lance: _Interesting. Are you okay, Merlin?_

Merlin: _Yeah, I’m fine. He was upset because of Gwen._

Gwen: _Because of me?_

Merlin: _Yeah. He wanted to know what he did wrong since you’re ignoring him._

Lance: _How astute_.

Gwen: _What did you say to him?_

Merlin: _Um. At one point, I got kinda mad and I said something like “I don’t make innocent people go to jail for something I did.” I’m sorry if that upsets you Lance. We were arguing and he just makes me so angry!_

Lance: _I’m not mad, Merlin._

Gwen: _What did he say?!_

Merlin: _Lol he thought I was drunk. But later on, I told him to give you space Gwen. I said you’ll talk to him when you’re ready. I hope that was okay._

Gwen: _Yeah, that’s fine. I’m sorry he bothered you, Merlin._

Merlin: _Well, he also asked me to tell you that he wants to hear what you have to say, Gwen. He specifically asked me to tell you that._

Lance: _What do you think about that Gwen?_

Gwen: _Idk. Is that too honest? It’s a lot to process. But I guess…maybe it opens the door for us to talk to Arthur._

Lance: _Us?_

Merlin: _Do you mean you and Lance?_

Gwen: _Well, I was thinking—maybe there’s a way we can clear Lance’s name. If we can persuade Arthur to tell the police the truth…_

Lance: _Would Arthur ever do that?_

Gwen: _Idk. We can talk about it some more later. My break’s over._

Merlin sighed as he put down his phone. He was laying in his bed, staring idly at the ceiling. Helen, at one of the last sessions Merlin had attended, talked about trusting our senses. She had talked about using our eyes to describe what was in front of us and to not let our mind go crazy in imagining things. Merlin was certainly doing his best to follow her guidance—but if anything, what was in front of him was confusing him even more.

Arthur—being vulnerable and emotional—was confusing to Merlin. Perhaps he was wrong to have immediately categorized Arthur into the emotionally constipated category (although, in his defense, he had plenty of evidence to do so). But would Arthur—the Arthur who cries and gets angry over the thought of doing something to Gwen—be the same Arthur who coldly sealed an innocent man’s fate?

Truth be told, Merlin realized that he still really didn’t know anyone. And the truth was that they didn’t know him, either. But as the situation deepened, Merlin wondered what would come out from all of this. There was still a lingering shadow that was bothering Merlin besides the weird arrangement between him, Lance, Gwen, and Arthur. It was Morgana—who had been busy with her medical school exams.

 _Medical school_. A pang of jealousy rippled through Merlin’s body as he thought about how _he_ should be busy focusing on human anatomy rather than drama at a coffeeshop. But instead, he was here. It would probably do him no good to fixate on the alternate future, so Merlin chose to focus on how Morgana might react to all of this.

Does Morgana know about what Arthur and Uther did? Does she approve of it? Merlin figured that she still seems super close to Arthur—does that mean she’s okay with what Arthur did? What does that say about Morgana?

Merlin glanced at the box that had his magic sword. More often than not, he turned to it like a mentor when he was facing a lot of unsteady emotions. After all, using silver to make red was nothing short of magic. But when Merlin glanced down at his left arm, a part of him felt ashamed. On one hand, there was Lance—who life had thrown down the gutter. Yet Lance was still trying his best every day. He was also so damn noble.

There was Gwen. Gwen, who probably had the biggest heart that Merlin had seen (not literally—that would be cardiac hypertrophy or something). When the people she trusted the most hurt her—Merlin can only stand in admiration as to how steadfast she is to justice and the truth.

If they could be so strong—why couldn’t Merlin? He had some strengths, right? When he had peeked at his intake sheet at the hospital, he noted that Helen had noticed that Merlin was educated and intelligent. Those had to be real strengths, right?

Another voice inside Merlin started massaging his shoulders as if they were sore. But what if he was stronger than all of them because he could withstand the pain? After all—using that “magic sword” to cut lines into his arms took courage, right? Besides, Merlin knew he wasn’t as good as Gwen or Lance. He had done things that he wasn’t proud of—whether it was giving a blowjob in the parking lot of his job or playing a cruel prank on a stranger with Edwin. Maybe he deserved the pain?

Deciding that nothing would get done by just sitting in his bed, Merlin mustered all the strength he could to avoid the alluring seduction of his magic sword. He gently closed his bedroom door and nimbly walked down the stairs. He still could feel the pull—but maybe a walk with some fresh air could help clear his head? Helen had mentioned that, too. One of the other patients talked about nature and Helen mentioned that studies supported theories about the healing properties of nature. Specifically, Helen mentioned that some scientists found that increased exposure to nature was associated with lower cravings. This relationship was mediated by reductions in negative affect—so from what Merlin understood: being outdoors helped reduce cravings for things like addiction and this relationship was explained by how exposing ourselves to nature reduced our negative moods[1]. 

* * *

As Merlin stuffed his hands into his pockets, he wandered idly around the nearby town square. It seemed recently renovated—there were restaurants, pet food stores, a grocery store, and of course the infamous bar: The Dragon. Glancing around, Merlin wasn’t surprised to see people out and about. It was around 5 PM—so people were coming home from work, finishing up dinner, or going for their evening activities.

Merlin certainly felt envious for Gaius and the other people who lived in Camelot. The weather almost always seemed pleasant—even at its worst. At its core, the town seemed safe and welcoming. Merlin, in his experience at the coffeeshop, had learned that there were darker secreted buried beneath the peaceful veneer of the town. Still—at a superficial level, it was almost mind-numbingly pleasant.

After crossing the street, Merlin walked closer to the Dragon. He could still hear Lance’s calm voice describing the injustices inflicted upon him by the Pendragon family. He could also still hear Gwen’s wracking sobs as she heard the gut-wrenching story. Yet when Merlin peered into the tinted windows of the bar, everyone seemed so carefree. Maybe—like Merlin’s life—it was all an illusion: laughter to hide the pain everyone was hiding underneath.

“Is voyeurism a kink of yours?” Merlin jumped as a familiar voice tickled his back. Quickly whipping his head, Merlin saw Gwaine’s trademark grin. It definitely added to the ruggish handsomeness that everyone else probably saw in Gwaine.

“W-What?! No! I’m just walking around.” Merlin exclaimed, doing his best to keep down his blush. Gwaine was so lewd. “I’m off today.”

“Same.” Gwaine stretched. “Nimueh has us working like dogs, eh? It’s like we’re stuck in some type of underground cave looking for some ancient prophecy to take down a king.”

“That’s…oddly specific.” Merlin cocked an eyebrow.

“I watch a lot of TV.” Gwaine shrugged. “Adventure time is great—especially when you’re baked. And not baked like our pastries, if you get my drift.”

“You’re _so_ clever, Gwaine.” Merlin chuckled. He was somewhat surprised that Gwaine kept walking alongside him. Not that Merlin minded the company—but he figured that as popular as Gwaine seemed—he would have more interesting people to be around.

“How are you liking Camelot?” Gwaine asked as they walked aimlessly around the shopping center. “I think Morgana or Gwen said that you were still adjusting.”

“It’s grown on me.” Merlin admitted. Flashes of recent events scattered across Merlin’s mind: the encounter with Edwin, waking up at Arthur’s house, the Dragon with Lance & Gwen, patching Arthur up, etc.

“Say, since we ran into each other here.” Gwaine nodded along to Merlin’s words. “I have a question for you.” As if a weight dropped onto Merlin, exhaustion suddenly wrapped itself around him. This was probably an intentional meeting. Was Gwaine here on behalf of Arthur?

“Gwaine, if this is about—”

“Should I cut my hair?” Gwaine shook his head, reminding Merlin briefly of a dog shaking its fur after a shower. “Wait, what did you think I was going to ask you?” Now it was Merlin’s turn to blush.

“Um, probably something about the drama between Arthur, Gwen, and so forth…” Merlin mumbled, embarrassed by his words.

“Pfft.” Gwaine shrugged. “Normally, I would be insulted that you think I’m meddling enough to hunt you down to investigate the tea between Arthur and his friends.”

“Gwaine, I’m sorry—”

“Ah, you apologized before I could say that you didn’t have to apologize!” Gwaine chuckled, winking at Merlin as if this was all a game. Maybe to Gwaine it was? “Look—I might be nosy and trust me I love hearing the latest drama going on. But I also have my own life and concerns. Like will I still exude the same sex appeal with a buzz cut?” 

Merlin couldn’t help but laugh. There was something oddly refreshing about hearing Gwaine’s words. His carefree approach to situations seemed so…fun.

“Um, I’m not sure if I’m the best person to answer that.” Merlin remarked, now internally wondering if this was an attempt by Gwaine to see if Merlin was into guys. “Maybe you could ask Gwen? Or Nimueh? Freya seems nice, too.”

“Maybe.” Gwaine shrugged. For someone so open about certain things, Merlin remarked to himself that Gwaine was often unreadable at other times. “You know, Merlin—I know you and Arthur have your beef. And that’s fine. But you two have a lot of similarities.”

“How so?” Merlin was curious. How could his neurotic and awkward presence compare to Arthur’s social grace (and latent aggression)?

“You both think it’s like a crime for guys to talk about materialistic things.” Gwaine commented. “I would be willing to bet my tips from last week that you probably thought I was trying to prompt you to confess that you’re gay or something by talking about if I look good about my hair.”

Merlin was stumped and his face flushed again. Since when was Gwaine so insightful?! Struggling to come up with a response, Merlin stammered a bit.

“Um…weren’t the tips from last week pretty abysmal?”

“Now you’re dodging my point.” Gwaine winked as they walked around a corner. “I’m just speaking freely here, Merlin. You can still be a manly man or what not and talk about things like hair, looks, and stuff. You, Arthur and other guys don’t always have to be so stiff.”

“Is that your secret, Gwaine? Is that how you managed to sleep with half of the Tri Del girls on campus?” Merlin teased, inwardly hoping to change the focus from himself.

“Maybe it is. Maybe I’m here to teach you my magical ways.” Gwaine wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “You probably want me to change the topic, but I want to say this cause I’ve said it to Arthur too. If you one day decide to say ‘Hey Gwaine buddy I’m gay or bisexual or demisexual’ or something else that’s fine, dude. If you feel like you’re straight, that’s cool, too. I don’t really care about all of that. I look at other things.”

“Other things?”

“Like how I heard about you comforting Gwen once when she was upset. Or you thinking I wouldn’t notice how you would do some of my cleaning tasks at work while I flirted with one of those cougars.” Gwaine observed. Merlin wasn’t really sure how he felt at this moment—but he could easily admit that he had misjudged Gwaine. His coworker was incredibly wise, despite his goofy veneer.

“Anyways.” Gwaine stopped with Merlin at an intersection. “I’m having a party in a couple of days. I’m pretty sure you’re closing that night with Elyan, but you should come. I would love to see Merlin get crazy and wild.”

“Sure.” Merlin spoke without thinking—normally he would stammer a bit and claim that he would have to check his calendar. Something about Gwaine—similar to Gwen—made him feel at ease.

“Great!” Gwaine grinned. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to abandon you here, my friend. But it was nice running into you. For a big town, it’s a small town.” After exchanging a few more pleasantries, the two dark-haired men went their own ways. Merlin was definitely feeling better—maybe Helen was right about the outdoors being helpful.

As Merlin continued his aimless outdoor trek, a lot of memories started to dance around his mind like moths drawn to a flame. Merlin was able to swat a few of the intense ones away, but certain memories were persistent as they continued to sleuth around Merlin’s mind. It reminded Merlin of those wars he read about in those fantasy novels. It was relentless—the healing and calming effect of the trees swaying in the wind versus the rampant and ravenous thoughts reminding Merlin how much of a failure he was.

Sighing wistfully, Merlin tried to distract himself with the idea of Gwaine’s party. While he presumed it was technically unprofessional to party with your coworkers, Merlin couldn’t help but feel somewhat warm inside at the idea of being invited to a party again. He made a promise to himself to keep his red cup count under control—after all, he didn’t know many people who were probably going to be at the party.

After nearly a half-hour, Merlin started to feel some exhaustion in his legs. It had been a while since he had just aimlessly walked around. Sure, standing and moving around the coffeeshop was a bit of a work-out. But still—Merlin never really fancied himself that physically fit. When he thought of “fit” images of a shirtless Arthur immediately came to mind. Trying to shove those thoughts away and hide his blush, Merlin walked into a nearby sandwich shop. He was in the mood for a nice, calming iced herbal tea. He deserved it after the mild exercise he had just engaged in, right?

After placing his order, Merlin stood by the waiting area. It was adjacent to some of the seating in the restaurant—only separated by a thin wall that ended a few steps away from Merlin. The indecipherable chatter was familiar to Merlin—after all, he did work at a busy coffeeshop. Glancing around, he saw some familiar faces—well, of customers at least. A part of him almost wanted to be wry and accuse them of cheating on the Camelot Coffeehouse. Then it hit him ironically: by being here, he was also cheating on his coffeehouse.

Right after a worker called out his name, Merlin walked over to the condiment area that was near the edge of the wall. Right around it were more booths and seats. For a moment, Merlin considered taking a seat and relaxing. The thought of embarrassing himself, however, persevered and he decided that he would shortly leave after squirting a few lemon wedges into his tea.

Then, all of a sudden, a familiar name reached Merlin’s large ears:

“Arthur’s gonna be at the party? Great.” Merlin froze as if he would be caught eavesdropping if he moved. The voice was just around the wall—so Merlin couldn’t see who was talking. He couldn’t recognize the voice, either. Maybe if he…

“I’m tired of seeing that asshole’s cocky face.” The voice remarked. “It’s time someone put his pompous ass in its rightful place. It’s Gwaine’s house so I don’t have to worry about cleaning up the mess.”

Mess? Gwaine’s house?! Merlin quickly reasoned that the voice was talking about the upcoming party that Gwaine had invited him to.

“Yeah yeah, don’t worry.” The voice snickered. It was most likely a guy. “He won’t know what hit him. Literally. I got a friend who knows all this science stuff. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. I have the bottle right here.”

Merlin could hear a bottle—perhaps like a prescription bottle—shaking with some pills in it.

“Flu Nit Raz Pam” The voice sounded like it was reading off something. Merlin quickly pulled out his phone as he sidestepped to let another customer grab some lemon wedges. He typed in, to the best of his ability, what the guy had just said.

What horrified Merlin was one the first results on the search engine:

_Rohypnol (flunitrazepam) is used in the short-term treatment of insomnia and as a premedication for surgery. Rohypnol is also known as the date rape drug due ..._

Locking his phone, Merlin froze. Should he confront the person? Should he tell Arthur? Should he tell someone? Gwen wasn’t talking to Arthur. Maybe Gwaine? Should Merlin look to see who it was?

Mustering his courage, Merlin tried to walk as normally as he could past the wall and into the seating area. To his utmost horror, the booth that was across the partition from the condiment bar was empty—as if no one was there. Merlin would have doubted what he had just heard if it wasn’t for a crumpled up straw wrapper sitting on the booth. Someone was clearly just there and Merlin had just missed them.

Fuck.

* * *

References:

[1] Martin, L., Pahl, S., White, M. P., & May, J. (2019). Natural environments and craving: The mediating role of negative affect. _Health & place_, _58_ , 102160.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks again for your comments so far on the story! 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: explicit alcohol use, explicit marijuana use, mentions of party drugs, dubious usage of medical degrees (possibly), oh and some basic biology (for those of you terrified by it :P).

When Merlin returned home, a voice echoing “Flu Nit Raz Pam” was playing on repeat. Fumbling to open the front door, Merlin almost missed the presence of the elderly physician to whom the house belonged.

“Merlin—it feels like it’s been ages.” Gaius muttered, barely looking up from the newspaper covering his face. Merlin paused and immediately grinned. He nearly forgot that he lived with an actual doctor!

“Gaius! I’ve never been happier to see you!” Merlin chattered rapidly, practically dashing over to the kitchen table where Gaius sat. Naturally, Gaius seemed surprised by Merlin’s upbeat enthusiasm. It was so surprising that Gaius actually folded the newspaper and gently threw it onto the table.

“While it’s always pleasant to see you, Merlin, I’m a bit confused. Did you need something?” Gaius did his trademark eyebrow raise.

“What do you know about Flunitrazepam?” Merlin leaned forward from his chair. Gaius’s initial reaction was confusion which quickly turned into shock.

“Merlin, my boy, why are you asking about _that_ drug?!” Gaius huffed.

“It’s a long story.” Merlin waved his hand as if to fan away Gaius’s concern. “I know that the name for it is like Rohypnol and it’s basically what people call a roofie.”

“If you know so much about it, then why ask me?” Gaius continued peering at Merlin as if he was trying to solve some complex equation.

“Well, um, you see, it’s for a…” Merlin paused, realizing his folly. How was he going to explain to Gaius what he had heard? Glancing at the older man, Merlin tried to imagine him decades younger—what would younger Gaius have done in a situation like this?

“How can you tell if someone has been roofied?” Merlin changed the direction of his questions. Gaius’s concern didn’t seem to dissipate. Perhaps it was Merlin’s new candor that made Gaius finally answer.

“Rohypnol is a benzodiazepine.” Gaius started. “It’s usually prescribed as a sedative or antidepressant. Like any drug, people try to find a way to have fun with it. People found out that they would feel some type of euphoria if they mix it with alcohol.”

“So it’s definitely a party drug.” Merlin mentally took note. “Does that mean that it’s not always a bad thing? I mean, if we’re considering party drugs to be…fun.” Merlin weakly smiled.

“Merlin, are you being offered drugs?” Gaius asked. His voice, eerily calm, still shook Merlin a bit like a guilty child in front of a parent.

“No, no!” Merlin sighed. “Gaius, I don’t know if you would even believe me if I told you the truth.”

“I’ve heard a lot of crazy things in my time. Try me, Merlin.” Gaius leaned back in his chair. Merlin did his best to recount what he had overheard at the sandwich shop. He avoided using names as he wasn’t sure what Gaius thought of the Pendragon family. He also neglected to mention that he would most likely be attending this party as well.

“I see.” Gaius finally replied. “Unfortunately, it seems that the individual whom you overheard has bad intentions. Rohypnol can be abused by people, especially at bars or parties. They slip it into the drinks of other people to incapacitate them. Typically, the victim is unlikely to remember anything which—”

“Makes it like the perfect crime.” Merlin finished Gaius’s sentence, scratching his bare chin. “Gaius, what would be the signs of someone being roofied?”

“Overdose of a benzodiazepine…this feels like one of my old medical school exams.” Gaius commented. Merlin took a few moments to realize that Gaius had indeed made a joke. The older man was capable of humor. “Since alcohol may be involved in this situation, it may be hard to differentiate intoxication and affected motor skills. The dangerous symptoms to look out for would be a slowed respiratory rate or loss of consciousness. If left untreated, it could lead to a coma or death.”

“Can you prevent the effects of the drug?” Merlin questioned, his mind running into a million different directions.

“I suppose.” Gaius pondered for a moment. “When I did my rotation in the emergency room, similar situations would require us to monitor the patient’s heart rate. We would also test for other substances. If it’s from the street, it can often be laced with other drugs.”

“Wait, aren’t there, um, emetics that can induce vomiting to help the patient?” Merlin nervously held his hands together. He had a vague flashback to one of those boring soap operas there were on repeat at the hospital.

“That’s dangerous.” Gaius shook his head. “There’s drugs to help. There’s this antidote, so to speak, called Flumazenil. It can be administered intravenously. It is a competitive inhibitor to the active ingredients in Rohypnol.”

There was some silence after Gaius finished his sentence as Merlin considered his options. He could just try and warn Arthur—but it’s not like they had the best relationship. Arthur would probably just call Merlin crazy. Merlin wondered if he could reach out to Gwaine or Gwen. Gwen would be put into an uncomfortable position reaching out to Arthur, Merlin supposed. Gwaine—as much as Merlin liked Gwaine—he wondered if the man would even take him seriously. After all, this seemed like an episode straight out of a TV show.

“Gaius.” Merlin chose his next words very carefully. “Would you have access to a syringe with Flumazenil?”

“Merlin?!” Gaius seemed aghast. “Are you actually asking me what I think you’re asking me?”

“Gaius—look, someone could get seriously hurt.” Merlin explained. “If I had the drug with me, maybe I could help—”

“Merlin, that’s why they have ambulances.” Gaius shook his head. “Hold on—are you going to attend this party that you mentioned?” Again, Merlin felt like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Gaius…”

“Merlin, is that a good idea with everything going on?” Gaius peered at Merlin.

“I can’t just shut myself away from everyone!” Merlin retorted. “Look, I’ve actually made friends, Gaius. Gwaine is the guy who’s throwing the party. He invited me. Besides, Helen said that social support—”

“I don’t think Helen meant to go out partying—”

“Yes, perhaps not, but—”

“Merlin—”

“Gaius—you don’t understand, Arthur has a lot of enemies—”

“Arthur? As in Arthur Pendragon?” Gaius paused. Merlin twisted his lips, wondering if it was a mistake to have mentioned Arthur’s name. Gaius seemed unreadable at the moment.

“Yes. He’s the one who’s being targeted.” Merlin confessed. “I’m not really friends with him, but I can’t stand by and just let him get hurt.” There were a lot of emotions coloring Gaius’s face, which truthfully perplexed Merlin. He wasn’t sure if Gaius was livid or upset or confused.

“It could be dangerous for Arthur Pendragon to be exposed to a high amount of Rohypnol.” Gaius spoke slowly, as if he was carefully cherry-picking his words.

“Well, obviously, Gaius—”

“Merlin, you don’t understand.” Gaius shook his head again. “I cannot…say it directly but I pray that you can hear me. Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther Pendragon, should not be exposed to Rohypnol. The possible…interactions…that the drug could have with other…chemicals…in his system could be dangerous.”

Merlin nearly bit his tongue as he tried to reply. He tried to really listen to what Gaius was saying. It seemed confusing—obviously the drug was bad but why was Gaius being so cryptic about it? Why couldn’t Gaius be upfront with him? Did he know Arthur? Did he—

A memory suddenly whacked Merlin in the head.

_Merlin was at the pharmacy. He had a bitter taste in his mouth and he was looking for mouthwash. Suddenly time moved forward. Arthur had just twisted Merlin’s arm behind his back. Gasping in pain, Merlin dropped the bottle of mouthwash. The plastic of the bottle bounced off the floor._

_“I’ll have you regret ever talking to me the way you do.” Arthur whispered harshly as he continued to hold Merlin’s arm in a painful way. Merlin grunted._

_“What? Who do you think you are? A king?” Merlin gasped. Arthur let out a mirthless chuckle, displeasure dripping at each of his breaths._

_“No. I’m the king’s son.” With those words, Arthur kneed Merlin behind his knees and dropped the boy to the floor. As Arthur walked away, Merlin looked up from the floor and saw the bold-face print of some prescription that Arthur had in the bag. While he couldn’t make out all the letters, Merlin recognized the name: DULOXETINE._

“Gaius…” Merlin started to put the pieces together. “Are you…is Arthur a patient of yours?”

“I cannot answer that question, Merlin.” Gaius stared blankly at Merlin.

“Okay, let me try this.” Merlin commented. “If I were to mix…Duloxetine with Rohypnol, what could happen?” Gaius seemed surprised by Merlin’s comment. If Merlin could read minds, he would wager that Gaius was probably wondering how Merlin knew that Arthur was prescribed that specific anti-depressant.

“The risk and severity of the adverse effects of Rohypnol would be increased.” Gaius recited, as if reading from a textbook. Merlin pursed his lips again and there were another few minutes of silence between the two men. Finally, Gaius broke the silence.

“Merlin, I cannot procure a syringe of Flumazenil for you.” Gaius started.

“But Gaius—”

“Merlin, I cannot procure this drug _for you_. However, I hope that you will stop by my office before you leave for this party. I will need your help bringing a parcel home.” Gaius’s cryptic words confused Merlin again until it hit him: Gaius was going to help Merlin!

“Oh, yes, of course!” Merlin grinned. “Anything for you, Gaius!”

* * *

Merlin: _Did you get an invite to Gwaine’s party?_

Gwen: _Yes! Are you going? Do you want to carpool?_

Merlin: _Sure!_ _I need to talk to you though._

Gwen: _Is it about seeing Arthur and Morgana there? I’ve been thinking about that._

Merlin: _Yeah, sorta. Wanna grab a coffee at the coffeehouse?_

Gwen: _Hm I suspect Elyan or someone might try to eavesdrop. What about The Dragon?_

Merlin: _Sure. Wanna meet in an hour?_

Gwen: _Good with me! See you soon!_

Merlin tucked away his phone into his pocket as he waited outside for Gwen. It had been a day after his conversation with Gaius. Merlin had internally debated about who to tell and after careful consideration, he reached out to Gwen. While it would be a bit unfair for him to place this burden on her shoulders, Merlin also knew that Gwen wasn’t vindictive. He had seen it whenever Elyan & Gwen had their “sibling spats.” Gwaine would joke about how they would be willing to give a kidney for each other, but god forbid one of them asks for the other to grab them a whipped cream canister.

“Merlin! Sorry sorry! Sometimes I run on CPT!” Gwen joked. Merlin smiled and assured Gwen it was okay. He wasn’t waiting for long, either. The two walked inside the dimly lit sports bar and a host quickly led them to a booth. The noise which had bothered Merlin the first time was starting to become more and more bearable.

“Your text sounded a bit serious, Merlin.” Gwen lowered her voice after placing her order. The loaded tots were so bad, but the melted cheese, sour cream, and bacon bits were so good.

“Yeah, I guess it kinda is.” Merlin confessed, nervously wringing his hands together on the table. “I was debating on telling you this but I decided that you should know.”

“Is everything okay, Merlin?” Gwen’s eyes widened. She reached out to touch Merlin’s hands until he gently flinched. She quickly remembered that he didn’t really like physical touch.

“Yeah, I guess.” Merlin shrugged. “But I guess this isn’t really about me, this time. It’s about Arthur.” Gwen leaned back a bit, her face confused.

“Arthur? Did he talk to you again?”

“No, no.” Merlin shook his head. “So you know that sandwich shop a few blocks down from here?”

“Yes! I love their turkey BLT! The avocado is heavenly!” Gwen grinned.

“I’ll be sure to try that!” Merlin grinned although he quickly realized that he would end up getting distracted if he didn’t keep a hold on the conversation. Merlin and Gwen had a tendency to talk about nearly everything on their mind but this time it was serious. “Well, I was there the other day. And, um, I happened to overhear something disturbing.”

“Was Gwaine talking about the Eiffel Tower with those girls again?” Gwen scoffed. “I hate that story. But wait, you said it was about Arthur.”

“Yes yes!” Merlin nodded quickly, his curiosity piquing about this story about Gwaine. “I’ll try to briefly summarize it.” As Merlin described what he heard, his breath started to become more ragged. Merlin wasn’t sure if it was because he was speaking faster than normal. It could also be the horrified look growing on Gwen’s face. Maybe it was all of the above?

“Merlin—did you see who it was?!” Gwen exclaimed.

“No, I was stupid and waited too long to took. I’m sorry.” Merlin looked down at his plate, feeling somewhat embarrassed at his folly. Gwen clicked her tongue and shook her head.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Merlin. For god’s sake—you aren’t the one trying to drug Arthur!” Gwen explained. “I’m really happy you told me about this.”

“I was worried that with everything going on with you and the Pendragon’s…”

“I can understand that feeling.” Gwen played with a strand of her hair. “I respect that you believe that I can put aside my personal feelings to help someone.”

“You believe in me, even though I spill every like third drink at work. I can do the same for you, Gwen.” Merlin smiled, blushing a bit as a memory returned of a frappucino exploding on him because he forgot to put the lid on the blender.

“What do you think the best way to handle this is?” Merlin spoke again, after the waitress had dropped off their food.

“I would normally tell Arthur,” Gwen bit her lip, “but I suspect that he’s not going to listen to me because he’ll be more caught up in the fact that I’m speaking to him again.”

“I thought about telling Arthur,” Merlin nodded, “but I don’t think he would take me seriously. What if we got Gwaine to tell Arthur?”

“Arthur would probably laugh and turn it into a joke.” Gwen rolled her eyes.

“What if I told Morgana? You mentioned that she would be at the party.” Merlin was running out of ideas.

“Morgana may be willing to listen.” Gwen thought about it some more as she chewed on some tator tots. “She could be our best bet. I don't know how she would react.”

“I assume none of Arthur’s other friends like Elyan or Leon would take it seriously?” Merlin cocked his head.

“Elyan would just think it’s some drama between Arthur and me.” Gwen sighed. “Fuck, I feel like I messed this up. If I could just suck it up and talk to Arthur—”

“Gwen, it’s okay.” Merlin assured his friend. “I don’t want to put you out of your comfort zone. Just because this is happening doesn’t mean that you have to put aside your feelings. There has to be a compromise here.”

“Oh, you are so smart, Merlin.” Gwen smiled. “Do you know anything about engineering? I swear the homework is killing me slowly.”

“I could tell you all about cells, but math and I threw away our friendship a while ago.” Merlin teased. “I also, um, have a back-up plan. I procured this drug—”

“Oh lord, Merlin, please tell me the rumors of you being a drug lord aren’t true—”

“There’s a rumor—never mind, Gwen, focus! I have this medicine that can reverse the effects of a roofie.” Merlin stared at Gwen to gauge her reaction. “I have to inject it—”

“You’re going to inject something in Arthur?!”

“If he starts to show signs of being roofied!” Merlin argued

“Merlin, have you actually ever delivered an injection before?” Gwen pursed her lips, wondering if she had insulted Merlin with that question.

“Um, to be fair, no.” Merlin confessed. “I’ve never done it. I’ve been watching Youtube videos, but yeah, hopefully it doesn’t have to come to that.”

“I know this might be the wrong time to tell you this, but Lance is familiar with injections and needles—”

“Are you trying to tell me that Lance shoots up?!” Merlin’s jaw dropped.

“No!” Gwen swatted Merlin playfully. “Lance told me he used to volunteer as an EMT. You know, an emergency medical technician. He would know how to deliver that medicine you’re talking about.”

“Should we then loop Lance into everything going on?” Merlin asked until another question came to mind: “When did you find this out about Lance? Do you guys talk often?”

“Um, we were texting the other day.” Gwen blushed, looking away a bit. “He was checking up on me and somehow the conversation became about a lot of things.”

“Oh, I see.” Merlin grinned. Gwen pretended to be affronted and gasped.

“Merlin, don’t let your mind go to the gutter! Or I am officially cutting you off the tots!”

“No! Not the tots!” Merlin feigned weeping until Gwen and Merlin started to belt out large peals of laughter. Merlin had to confess: he hadn’t laughed like this in a while and it was exhilarating.

“So…you’ll catch Lance up?”

“Yes. It’ll be strictly professional.” Gwen winked as she popped a tot into her mouth.

“Great. Let Operation Save The Prat begin!” Merlin’s eyes twinkled playfully before he stole a tot from Gwen’s plate.

* * *

The days flew by quickly. Gwen, to her promise, had caught Lance up-to-speed. It was unsurprising that Lance and Gwaine, in their short time working together, got along well. Thus, Gwen didn’t seem to have much trouble getting an invite for Lance. The only downside was Gwaine’s constant insinuations about why there was “trouble in paradise” between Gwen and Arthur.

As briefly discussed, Merlin had “dropped by” Gaius’s office to pick up some “stuff.” As if Gaius was paranoid about being watched, he left the room and explicitly told Merlin “not to touch anything, especially that packaged box in the corner.” Thus, Merlin felt nothing but the compulsion to pilfer the box as he carried the belongings home from the office. It was surreal, in a way: scheming and plotting ‘Operation Save The Prat.’ Lance, Gwen and Merlin had all been texting the night before: Gwen had “borrowed” some of Elyan’s clothes for Lance and when Elyan had left for his shift, Lance borrowed one of the showers. Merlin, naturally, had to send a pithy text to Gwen which only led to more threats to cut Merlin off the caffeine _and_ the tots.

Once it was time, Merlin waited anxiously outside his door. For safe keeping, he kept the box with the vial and syringe in a drawstring back hanging around his shoulders. To seem less paranoid about bringing along a bag, Merlin also dropped his keys and wallet in the bag, too. Sure, he probably didn’t need his wallet—but Merlin figured he never knew when it could come in handy.

Soon enough, lights flared at him from the distance and Gwen’s car appeared from the distance. In the passenger seat was a smiling Lance. If Merlin didn’t know better, he would have guessed that Gwen and Lance were having a lively conversation about something or the other. At least that’s what he would have taken from the wide smiles on their face.

“Hello!” Merlin waved as he opened the door to the back seat. “Are you all ready for Operation Save The Prat?”

“Can you imagine if Arthur actually heard that name?” Gwen giggled as she reached back to move some random bags and stuff aside, as if Merlin didn’t have enough space.

“I have to admit, I’m a bit nervous about this.” Lance admitted as he rubbed his palms on his pants. “I know that I’m only here to help with—”

“You’re here because we want you to be here, Lance.” Merlin interrupted. “Sorry to cut you off, but I just wanted to make that clear.”

“What Merlin said.” Gwen nodded as she glanced at the rearview mirror. “I’m—I mean, we’re happy that you’re here with us, Lance.”

“Well, thank you for having me.” Lance smiled as he glanced out the window. His face grimaced slightly as he passed by home after home. Merlin never asked about how Lance slept—he always figured that the shelter was enough to meet the basics. Was that an outdated view? Merlin truthfully didn’t know much about homeless shelters. He made a note to talk to Lance about it the next time they worked together.

“Well, here we are.” Gwen spoke up as she lowered the volume on the stereo system. “Operation Save The Prat commences.”

“So what’s the plan again?” Lance glanced at Gwen and Merlin while they unbuckled themselves.

“We enjoy ourselves, no?” Merlin turned his head from Gwen and Lance, as if expecting something else. “And if we start to feel like Arthur’s in trouble, then we signal each other to keep an eye on him.”

“Yes.” Gwen nodded. “If Arthur starts acting weird, I can get him alone. Merlin will bring the drug, and Lance—you can inject it into him.”

“I still think an ambulance would be better.” Lance admitted. “But I appreciate the trust you have in me.”

“So party time?” Gwen winked before exiting her car. Merlin smiled at Lance as they walked from the parked car together to the booming party. Merlin swore he just heard the tail-end of a One Direction song. Yet that seemed oddly fitting for a Gwaine party...

* * *

“Gwen! Merlin! Lance!” Gwaine’s loud voice boomed over the music. Merlin wasn’t surprised to see a lit joint in between Gwaine’s index and ring fingers in one hand and a red cup in Gwaine’s other hand. “You all came!”

“We wouldn’t miss it!” Gwen giggled as Gwaine leaned forward and kissed Gwen’s hand. Sometimes his friends acted like they were all knights in a former life or something and it greatly amused Merlin.

“Alright so—few of us have some bowls and jay’s going around the bonfire outside. Punch bowl and drinks are in the kitchen. If you see a cat somewhere, don’t pet it—he gets gnarly. Uh, anything else.” Gwaine hummed for a moment. “Oh, and bedroom off limits. Sorry to disappoint.” Gwaine winked. Merlin blushed although as he thought about it—was Gwaine’s comment directed toward the blushing Lance and Gwen?

“Do you see Arthur anywhere?” Lance whispered to Merlin as they scanned the party. Unfortunately, no blond pompous prat was to be found anywhere. Gwen did let out a slight squeak because while Arthur wasn’t anywhere to be found—Morgana appeared from the kitchen with a drink in her hand.

“Gwen!” Morgana’s eyes widened. Merlin couldn’t tell if it was surprise, happiness, or hurt in Morgana’s glittering eyes. “You’re here!”

“Yes!” Gwen smiled, looking away. Merlin could feel her drawing back a bit behind Merlin and Lance.

“Hello, Morgana.” Merlin found himself speaking up to draw the attention from Gwen. Morgana gave Gwen one more forlorn look before turning to smile at Merlin.

“Merlin! And who is this?” Morgana looked at Lance with curious eyes.

“This is Lance!” Merlin spoke first. “He’s the newbie at our store. I’m so glad I’m not the green bean.”

“Well, if I remember correctly, you still are a green bean. We both are. Comrades, I suppose. Not that communism is great but...” Lance coyly reminded Merlin as he rambled nervously himself. Luckily this slight joke eased the tension a bit as chuckle broke out among the group.

“Gwen, I’ve been texting and calling.” Morgana directed the conversation back to Gwen again. “Maybe we can catch up—there’s definitely a lot to—”

“Forgive me, but I think Gwen promised to show me the bonfire.” Lance interjected. Gwen seemed utterly grateful for Lance’s interjection as she followed his lead into the throngs of the party. Morgana watched with Merlin as they disappeared into the crowd.

“Fun party so far?” Merlin tried to ease the awkwardness, cursing himself for not walking with Lance and Gwen. Maybe he needed a drink.

“So much fun.” Morgana scoffed, giving a super sweet smile to Merlin before walking off to join another group of people. Merlin sighed and walked toward the punch bowl. He figured that maybe Lance and Gwen could use a drink, too. After pouring himself three drinks, Merlin held them close together as he tried to hold them all by himself.

“Wow, someone’s taking their drinks really seriously.” A familiar voice nearly made Merlin jump. Turning his head, Merlin saw Arthur and a few other guys walk in. “Unless that one cup is for me.” Before Merlin could even say anything, Arthur went out of his way to grab one of the red cups. Chugging it effortlessly, Arthur thanked Merlin before walking past him with his friends. One of them with scruffy hair seemed to give Merlin an apologetic look before walking by with Arthur.

“Here comes the prat.” Merlin muttered under his breath as he walked in a different direction to find Gwen and Lance. Once he found the duo, he wasn’t surprised to see them deep in conversation again.

“Merlin!” Gwen’s face brightened along with Lance’s face. “We were worried Morgana held you hostage.”

“Nah, I could probably fight her off.” Merlin chuckled before pausing. “Wait, didn’t someone say she won like every athletic award in high school? Maybe not.”

“Don’t count yourself out, Merlin.” Lance chuckled as he handed one of the cups to Gwen. “Also good memory remembering that I don’t drink.” Lance motioned to the other cup in Merlin’s hand. Merlin made a note to bring up how Arthur stole a cup and how Merlin forgot to refill it when he realized why he had even walked over here in the first place.

“Arthur’s here!” Merlin blurted out unceremoniously. “He just walked in with some friends.” Gwen and Lance looked around until Gwen spotted the group. They were with Gwaine and Morgana, standing around in a circle and chatting.

“Leon and Percy.” Gwen nodded. “They’re nice.”

“How nice can they be if they’re friends with the Pendragons?” Lance asked although he quickly apologized after seeing the look on Gwen’s face.

“Hey, Lance, if you start to feel uncomfortable—we can get ya out of here.” Merlin assured his friend.

“Yes, what Merlin said.” Gwen nodded as she took a long sip from her cup. “This punch is definitely strong. Gwaine’s specialty.”

“Thank you, both. I just need to learn how to control my words better.” Lance responded. “It’s just…jarring to see them here at a party.” Merlin mentally kicked himself: he didn’t even _think_ about how this party could be a trigger for Lance. Combining Arthur, alcohol, and party shenanigans all together was probably a big reminder to Lance about this situation. Gwen seemed to be having similar thoughts as she seemed forlorn.

“Um, watch out. I think we were just spotted by Percy.” Gwen took another sip of her drink. True to her observation, the group led by Arthur started to make their way toward the trio. Merlin did his best to appear like he wasn’t watching them so he turned to Lance and Gwen and said the first thing he could think of:

“Do you think unicorns are real?”

There wasn’t a response for a moment until Lance and Gwen broke out in laughter. While definitely unintentional, Merlin found himself laughing along with them. Humor was probably a great way to cope with the insanity of this situation.

“Guinevere!” Arthur called out as he got closer to the group. “Lovely seeing you here.”

“Arthur.” Gwen nodded. For a moment Merlin thought she was going to stay silent until she spoke up again, looping her arm around Lance. “Have you met Lance? He’s the newest worker at our store.”

“So I’ve heard from Morgana and Gwaine.” Arthur replied dryly, giving Lance and Merlin bare glances. “Hey, did you want to talk outside at the bonfire? I assume Merlin told you about—”

“Now, now—” Gwaine interrupted Arthur. “We can all have heart-to-hearts after we loosen up a bit. No offense, but the tension and energy here is thicker than—well, I can’t say it out loud but you probably get the drift.”

“Gwaine…gross.” Percival shuddered amongst the small quips of laughter.

“Shots? How many of us are there—Gwen, Percy, Princess, Merlin, Lance, Morgana, and me.” Gwaine counted. “Seven, if I can do math.”

“Make it eight, Gwaine!” A voice called out from the distance. Merlin watched as some built-looking guy appeared from the crowd. His face was slightly red and sweaty although Merlin supposed that was from the alcohol and the growing heat in the room.

“Valiant, you look like you’ve already had a lot to drink.” Morgana observed playfully. “Maybe sit this round of shots out?”

“Nah, I’m good.” The guy named Valiant smirked as he clapped his arm around Arthur's shoulder. “Besides, I can always outdrink _Arthur_ over here.”

It suddenly hit Merlin from the way that Valiant said Arthur’s name: this was the guy he had heard at the sandwich shop! 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO please read these notes if you usually skip over them
> 
> 1.) Trigger/Content Warnings: self-harm mentions, alcohol use, drug use (specifically marijuana), strong use of homophobic language, strong use of ableist language, explicit mention of sexual violence, and strong themes of self hatred.. I'll confess: writing a certain character this chapter actually made me feel a bit nauseated so if I, the writer, felt that way--I want to make sure that y'all, the readers, are prepared. 
> 
> 2.) I usually try to aim for ~4,000 words or more a chapter and this is a bit below that and I apologize. I actually started medical school this week and orientation has been draining.

“Eight shots it is, then! Hold your horses, my lovely guests, and I shall return momentarily.” Gwaine winked before he slipped into the sea of people at the party. Merlin politely smiled in everyone’s direction as he wondered what the most inconspicuous way to alert Gwen and Lance would be. Merlin thought about drawing them away from the crowd, but he guessed that Morgana and Arthur would be less than thrilled to have Gwen walk away from them again.

“So, Lance, you from around here?” Arthur commented as he barely gave Lance another look. Merlin felt his blood boil for a moment until he saw past Arthur’s masquerade: it was an attempt to look bolder in Gwen’s eyes.

“I am.” Lance replied, although he looked away from Arthur’s direction. Merlin also felt bad for Lance and his feelings in this situation. Merlin didn’t think he could stand looking at the guy who ruined his life.

“Arthur, I wonder where you were last week.” Valiant interrupted the awkward exchange with little to no acknowledgment to the tension between Lance and Arthur. “I hope people haven’t been forgetting to invite you to their parties.”

“Can there even be a party without my friends and I, Valiant?” Arthur remarked. Thankfully, that slight wager to his ego was more than enough to distract Arthur from the awkwardness of the situation. “Besides, Morgana’s been busy being a doctor and all.”

“I think it would be more appropriate to say that a party wouldn’t be a party without someone as beautiful as Morgana.” Valiant winked in Morgana’s direction. Merlin felt some nausea just from that pathetic flirting attempt. He would be willing to bet money that Morgana’s smile was nothing but forced.

“Um, Valiant, was it?” Merlin spoke up, earning a grateful look from Morgana. “Have you ever been to the sandwich shop near The Dragon?”

“Do I know you?” Valiant gave Merlin a quick look before turning back to Arthur and Morgana. Merlin felt a twinge of embarrassment from Valiant’s uncouth remark but it seemed to have had it’s intended effect when Lance and Gwen gave Merlin a look. As if on cue, Merlin’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Taking it out, his heart fluttered when he saw that Gwen had texted the group chat:

Gwen: _Merlin was it possible that you heard Valiant at the sandwich shop? He’s a scoundrel._

Merlin furiously typed as he saw Gwaine from the corner of his eye approaching with a tray of drinks. As he hit “SEND” Gwaine appeared with a twinkle in his eyes.

“I found tequila.” Gwaine grinned. “Nothing says a fun night like tequila.”

“I, um, don’t drink.” Lance politely refused Gwaine’s glass. Arthur sniggered in response to Lance’s words.

“Wow, what a saint.” Arthur chuckled. “You must be real fun at parties, then.”

“He is.” Gwen replied quickly, her unexpected response prompting Arthur to jump slightly. “Lance is a lot of fun to be around.”

“Is it fun when someone takes you away from your friends?” Morgana whispered loud enough for Gwen to hear. Merlin quickly grabbed the remaining shot glasses from Gwaine and distributed them before this conversation could get even more uncomfortable.

“Shots, everybody?” Merlin grinned. Gwaine whistled as the seven party guests winced at their tequila shot. To Merlin, it burned, and he felt a wave of disgust hit him. Alcohol definitely did not taste good.

“Ah shit. I forgot the salt and lime.” Gwaine scoffed. “Maybe another round of shots then? I’ll take Lance’s shot if no one wants it.” When no one protested, Gwaine downed the shot as if it was just water. Merlin didn’t miss Valiant’s seemingly ravenous glower at Arthur: he _had_ to be the one that he had heard at the sandwich shop. But one question was tickling Merlin’s mind: why was this seemingly random acquaintance of Arthur trying to hurt him like this?

Sure, Arthur was a prat. Merlin wouldn’t deny that. But there had to be _some_ good in him, right? I mean Gwen has/had feelings for him. Elyan, who has been nothing but noble to Merlin, is friends with Arthur. Even Gwaine could see the good in Arthur. But then again there was Lance—someone whose whole life had been upturned by the Pendragon family. Merlin didn’t have to look far: he wasn’t necessarily on the best terms with that family, either.

But then Merlin thought back to Gaius and his concern. Gaius was a physician, sure, and maybe he was supposed to care about _all_ of his patients. But would Gaius risk his medical degree and engage in borderline malpractice to save all of his patients? What was it about this blond asshat that made people believe in him?

A memory did poke at Merlin and he was humbled to remember that Arthur had let a drunken Merlin stay the night in his bed—no real questions asked. They may not have liked each other, but Arthur seemed to have the bare minimum qualities of caring for other people. But then the other question tore at Merlin: why would Arthur have done what he did to Lance? Why would this rowdy Valiant guy want to hurt him?

Merlin made a mental note to himself to see if he could get some answers before the party ended. After it became clear that Gwaine probably got distracted by something else, Gwen urged Lance and Merlin to follow her outside where there was more room to hide away from Morgana and Arthur. It seemed like the tactic worked because Arthur, despite seeming annoyed at Gwen’s reluctance to speak with him, walked away to the crowds of the party. Morgana, on the other hand, disappeared as well. Merlin wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not, as he didn’t know much about the female Pendragon (well other than that she was beautiful and scary, all the same time).

“So you think Valiant’s the one who wants to hurt Arthur?” Gwen whispered to Merlin as they stood huddled in a corner by a fencepost. Some people were around the bonfire passing around a joint. Merlin felt the pungent smell of fruit hit his nostrils, prompting him to almost ask aloud what specific strain were those people smoking.

“Yeah, I think so. He gives me weird vibes.” Merlin confessed.

“I see what you mean, Merlin. But truth be told, a lot of people here give me weird vibes.” Lance shrugged. “I think it’s this…nonchalance. You know, I’ve heard of people in other states being arrested for smoking weed. Yet these people just do it as if they know that the worst they’ll receive is a warning.” Merlin agreed with Lance: there was definitely an air of privilege around these people.

“What should we do now? I’m sorry that I’m kinda weirding everyone out.” Gwen sighed. “If I could just get over everything and talk to them—”

“Hey, Gwen, it’s okay.” Lance assured their friend. “I won’t hold it against you in anyway if you decide to talk to them. This is my issue—not yours.”

“Yes, but it’s so wrong what they did to you. And it brings up other questions.” Gwen spoke with exasperation. “If they’re willing to do this, what else are they willing to do?”

“That’s fair to wonder.” Merlin replied. “But I also don’t think it’s fair to blame yourself for the awkwardness. It’s kinda not fair for Morgana or Arthur to confront you at a party. If you’ve been ignoring them, they should read the room and wait for a better time.”

“You both are right.” Gwen admitted. “It’s just…not to quote the _Friends_ theme song, but who’d ever thought that life would be this way?” To that cheesy reference, the trio let out a few notes of laughter. Lance, after a few more laughs, held his hand to his chest and looked around.

“Do you think Gwaine would happen to keep food at a party like this?” Lance looked at Merlin and Gwen.

“Well, I would happen to know that even if he doesn’t have food out, he keeps his fridge pretty well stocked. I’m sure we can raid it when no one’s looking.” Gwen winked as she grabbed Lance’s wrist to propel him forward. “Merlin, you coming along?”

Merlin, however, got momentarily distracted by the reappearance of Valiant and some other guys. They were chatting and looking around—seemingly normal party behavior, Merlin supposed. But for a moment, Merlin swore he saw a flash of orange like the typical prescription bottle and his senses went on high alert.

“Um,” Merlin responded after a few moments, “why don’t you guys go on ahead? I’ll find you in the kitchen. I just want to check out something.”

“I won’t judge you for smoking a bit of weed, Merlin.” Gwen giggled. “We are at a party, It’s not wrong to enjoy ourselves.” With those last insinuating words, Gwen dragged Lance back inside to the house. The loud music from the indoors definitely made it hard to overhear, but Merlin figured his slightly-larger-than-average ears could finally be put to good use.

Walking over with his phone in his palm, Merlin tried to casually seem like another party guest moving around. As he got closer and closer to Valiant and his group of friends, Merlin pretended to be engrossed in phone. For good measure, Merlin grabbed a nearby red plastic cup that was almost empty just to seem more natural.

“…Fucking retard just walking around like he owns the place.” Merlin heard Valiant whisper harshly. “Heard Morgana’s opening her legs for Alvarr.” There were some snickers around the group and Merlin felt a pang of disgust spread across his body. Why were these people so fake to each other if they were filled with contempt?

“Can’t wait for the fucking fag to black out.” One of the other guys said. “Tired of the fucking Pendragons acting like they own the place.”

“When he blacks out, where we gonna take him, Valiant?”

“Easy.” Valiant probably grinned, although Merlin was turning his head away to try and be unnoticed. “We’ll drop him off somewhere. Take his phone, wallet, keys and stuff. Maybe we can treat ourselves to a nice meal with his daddy’s money.”

“What about that campsite in the woods?” Someone suggested. “I always hear fucking hobos and shit are around the place. Maybe they’ll fucking beat him up or rape him or something.”

“Good idea dude!” Valiant cheered. “That’ll fucking show him. Maybe we’ll never have to see him around here ever again.” Merlin shuddered: sure, he found Arthur to be annoying—but to hurt him and endanger him like this? It’s going too far. Merlin had decided that he had heard enough. He needed to tell Arthur about what’s going now and he needed to tell him now. Even if Arthur didn’t believe him—maybe common sense would prevail and he would be vigilant.

* * *

“Arthur!” Merlin finally located the blond man who was chugging a can of beer. After finishing the drink and crushing the can, Arthur cheered on with his friends—Leon and Percy, if Merlin identified them correctly. For a moment, Percy’s _very_ large arms distracted Merlin but he quickly snapped back into focus.

“Arthur!” Merlin called out again, getting closer to Arthur. The blond man finally noticed him and wrapped his arm around Merlin’s shoulders, the alcohol mixing with his cologne and sweat.

“ _Mer_ -lin!” Arthur cheered. “Didn’t know you were here.” Merlin scoffed before quickly reminding himself that Arthur was pretty drunk already.

“I need to talk to you.” Merlin requested, noticing people’s eyes on them. “Alone, preferably.”

“Aw, _Mer_ -lin.” Arthur cooed. “That’s quite flattering, and not unexpected, but I’m not interested—”

“No, you idiot—it’s really important, please!” Merlin groaned. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Valiant and his group of friends started to walk inside from the bonfire. Waves of marijuana-scented smoke filled the room as they opened and closed the patio door.

“Why does everything have to be important?” Arthur whined. “Why can’t anything just be fun?”

“Yo, Prince Arthur!” Valiant called out as he advanced toward Arthur. Leon and Percy huddled closer to Arthur, similar to knights protecting an actual prince. “You’re barely drinking, man! I didn’t know Leon was holding your balls captive.” There were some roars of amusement as people around the men saw a scene unfolding. Merlin swore inwardly—was he too late?

“Arthur, please.” Merlin whispered as Arthur swaggered beyond him.

“What, are you offering me _your_ drink, Valiant?” Arthur grinned. “How _noble_ of you.”

“Hey, what’s mine is yours man.” Valiant guffawed as he thrust his red cup into Arthur’s hand. Merlin looked around for Gwen and Lance, hoping to get some back-up. They were nowhere to be found for now which worried Merlin.

“Hey, wait, Arthur!” Valiant yelled before Arthur took a swig of his drink. “Lemme get a cup too. Bet you can’t finish it before I do.”

“Oh, it’s on like Donkey Kong.” Arthur’s eyes glimmered. Merlin’s heart dropped: Valiant must have drugged that drink and he was getting Arthur to chug it. His heart racing, Merlin tugged at the strings of his drawstring bags as he weighed his options. He could try and find Gwen and Lance but what if it was too late? What if he said something? Would anyone believe him?

As Valiant was handed a red cup by one of his cronies, Merlin took a deep breath as he decided to be brave. Thinking about how brave Gwen was to create a boundary between her former best friends after realizing dark secrets about their family and thinking about how brave Lance was to be around the people who ruined his life, Merlin figured it was his turn to display his courage—even if it came with a great risk.

“STOP!” Merlin yelled as loud as he could before Arthur could take a sip of the drink. Valiant threw Merlin a malevolent glare as people stared at Merlin in confusion. Gwaine appeared from the crowd with a genuinely concerned look on his face.

“Merlin, you good?” Gwaine asked.

“I—He—Arthur—I—I think he drugged Arthur’s drink!” Merlin exclaimed as he nodded toward Valiant, fumbling over his words. For a few moments the only sound that could be heard was the booming of the music.

“What the fuck Gwaine! Who the fuck is this faggot and why is he fucking accusing me of shit?” Valiant’s nostrils flared as he took a step closer toward Merlin. His friends looked as angry as him and Merlin got vivid flashbacks to people shoving him angrily in high school.

“Hey, hold on!” Gwaine came in between Valiant and Merlin. Arthur, despite his intoxication, seemed genuinely confused as he darted his eyes between his cup and Merlin.

“ _Mer_ lin what kinda stuff are you on?” Arthur finally chuckled. “Why would Valiant drug my drink?”

“Look, I just…I swear I saw him put something in it.” Merlin mumbled, avoiding eye contact from all the people staring at him. Valiant grunted, muttering a few curse words under his breath.

“We’re not all little creepy faggots like you.” Valiant hissed, prompting Merlin to wince. Some tears started to form at the edge of his eyes, but he tried to hold his ground despite how fast his heart was beating.

“Shut up, Valiant.” Gwaine scoffed in Valiant’s direction before flipping his head back toward Merlin. “Merlin, this is a misunderstanding or a joke, right? Valiant, the _son of a cop_ , would _never_ do something like that, right?” Gwaine emphasized certain words but they only made Merlin even more anxious.

“This is getting to be ridiculous.” Arthur scoffed. “Just get me another fucking cup then and let’s keep on going.”

“No, this fucking fa—”

“Valiant.” Gwaine hissed.

“This fairy’s trying to say that I’m a poof like him.” Valiant lowered his voice. “Why doesn’t he eat his own words? Or drink them?”

“What?!” Merlin gasped.

“Drink that drink. And we’ll see if it’s actually drugged or not, you retard. When you’re proven wrong, I never want to see your faggy face again.” Valiant scoffed, his friends cheering him on. Several of the other partygoers nodded, goading Merlin into agreeing.

“B-But…I…” Merlin seemed uncomfortable, desperately trying to find a way out of this situation.

“Merlin,” Arthur made direct eye contact with the darker-haired man, “you don’t have to—”

“If he doesn’t drink the fucking drink, then this party’s canceled.” Valiant threatened Gwaine who seemed to be getting more and more upset by the minute.

“I don’t like threats, Valiant.” Gwaine hissed again.

“I don’t like being slandered, Gwaine.” Valiant retorted before looking at Merlin again. “I’m giving you 10 seconds to take the drink or else this party is getting shut down.

“Fine!” Merlin sighed. “I’ll drink it!” He grabbed the cup from Arthur’s hand and paused.

“Come on!” Valiant roared, his voice echoed by other people.

“Merlin—” Arthur started but it was too late. Merlin closed his eyes and chugged the drink. Unsurprisingly, it tasted like a typical party cocktail: strong with alcohol masqueraded with some type of sugary soda. A few drops dribbled down Merlin’s chin but he finally finished the drink, wiping his lips with his sleeve as he did.

“See?” Valiant snorted. “This fairy’s still standing.”

“Look, it was just some type of misunderstanding, okay?” Gwaine sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Merlin could feel his heart breaking—no one believed him. They truly thought he was just joking or being an asshole.

“Whatever, let’s just go back to the party guys.” Arthur rolled his eyes. Merlin felt too ashamed to even meet Arthur’s eyes as he walked away before tears could start dripping down his face. This was a mistake. Maybe Valiant didn’t drug the drink—maybe Merlin really did misunderstand the situation. Maybe Merlin was the idiot that voice told him he was. Maybe Merlin should have tried harder to kill himself those months ago and maybe—

Merlin swore there was a voice calling out his name but he was suddenly in the parking lot outside of Gwaine’s house. Flashes were starting to go in-and-out. It was starting to get kinda hot. Merlin felt his arms itch and he desperately wished he had brought along a razor blade or something to play with. He liked his magic sword. It was so helpful. It made him feel strong. Even though he knew he was weak. Weak. Weak like how everyone saw him. No one at that party probably liked him. He was a loser. An outcast. There was a tree in front of him. Merlin was crying. He didn’t notice he was crying. Did he just hiccup? It was getting hot again. But Merlin couldn’t pull up his sleeves. Everyone would see his scars.

But this tree was uncomfortable. There was a weird taste on Merlin’s tongue. Was it the alcohol? How did Merlin get outside? Was that a squirrel? Wasn’t there a squirrel Pokemon in the new games? Merlin suddenly tripped on a root. Where did the root come from? Wasn’t he at Gwaine’s party? Wait, where did this tree come from?

Merlin suddenly felt really tired. He held onto the tree as if he was being dragged away by the sea. Was he sweating? Fuck, he was getting hot. Was he going to overheat? But he couldn’t pull up his sleeves. What if someone saw? Arthur would probably laugh at him. Call him pathetic. Like Valiant did. He was a fairy. A poof. A faggot. A retard. He was all of the above.

Why was the space around him spinning? Did someone just say his name? Merlin patted the bark of the tree. It wasn’t super comfortable—like Arthur’s bed. But Merlin felt like he had just run a marathon and this tree was his bed. Gosh, he could really use a nap. Maybe he could ask Gwaine to use his bed. Where was Gwaine?

“G-Gwaine…” Merlin croaked. He was really thirsty. Trying to lift himself from the ground, Merlin fell and giggled. Wow, Gwaine’s house was really big if it could have a tree in it. Suddenly there were voices around Merlin. Was it the music? Merlin’s eyelids felt really heavy. He just wanted to sleep. Sleep sounded so nice. This wasn’t a bed and it _definitely_ wasn’t Arthur’s comfortable bed but he was just going to lay down here. There wasn’t any point in getting up his legs weren’t really cooperating. Well, neither was his body. But he was probably just tired.

What seemed like a month later, Merlin winced as he opened his eyes. The room—or at least wherever he was—was spinning around him.

“Whats—Whats—where—” Merlin slurred, reaching out but not being able to grab anything. There was a moment where suddenly everything felt okay and Merlin thought about falling back asleep.

Then it started: shaking sensations like a million volts were running through his body. Merlin suddenly couldn’t stop his hands and legs from shaking. That feeling was crawling up his body like insects escaping a predator. Merlin’s body felt like it was on fire. The feelings of bugs crawling under his skin—the tingling; the pulling; the itching; the jolting sensations were starting to become too much for him.

Merlin could feel his eyes fluttering and the grass beneath him started to disappear as darkness gradually enveloped him like an old friend.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! It's not a filler chapter (I don't necessarily believe in those) but it's...not as action/plot packed as you guys might want. I do apologize. My first week of medical school has been pretty intense but I think I'm starting to get into a good routine. And kudos to me--I still managed to meet my goal of updating in a week!
> 
> Triggers for this chapter: implicit mention of near sexual assault; drinking; drug use; drug overdose; syringe use; memory loss

“Merlin!”

“Merlin!!”

“Merlin, wake up, please!”

“Merlin!”

 _Why is everything so loud? My body hurts._ Merlin thought to himself. Everything was dark. For a few moments, he couldn’t even feel his own body. What was going on? Wait, was there an ant on him? Or something creepy and crawly—it felt disgusting. Why was his head pounding? Merlin felt so weak and numb. It was almost like he wasn’t actually in his body—instead, he could sorta see a vague fuzzy shape that was maybe supposed to be his body. It didn’t make any sense.

“L-Lance! He’s moving! I think!” That voice…it sounded like Gwen.

“Gwaine, could you run back to your place to get some water?” That had to be Lancelot. His voice had a nice intonation to it.

“Sure. Morgana, why don’t you come back with me?” Was that Gwaine? Merlin almost couldn’t tell from the somberness that replaced the usual jovial notes.

“Morgana, if you wanted, I could call Fa—” Merlin could understand the other voices but this one confounded him. It nearly sounded like Arthur but without the usual pomp and charisma.

“No!” That shrill voice couldn’t possibly belong to Morgana, could it? She usually sounded so composed and calm. “I-I’ll go back with Gwaine. Is he going to be okay?”

“I-I think so.” Lance muttered. “I’m glad he had his bag on him with the syringe.”

The syringe? Lance couldn’t possibly be talking about…wait, _who_ exactly were they talking about? Suddenly a warm hand petted his head, oddly reminding him of how his mother would comfort him after a nightmare. The sounds of footsteps on pavement and then the crunching of leaves distracted Merlin from his thoughts.

“I can’t believe I’m actually saying this,” the voice that sounded like Arthur’s hiccupped for a moment, “but Merlin was actually right.”

Okay, _that_ definitely got Merlin’s attention. Shifting slightly, Merlin let out a small groan. His body felt so sore.

“Ssssh, Merlin, it’s okay.” Gwen whispered.

“I still think we should call an ambulance. Just to be safe.” Lance thought aloud.

“What about Dr. Gaius? Merlin lives with him.” Gwen replied. “I don’t know if Merlin has insurance and you know an ambulance ride is so expensive—”

“Still, a hospital facility might be better.” Lance urged. “Dr. Gaius may be knowledgeable, but the sanitation, tools, and equipment of a hospital—”

“He’s right, Guinevere.” Arthur yawned. “A hospital would be better. I’ve seen the inside of Merlin’s place and I don’t think it’s necessarily fit to be a hospital. I’m sure I can convince my father to foot the bill and write it off as—”

“N-No…no hospital…” Merlin croaked as loud as he could. Despite the soft-spoken words, Merlin could feel the apprehensive silence around him. It was as if he was a toy or a doll that suddenly came to life.

“Merlin!” Gwen sniffed.

“Let’s get him up. Help me, will you?” Arthur probably motioned to Lance and suddenly Merlin’s body was lifted. He groaned at the discomfort, but he was quickly satiated when his body was propped up standing against something solid. Was it a tree?

“W-Whats…” Merlin yawned; his throat suddenly sticky. It still hurt to open his eyes so he was keeping them closed. The light around him was too strong. His head was pounding like someone had hit it with a jackhammer or something.

“Merlin, Merlin—it’s Lance.” Lance gently held onto Merlin’s shoulders and probably looked at him directly in the face based on the echo of his voice.

“Where…” Merlin struggled to get out another word. Did he hear that someone was going to get water? His throat burned. He could _really_ use some water.

“A-And Gwen! And Arthur!” Gwen chimed in from a distance. Or was she actually next to Merlin? He couldn’t tell from the throbbing in his skull.

“Look, we gotta make sure you’re okay.” Arthur sighed. “Then you can gloat all you want that you were right.”

“Right…?” Merlin felt like he was missing something. Why was _Arthur_ of all people saying that _he_ was right? Hold on a moment—why were Gwen, Lance, and Arthur all together? Didn’t Gwen and Lance hate Arthur? Okay, maybe they didn’t _hate_ Arthur but…

“I’m guessing you have a lot of questions.” Lance murmured in a soft voice. “Do you remember anything from the past few hours, Merlin?”

“Is it really necessary to interrogate him right now? Let the guy get some water or something first.” Arthur contested.

“I think we should let Lance do what he thinks is best.” Gwen retorted. “He was an EMT—”

“Oh, the high and mighty Lance. Does he also save kittens from trees and burning buildings?”

“Arthur why are you—hold on, this is not the time!” Gwen exhaled sharply. “We need to focus on Merlin.”

“T-That’s m-me.” Merlin weakly waved his hand, as if they forgot about him. “I-I don’t know…what’s going on. Thirsty…throat…burns.”

“It’s probably from the vomit.” Lance sighed. Merlin shuddered—did he vomit _again?_ Gosh, what was with him vomiting in front of Gwen and Arthur?

“It’s going to be okay. Gwaine and Morgana went back to Gwaine’s place to get some water.” Gwen assured Merlin with a comforting voice.

“And then maybe after someone can help me pulverize that fucking creep Valiant.” Arthur hissed. “Merlin could have died if we didn’t find him!”

“F-Find…me?”

“It’s a long story.” Gwen sighed. Merlin finally mustered the strength to open his eyes a bit but the sunlight was too bright and harsh and he immediately closed them again. “Lance and I saw Morgana leaving with that guy, Alvarr. We didn’t have a good feeling about him. We were lucky that we came when we did—oh, maybe now’s not the best time to tell you all of this.”

“N-No…distract me. Head hurts.” Merlin let out as many words as he could while leaning back against the tree.

“Shoot, we should have asked Gwaine to get some food, too. I can call him real quick and see if he can grab some bars or something.” Arthur stepped away and Merlin presumed it was just Lance, Gwen and himself for a few minutes.

“Morgana…okay?”

“I think she will be.” Lance whispered. “But I’m not sure. She seemed distraught.”

“What…happ…” Merlin coughed, his voice unable to let out any more words.

“You really must not remember, Merlin.” Gwen replied. “You took the drink that was meant for Arthur. The one that Valiant drugged.”

Merlin didn’t have the energy to respond with words but the loud groan that came from his body hopefully expressed his shock and confusion.

“When we got Morgana away from Alvarr, we stumbled upon Arthur and Gwaine trying to find you.” Lance continued for Gwen. “We finally found you nearly half a mile away from Gwaine’s place. You were out cold, Merlin.”

“There was vomit all around you and…I…I honestly thought you might have been dead. I swear you weren’t breathing.” Gwen sniffed, clearly trying to hold back her tears.

“It was a gamble, but I was worried that perhaps you might have overdosed on the drug that was meant for Arthur.” Lance cleared his throat to indicate that Arthur was probably returning. “Needless to say, the drug you had saved you.”

“Why did you even have a syringe neatly packed in your bag, Merlin?” Arthur asked as he pocketed his phone. “Sorry, Gwaine was just about to leave his place before walking back here. Morgana’s a mess. She started sobbing on the way back.”

“I’m so sorry, Arthur.” Gwen murmured, nimbly avoiding Arthur’s question. “I’m just glad we found her before Alvarr did anything more.”

“And the needle in Merlin’s bag?” Arthur circled back to the question on his mind. Merlin weakly looked where he thought Lance and Gwen would be standing, hoping they could come up with a suitable answer.

“Well,” Lance started, “Merlin overheard your _friend_ bragging about how he was going to drug you.”

“What?!” Arthur sneered, disbelief probably spreading across his face as much as it colored his words. “Why wouldn’t—that doesn’t make _any_ sense.”

“Did you believe Merlin when he told you?” Gwen probably stared directly at Arthur with that serious stare despite knowing the answer. Arthur scoffed loudly and mumbled something about how he was drunk.

“Look, I’ll deal with Valiant, later.” Arthur exhaled sharply. “So you’re telling me that Merlin—and you two—came to this party to save me? Even though _you_ were blatantly ignoring me.”

“We called it Operation Save The Prat.” Lance spoke after a few moments of silence. Arthur’s jaw probably dropped and Merlin tried to open his eyes to see the disbelief on Arthur’s face. Still, the light hurt too much and he leaned back against the tree for support again. Where was Gwaine with that water? What had also happened to Morgana?

“How _noble_ of you.” Arthur finally replied, shuffling his feet a bit. “Do I even _know_ you?” That probably upset Lance (and by extension, Gwen) as there was another awkward silence around the group.

“You should.” Lance finally replied, probably after carefully choosing his words. Merlin swore he heard some twigs snapping from a distance, prompting him to wonder if Gwaine was returning soon. Finally mustering up more courage and strength, Merlin opened his eyes. The bright light stung but he continued blinking despite the tears forming.

“Merlin!” Gwen exclaimed when she saw that Merlin was starting to stand on his own (barely) and keep his eyes somewhat open. She offered an arm for support and Merlin graciously took it as he stumbled a bit moving from the tree. Glancing between the bewildered Arthur and the concerned Lance, Merlin mouthed a thank you as his body groaned in pain.

“I heard someone’s thirsty for me?” Gwaine finally appeared with some water bottles in tow. Merlin had to admit that he was surprised by Gwaine’s consideration: he had actually brought 4 water bottles—one for each of them.

“Catch, Princess.” Gwaine threw the water bottle at Arthur who—despite his drunken demeanor—caught it effortlessly. Fortunately for Merlin, Gwaine took pity on him and handed him the water bottle.

Uncapping it slowly, Merlin started chugging down the water as if he had never had it before in his life. It felt _so_ good—it soothed the stinging in his throat and the pains in his body were quiet for a moment.

“Morgana…is she okay?” Merlin finally uttered after finishing every last drop of water in his bottle. Gwen and Lance seemed to share this question as they glanced at Gwaine curiously.

“She’s, er, been better.” Gwaine shrugged. “If you ask me, I think she might need some space.”

“What…happened?” Merlin asked, taking breaths in between each word as if it hurt to speak. Well, it sorta did. The pounding headache was still dancing around in Merlin’s skull.

“I think we told you that Lance and I followed Morgana out of the party.” Gwen hummed for a moment as she tried to recall her previous words. “We found her with Alvarr—”

“Don’t really know the dude, to be honest.” Gwaine commented. “I think he was a friend of a friend.”

“Well, either way—Lance and I noticed them getting into Alvarr’s car.” Gwen explained, nervously playing with the ends of her blouse. “From the Morgana I know—or thought I knew—she was never one to casually hook up with someone. Especially at one of Gwaine’s parties. No offense, Gwaine.”

“None taken.” Gwaine winked.

“When we finally decided to get closer, we noticed that…” Lance paused as he glanced at the discomfort visible on Arthur’s face. “We noticed that Morgana was crying and trying to leave the car but Alvarr was getting…aggressive.”

“So what? Did you ride in on a white horse and save the day?” Arthur retorted. Merlin almost wanted to laugh: was Arthur actually jealous of Lance?

“Nope.” Lance grinned. “She did.” Merlin had to admit surprise as he glanced at the girl blushing next to him.

“Gwen slammed her fist on the door and demanded that Alvarr let Morgana go.” Lance retold the story. “Alvarr wasn’t budging, obviously. He made the mistake of getting out of the car to tell us off when—”

“I punched him!” Gwen exclaimed, quickly covering her mouth afterwards. Gwaine and Arthur shared Merlin’s surprise. “It hurt a bit, but he deserved it.” If Merlin had more energy, he would vocalize his amazement at Gwen. How did she have such a big heart that despite being upset at Morgana she still put aside her anger to go out of her way and ultimately rescue her friend?

“So between Merlin getting drugged and Morgana nearly getting assaulted,” Gwaine remarked, “I assume this party isn’t going in the books as a success.”

“I’m praying that was a joke, Gwaine.” Lance replied.

“Trying to lighten the mood a bit, sure. Some of you guys look like you’re ready to swordfight to the death or something.” Gwaine observed, essentially pointing a finger at Arthur’s flared nostrils without making any indication of it.

“Merlin, are you feeling better? If you’re ready, we can help you get to Gwaine’s house and maybe cook some—”

“Cook? Let’s just order some breakfast.” Arthur groaned, interrupting Gwen in the process. “This has been too chaotic for my liking and I could rather use some overly greasy food to soothe myself.”

“Oh, _you_ need to be soothed, Princess?” Gwaine winked. “Not your knight in shining armor, Merlin, who tried to warn us about Valiant?” Merlin felt his lips get dry at that analogy. For some reason, the idea of saving Arthur and being decorated for it felt…strangely exhilarating. Merlin blamed his addled mind for finding Arthur’s hungover stupor somewhat endearing.

“Shut it, Gwaine.” Arthur scoffed. “Obviously they need more support than me. I’m not going to just put their business out there.”

“Let’s just work on getting Merlin to the house.” Lance commanded once Merlin gave his consent with a nod. Gwaine made a movement to help carry Merlin with Lance but Arthur reached Merlin first. Merlin wouldn’t admit it, but the physical touch of the muscular blond was somewhat soothing. Well, it was soothing as it was…confusing. Merlin could never admit that he found Arthur attractive, but there was something to be said about being so close to him. Then again, being sandwiched between Lance _and_ Arthur—

“Hey, Earth to Merlin—are you listening?” Gwaine interrupted Merlin’s hazy thoughts. “I’m going to pick up some food with Arthur once we get back. Are you a doughnut guy or a sandwich guy? Or do you like burritos? Maybe waffles?”

“Uh…anything.” Merlin mumbled, hitching his breath slightly as they reached a slight incline.

“I’m, um, unable to reimburse you so please don’t feel the need to—”

“Okay, Lance.” Gwaine rolled his eyes. “You’re acting like Princess over here isn’t loaded with more money than we’ll ever see.” That comment definitely stung Lance who stopped for a moment. Arthur seemed to notice Lance’s reaction, but he wisely chose not to say anything at that moment. 

As they slowly approached Gwaine’s house, Gwaine took the opportunity to ride away in his car to get breakfast. Merlin figured he could probably use a break from being around everyone—although then again Gwaine did seem quite extroverted. Still, the awkward silence that hung over the room like a thick fog was pretty unbearable. Morgana was huddled in a corner on the sofa staring out of the patio door at the littered red party cups. Gwen was fussing around in the kitchen doing something with Lance by her side. Merlin had been placed down on a loveseat with another water bottle.

After chugging the water bottle given to him, Merlin wiped his lips with his arm. While he knew he wasn’t necessarily muscular, Merlin felt like lifting his arm was nearly impossible—like there were invisible weights stacked up on it. Feeling a slight urge to use the bathroom, Merlin looked around to see if it was obvious where the restroom was. When Gwen popped her head out of the kitchen to bring Morgana some headache pills, Merlin made eye contact with her.

“Um…bathroom.” Merlin requested. Gwen quickly pointed to a nearby door and then recoiled her finger.

“Actually, you may need to use the one upstairs. I’m pretty sure someone yakked in that one…” Gwen had a look of disgust on her face. “Would you like me to get Lance?”

“Naw…I’ll be okay.” Merlin assured Gwen as he shakily stood up. Gwen’s eyes were on him the whole time as he slowly held onto the stair railing for dear life. He definitely felt like shaking and maybe he should have reconsidered asking Lance for help—but Merlin did fortunately notice that _some_ of his muscle tone was starting to return. Even if it was just barely—he could at least hold onto something for support instead of needing to be carried by everyone.

As he finally reached the last step on the staircase, Merlin noticed that Gwen’s shadow disappeared back into the kitchen. He smelled some coffee brewing and smiled to himself. Gwen was easily the biggest-hearted person he knew. Despite her misgivings about Morgana and Arthur—she was ready to put that aside to make sure everyone was okay. It was pretty admirable.

As Merlin looked around, he saw a few doors. He figured one was Gwaine’s room and the other was Gwaine’s unknown roommate’s room. One of them had to be the bathroom, right? Merlin took a guess and stumbled toward the middle door. As he reached for the doorknob, he heard some loud sounds from the adjacent room.

 _So that’s where Arthur went…_ Merlin thought to himself. He twisted the doorknob only to pause when a loud echo reverberated through the adjacent room:

“Yes, I want to know who he is. I know you’ve done work for my father, Uther Pendragon.” Arthur commanded in a very professional manner. Merlin could have sworn that the blond was leading a corporate meeting from the tone of his voice. “I only know his first name. It’s Lance. He’s about my height—maybe an inch or two taller. He recently started working at the Camelot Coffeehouse.”

Merlin froze, his urge to use the bathroom suddenly quelled. Why was Arthur looking into Lance? Then again, Merlin realized that Arthur’s hostility toward Lance only seemed to be about Gwen. But…Arthur had signed the affidavit condemning Lance. Surely he had to know who Lance was, right? Merlin figured there couldn’t be that many Lance’s in Camelot.

Taking a calculated risk, Merlin held onto the doorknob for more support as he tried to listen more intently to Arthur’s conversation. He was somewhat grateful at this moment for his slightly-larger-than normal ear size.

“Yes, I understand it may be hard to find any information without his surname.” Arthur sighed. “I can try and figure it out. But look through the Pendragon financial records. Was he a benefactor of one of my father’s projects? Why does he seem to know more about me than—” Merlin didn’t realize he was losing his footing when he suddenly stumbled away from the doorknob and landed near the stairwell bannister. While he didn’t crash onto the floor, per se, he was pretty mollified. It didn’t help that Arthur suddenly swung the door wide open and glared at Merlin.

“I’ll call you back, Jeffrey.” Arthur suddenly spoke as he tapped his phone screen and continued glowering at Merlin. “Merlin, were you eavesdropping on my _private_ conversation?”

“….I got lost.” Merlin figured it wasn’t a complete lie. He still did need to use the bathroom.

“You seem to have a penchant for stumbling upon people’s conversations.” Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose again and shook his head. If Arthur was a king, Merlin could imagine him saying something along the lines of ‘off with his head.’

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m actually glad though that you’re here alone.” Arthur extended out his hand to help Merlin regain his footing. “I want to ask you a question. Who is Lance?”

“Um…my coworker.” Merlin answered, his throat suddenly becoming dry again.

“Guinevere wouldn’t stoop low enough to find someone to make me jealous.” Arthur stepped away from Merlin as he scratched his chin pensively. “She’s too good for that kind of scheming.” Merlin glanced at the door that he hoped held a bathroom for him to use. As he tried to make his way toward it again, Arthur pivoted and turned to Merlin again.

“Ever since Lance got in the picture, Gwen has been acting weird around Morgana and I.” Arthur deduced. “Then Gwaine made the comment about my family’s wealth and Lance had a look on his face.”

“…Okay.” Merlin wasn’t sure how to reply to Arthur’s monologue.

“Hold on a moment.” Arthur stared at Merlin with an intense look that made Merlin’s weak knees a bit more shaky. “You made that insane accusation to me around that time, too. What did you say that night?” Merlin’s memory was fuzzy, admittedly, so he wasn’t actually sure what in the world Arthur was talking about. He just nodded along, hoping Arthur would let him use the bathroom soon.

“Something about…making people go to jail….” Arthur pursed his lips as he continued thinking hard. Merlin froze as that specific memory did return to Merlin:

_“You manhandled me at the store up the street!” Merlin had yelled back._

_“Ugh, this is useless. You’re clearly incompetent.” Arthur had pinched the bridge of his nose as he exhaled sharply (Merlin was starting to notice that he did that a lot)._

_“Yeah, well, at least I don’t make innocent people go to jail for something I did.” Merlin had spat angrily, not doing anything to hide the venom in his voice. Merlin remembered not expecting to see confusion to color Arthur’s features._

_“What the fuck?! You must be drunk again, Merlin, because I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” Arthur had hissed._

“You must know the answer that puts all these pieces of the puzzle together, Merlin.” Arthur suddenly pointed his finger toward Merlin. “Gwen’s behavior, your crazy conspiracy theories, and Lance’s appearance. They have to all be connected.”

“C…Can I use the bathroom? Please” Merlin pleaded. Arthur’s features softened for a bit as he pointed at the door in front of Merlin.

“Just…know that this conversation isn’t over, Merlin.” Arthur warned. Merlin simply looked away as he walked into the bathroom. For a place used by Gwaine, it was surprisingly clean. Merlin locked the door behind him and sighed as he glanced into the mirror. His pale skin was even more translucent. He reminded himself of those zombies.

Grabbing a tissue, Merlin wiped some dirt off of his face. He could hear that voice inside of his head pointing out how ugly he looked. His bulging eyes. His gigantic ears. His alien-like caricature. Closing his eyes, Merlin tried to drown out the voice. He opened his eyes back up to throw away the dirty tissue in the trash can. Looking around, Merlin found a receptacle near the commode. As he threw his tissue into the bin, something caught his attention: it was a box of razor blades used to refill shaving blades.

As the itch on his arm started to grow, Merlin started to panic. The temptation was there. It would solve all of his problems—he knew it would—it would make him strong and look handsome and brave. It would fix all the questions in his head. All he needed to do was just grab one of the blades and—

“Merlin! Gwaine’s here with the food. Do you need help or something?” Arthur’s voice bellowed from the other side of the door. Merlin nearly jumped before he calmed himself. He could do this: he could fight the urge.

“C-Coming…” Merlin whispered despite the fact that Arthur was probably already downstairs. He let out a well-needed sigh as he tried to remember the recent events but he was only met with blackness in his mind. Nothing was appearing. 

What in the world had just happened in the past few hours?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I survived my first full week of medical school. It was made up of 6 quizzes in 5 days (I hate math but I can leave for y'all to guess how much stress that was lol). Anywho I still got around to working on this chapter gradually. I sincerely hope that the quality or anything hasn't gone down but if you feel like it has--please please please feel free to give me some critiques and/or suggestion on how to improve it. I probably will agree with your assessment on improving the flow of the narrative so don't hold back.
> 
> Anyways, here's the next chapter! Trigger warnings: explicit mentions of alcohol use/drug use/self-harm. There are also implicit references to a near assault-like situation. I think those are the major ones, but I'll update if I feel like I missed a trigger warning.

“So, to recap, I think Camelot Chefs has the best doughnuts.” Gwaine spoke with his mouth full of the sweet dough. Merlin smiled a bit as strength started to refill him. In between that awkward altercation with Arthur (who now sat with a pouting face and two sausage egg and cheddar sandwiches) and now, Merlin had a chance to text Gaius that things were okay. He certainly didn’t want to startle the physician by saying that _he_ had been the one who was drugged. Still, Merlin felt a pit gnawing at his stomach as he glanced at the sullen Morgana. While everyone was relieved that Gwen and Lance had arrived when they did—Merlin could imagine that she was still shocked by that guy’s incident.

“Their food is quite good.” Lance nodded in agreement, finishing a sesame seed bagel. “Thank you, Gwaine, for this meal.”

“Morgana, are you doing okay?” Gwen had turned away from the conversation to glance at Morgana. While Merlin wasn’t entirely sure how Gwen felt about the Pendragons right now, Merlin respected her willingness to put that aside for the moment.

“Kara.” Morgana finally spoke, nearly making Merlin jump with the venom in her voice.

“Who?” The chorus of that syllable came from Lance, Arthur, and Gwaine as they stared at Morgana with confusion.

“Alvarr wanted to humiliate me.” Morgana spoke as if she was talking to herself, glancing back outside at the window. “Because of Kara.”

“Who’s Kara?!” Arthur asked. “Her name doesn’t sound familiar.”

“She…” Gwen pursed her lips, looking away from everyone to give Morgana an unreadable look. “Kara went to high school with us.”

“Okay, so did a few hundred people.” Arthur replied. Merlin made a note that the blond definitely sounded cranky without his coffee.

“I would make fun of her.” Morgana exhaled. “Harmless jokes—”

“I’m supposing she didn’t find them harmless.” Lance mumbled. That definitely only heightened the awkwardness in the room as Gwaine hummed slightly as if the sound of his voice would defuse the tension.

“That was _years_ ago.” Morgana glared at Lance who held up his hands.

“I apologize.” Lance stared directly back at Morgana. “I just am trying to understand the situation here.”

“Hold on for a moment.” Morgana’s fury was starting to reach a boiling point and Merlin could sense it. “Why do _you_ even care? Why are you even here—”

“Morgana—”

“I’m willing to bet that _you_ are the person who’s been poisoning Gwen against Arthur and I.” Morgana’s nostrils were flaring and she reminded Merlin of an evil dark witch plotting to take down a kingdom. “Why are you still here?! Arthur, Gwaine—why is he still here?!”

“Morgana.” Gwaine yawned as if Morgana wasn’t about to rip someone’s head off of their shoulders. “Lance helped you and Lance helped Merlin. He’s cool.”

“But I will confess.” Lance uneasily glanced toward Merlin and Gwen. “Your accusation is not untrue, Morgana.”

“I knew it!” Arthur nearly jumped to his feet as his eyes widened. “You have been shit-talking us to Gwen! Guinevere, how could you even believe him?!”

“Gwen.” Lance did his best to keep his composure as he looked down at his hands. “Gwen is nothing short of warm and forgiving. Perhaps she could no longer bear holding the weight of your family’s crimes.”

“Crimes?!” Arthur laughed mockingly. “What is this? Some type of movie? Do you really think my family is some type of mobster family?”

“Yes.” Lance unequivocally replied, not backing down from Arthur’s glower. “Your family has…ruined my family.”

The truth was starting to come out and Merlin was unsure how he felt: on one hand, it was going to be interesting to see how all of this unfolded. But on the other hand, this was a lot of emotional energy. If not for him—it might be too much for Morgana.

“M-Maybe…later.” Merlin whispered in Lance’s direction.

“No, Merlin, let him speak.” Morgana’s icy somberness had melted into a fiery garland as she glared at Lance with nothing short of contempt. “I have a growing suspicion that you might have been involved in the orchestrations of last night.”

“That is not true!” Gwen exclaimed. “He wanted to help you both despite everything!”

“What is _everything_?!” Arthur yelled.

“I’m so glad my roommate is missing in action…” Gwaine mumbled. “Look, folks, I’m not opposed to hearing this but if we’re going to move forward I think we should act like adults. And that’s a load coming from me, alright?”

“Gwaine, you don’t understand—”

“Oh, I understand enough, Morgana.” Gwaine winked. “All I’m saying is that if you two want Lance to speak, I don’t want to deal with more shouting or screaming or yelling. My hangover is killing me as it is and the last thing, I need is an aneurysm.”

“Gareth.” Lance uttered the one word that immediately silenced both headstrong Pendragon siblings. The implications of his words hung over the room like a shroud, even though Merlin surmised that perhaps Gwaine wasn’t as looped into the situation as the rest of them. Then again, Merlin was still new to this whole framework.

“Oh.” Arthur finally replied, his eyes wide and glittering. “Are you one of _those_ people who protested against my father and accused him of inane things like bribing a judge? What about yourself? Aren’t you bribing Gwen with something to believe you?”

“So you have been actively plotting against us.” Morgana sniffed. “And you’ve convinced Gwen to see us as evil.”

“Stop it!” Gwen stood up, tears visible around the corner of her eyes. “Lance is _not_ bribing me to do anything. Maybe if you two could just listen to him without speaking over him—you would _finally_ understand why I no longer want to associate with you or your family.”

Merlin winced as those words stung. He imagined that if even he could feel the harshness in Gwen’s words then Arthur and Morgana were feeling it much worse. Gwaine let out a soft whistle as well, making brief eye contact with Merlin as if to ascertain how uncomfortable both men were in this situation.

“Guinevere…”

“Gwen!”

“Stop it!” Gwen exclaimed. “Please. If you two have had any respect for our friendship, then please hear Lance out. And please stop treating me like a doll that just goes along with whoever is holding my hand. I can have my own thoughts and opinions—I’m not just blindly drawn to whatever libel I hear about you two.” Gwen’s soft voice was shaking, and Merlin wasn’t sure if she was going to cry or scream. Maybe she could do both?

“Guinevere.” Arthur spoke before Morgana could. “I am sincerely sorry if you have ever felt like I didn’t value your brilliant mind. I know that my previous actions might have suggested otherwise so I suppose it’s not your fault for thinking I could objectify you that way.” Merlin assumed he wasn’t the only one in the room shocked by Arthur’s words. Merlin wasn’t sure how the blond did it. In some moments, he appeared like a petulant prince living off of his father’s opulent wealth. Yet in a flash, he could transform into a wise king who has overcome tribulations.

“Thank you, Arthur.” Gwen sniffed as she sat back down near Lance. “I appreciate what you just said.”

“Gwen.” Morgana made a motion to reach out to the other girl before retracting her hand. “I didn’t mean to imply…I just thought…Nothing made sense.” Morgana trailed off before she was drawn back into looking out of the window. Her eyes were glittering which only intensified the emotions around the room.

“Lance.” Gwaine suddenly interjected. “Look man, I like you. But I can distract myself and find something to do. This seems to be between you, Gwen, Morgana, and Arthur. I’m sure Merlin and I can—”

“No, no.” Lance shook his head. “I definitely want Merlin here. He’s been a pillar by my side. Without him or Gwen, I would still be living on the streets.”

“You’re homeless?!” Arthur asked. “But you look…”

“So well?” Lance’s face was unreadable. “Again, if you had seen me before I met Merlin and Gwen—then perhaps your words would be different.”

“Mate, I had no idea…” Gwaine whispered. Morgana seemed sympathetic despite not saying any words.

“Hold on.” Arthur spoke up again. “I’m not understanding. You’re homeless—or you were previously homeless. But you hate Morgana and I because of _that_ summer. Is this just one of those resentment things because you hate our family for being wealthy?” Gosh, Merlin wanted to scream at Arthur for being so daft. On the other hand—Merlin did have to respect that Arthur was clearly trying to connect the dots (despite failing to do so).

“No. Well, not exactly.” Lance spoke again. “I am homeless because of you, Arthur Pendragon.”

There it was. The truth, rearing its ugly face. Despite being wanted by so many—no one seemed to appreciate the blemishes, dark crevices, and crooked lines of the truth. It was as if everyone hoped that it would appear perfectly manicured and fit to their specific narrative.

“How?! Where is this insane accusation even coming from?!” Arthur nearly exploded. “I’m sick and tired of being blamed for things that I have no control over!”

“Princess, calm down.” Gwaine furrowed his brow. “I think we should let Lance explain. We owe it to him, especially for helping Merlin and Morgana. And for being ready to help you despite this….provocative accusation.” Merlin wasn’t sure how Gwaine was internalizing this information—was he believing such slander against his close friend? Or was he siding with the truth that perhaps there was more to the Pendragon family than he realized?

“What could Arthur have done that could have led to whatever eviction or foreclosure that you experienced?” Morgana asked, her voice wavering between apathy and confusion.

“You signed the affidavit that I—not you—was intoxicated and driving the vehicle that night. You signed the statement that I had attended that party and led to the tragedies that occurred.” Lance explained as calmly as he could. Merlin could hear the hitches in his voice—it was as if there something strangling him.

“Lance.” Arthur raised his voice until Gwen and Gwaine stared him down. “Lance. Look, I might be hungover. I might not have the best grades in my college. And sure, some people say I can be a prat. But I have lived with the fucking guilt and remorse of that night every day since it happened. I know it was my mistake. It was my fault. I would _never_ let someone else take that burden. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone—not even my worst enemy.” Merlin saw that weird evolution again—where Arthur transformed from a lofty blond to a wise king. The steadfast determination in Arthur’s voice was so convincing. Was he telling the truth? But Lance couldn’t have been lying. His situation was evidence enough of what had happened.

“My cousin was accused of trying to hide my involvement in the incident. He lost his job. We lost our home.” Lance uttered dryly. “I was told that you submitted a statement testifying that I was the one who drove the car. That’s what seemed to convince the judge.”

“I…” Arthur paused as if trying to pick the right set of words. “Look, I know you have no real reason to believe me—but you have to believe me. Guinevere—” Arthur turned his gaze away from Lance to show his pleading eyes toward Gwen.

“Arthur…I….” Gwen looked away. “I don’t know.”

“You truly think I could be capable of something so heartless?” Arthur recoiled a bit, the hurt evident in his voice.

“I don’t think that’s fair, Princess.” Gwaine spoke up. “What’s that saying? Right. Gwen looks like she’s between a rock and a hard place.”

“She…didn’t believe it at first.” Merlin finally spoke up, blushing slightly as multiple pairs of eyes stared at him. “I…didn’t either.”

“So I’m truly just that incorrigible that—”

“What would Lance have to gain from lying about this, Arthur?” Gwen pleaded. “I truly didn’t know what to think. On one hand, Lance is one of the most honest people I’ve met. But I’ve always known you for nearly my whole life.”

“Fuck!” Arthur swore, running a hand through his hair frantically. “Fuck!” His swearing didn’t really seem to make sense, but it did make Merlin feel sad for Arthur.

“Arthur—” Gwaine lowered his voice and reached out to clasp Arthur’s shoulder. “I think this is a shitty situation to be in. For all parties involved. Lance because his life got fucked up. Merlin and Gwen for having to pick between you or Lance. I’m not tryna sound like an asshole here, but it’s not entirely about you or your—what was that word you used—pratness.” Merlin would concede that when the moment called for it—Gwaine could actually buckle down and be serious. His words seemed to have an effect on Arthur who simply exhaled as if he was trying to breathe out his frustrations.

“You’re right. I apologize.” Arthur mumbled. “I suppose I’m answering my own question here about whether or not I deserve to be considered that way.”

“I can’t believe I’m defending you,” Merlin tried to raise his voice to grab everyone’s attention, “but you have had a rough past few hours.” Finally complete sentences were becoming easier to speak. Arthur seemed stunned: whether it was from the growing recovery of Merlin’s voice or the empathy displayed from the black-haired male—Merlin wasn’t sure.

“That is true.” Lance finally spoke up again. “Truth be told, I do not think your previous indiscretions would warrant the type of…actions taken against you last night. Or Morgana, as well.” Lance made a furtive nod toward the silent girl. Merlin wasn’t sure if she was still listening to the conversation or not: she seemed completely stoic.

“So…where do we go from here?” Gwen asked, glancing around the room nervously. “Arthur—you say that you didn’t submit that statement. Lance, is there any way that could be possible?”

“Father forged it.” Morgana mumbled. Merlin’s head whipped in her direction again as he was surprised by her voice. “That’s the only explanation, obviously.”

“Hold on, Morgana is right.” Arthur lifted a finger as if a point was coming to his mind. “If my father did truly forge this statement from me about that night—then couldn’t that potentially reverse the case?”

“Um, I’m not sure.” Lance confessed. “I’m not too well-versed in legal stuff.”

“Arthur.” Gwaine used Arthur’s name again. “You understand the implications of doing what you’re suggesting here, right? Going toe-to-toe with your father?”

“Mr. Pendragon can’t be that bad…right?” Merlin asked. The looks on everyone’s face answered that question from him. In fact, if looks could speak, Merlin would be told to never get close to Uther Pendragon. It was like a chained dragon waiting to be unleashed.

“I think hiring a handwriting analyst could easily reverse whatever statement or affidavit my father submitted.” Arthur blatantly ignored Merlin’s question, although Merlin figured that it was likely because the answer would be too terrifying for Arthur to address: going against Uther Pendragon did seem to warrant such a dramatic response.

“Not that I…do not appreciate your fervor for my situation, Arthur, but it seemed that earlier you were more consumed with exacting justice against Valiant for what he did to Merlin.” Lance nodded, perhaps uncomfortable with the attention on his situation.

“Oh, Valiant’s going to have it coming.” Arthur scoffed before turning to look in Morgana’s direction. “So will Alvarr. I’m growing sick and tired of these scum thinking that they can hurt people—people who matter to me and my friends—and think that they can get away with it.” Merlin looked away at the implication of Arthur’s words, wondering if he was reading too much into them: was Arthur actually saying that Merlin was (in a weird way) a friend of his?

“Finding a forged affidavit, pulverizing Valiant and Alvarr, and seeking justice for Morgana, Merlin, and Lance.” Gwaine chuckled. “Sounds like my type of fun.”

“Before all of that, I do think it’s important that I address something.” Arthur sighed. He then looked directly in Merlin’s direction. “Merlin, I want to thank you. You saved me from whatever Valiant was planning. I can’t stand by and watch him get away with doing this to you.” Merlin blushed, unsure of what to say. It was surreal: sometimes Arthur was just insufferable but then there would be these moments that nearly made Merlin’s heart jump out of his chest. The sincerity in Arthur’s bright eyes were intoxicating to the point where Merlin wanted to just—

“Thank you, Arthur.” Merlin mumbled before he let his thoughts continue in _that_ direction.

“And Guinevere, I also owe you an apology.” Arthur shifted his body. “I owe you an apology for being self-centered. I owe you an apology for the way I treated you…throughout everything. I owe you an apology for so much and I—”

“Arthur!” Gwen sniffed. “I forgive you. If what you’re saying is true—and you didn’t do this to Lance—then I can’t stay angry at you. Even throughout everything else, I…do not regret it.” Merlin realized the subtext of what Gwen and Arthur were referring to: their on-and-off hook-ups and what not.

“Thank you. And Lance, if there’s anyone who deserves my—”

“Arthur, I—”

“Lance. I am truly sorry for what happened to you.” Arthur’s voice started to crack. “I’ve made so many mistakes in my life—like that night—but I cannot let my mistakes continue to hurt other people. I promise to make this right. I swear on everything—I will make this situation right.”

Merlin’s throat felt dry although he imagined that Lance probably felt an even more intensified reaction. Arthur looked like he was about to cry and Merlin knew that this wasn’t the prat Arthur that accosted him or yelled at him. This was Arthur’s core—the reckless but sincere guy who just wanted to earn respect from the people that mattered.

“I forgive you, Arthur.” Lance murmured. There was a brief pause before the two men got up from their seats and hugged each other. Gwaine clapped ceremoniously and stood up as well.

“I know we all just ate—but I think this calls for some type of celebration. Pizza, anyone?”

* * *

By the time Merlin returned home and to Gaius that everything turned out mostly alright, night was starting to befall the town. Merlin sighed after his shower as he hobbled to his room. The urge to unsheathe his magic sword lingered but he could still hear Arthur’s apology. That had to have taken guts and courage—and if Arthur could do that—then Merlin could resist the urge to hurt himself, right?

As if his wish for a distraction was heard, Merlin nearly jumped when his phone started to ring. It was an unknown number that he didn’t recognize. Hesitating, Merlin decided to see who was on the other side of the call:

“Hello?” Merlin cautiously answered.

“Merlin, hey, it’s Arthur.” Arthur’s familiar voice sent a wave of relief through Merlin’s body. “Uh, I got your number from Gwaine, in case you’re wondering.”

“Oh yes,” Merlin chuckled as he hopped onto his bed, “because I do ask myself if Arthur Pendragon is capable of tracking me down with his mafia-like connections.”

“Your _hilarious_ banter aside, Merlin, I actually did call for another reason.” Merlin could imagine Arthur rolling his eyes on the other side of the call. “I had a question for you.”

“No, I’m not joining your fan-club, Arthur.” Merlin found himself answering as if a spirit had overtaken his body. He wasn’t sure where this reckless energy was coming from, but it seemed to be spurting out on its own. “Look, I think your head is big enough as it is—”

“How are you _so_ annoying?” Arthur chuckled. “I actually have a serious question and you’re over here making the lamest jokes.”

“Fine, I’ll bite.” Merlin dramatically gasped. “What question could you possibly have for a plebian like me?”

There was a pause on the other side of the line and Merlin wondered if the call had dropped. Sometimes his room did have weird reception. But then he heard a nearly strangled voice on the other side.

“W-Why did you…why did you take the drink for me?” Arthur mumbled. “I…you looked like shit, Merlin, when we found you. I legit thought you might have died. And you’re not stupid. You studied biology or something in college, like Morgana. If you knew what Valiant was planning then you knew the risk. And yet you still…risked your health for me. Despite everything. Why?”

Merlin was stunned. He wasn’t expecting _that_ question from Arthur.

“I…Arthur…”

“Merlin, you and I have almost never gotten along.” Arthur continued. “We’ve snapped at each other in the short time we’ve known each other. And yet you did something that I don’t even know if some of my lifelong…friends would have done for me.”

“Arthur…I…”

“I mean, I threw my drink at you. I shoved you at the pharmacy. I made fun of you. I called you some pretty fucked up things. I—”

“Arthur, I’m actually trying to answer your question here.” Merlin calmly replied. “You’re not wrong. I can’t say that you’re my favorite person around here, especially after…the things we’ve said to each other. But there’s…I…” Merlin paused. He couldn’t even find the right words to express himself.

“I…the night that you basically threw me down at the pharmacy.” Merlin sighed as he realized that he probably needed to explain some of his reasoning here. “I saw a prescription that you had. It was for an anti-depressant. Duloxetine, or something like that.”

There was silence on the other line although Merlin figured this time that Arthur was trying to find the right words for a response. Taking his silence as permission to continue, Merlin started speaking again.

“I spoke with Gaius, who’s a doctor, and I realized that the combination of alcohol, the anti-depressant, and the drug Valiant was going to use to hurt you—it could possibly lead to an overdose—”

“Like…what you experienced, right?” Arthur spoke quietly as if trying to avoid the accusation in his voice. “You also had a pretty strong reaction. That means that you…”

“Um…yes,” Merlin sighed, “I also take anti-depressants.” Merlin wasn’t sure how to continue the conversation as it was reaching a point of awkwardness. Was he really about to explain to Arthur about how he took pills to help keep himself afloat while his intense emotions threatened to drown him?

“So you _literally_ took the same risk that you were trying to prevent me from taking.” Arthur exhaled sharply as if he had punched another tree. “Fuck, Merlin, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me?! You’re the one who punched a tree before!” Merlin retorted.

“You literally could have died, too! What if someone hadn’t found you? What if you didn’t have a fucking needle in your backpack?”

“It’s not a backpack, it’s a drawstring bag!”

“Merlin, that’s not the point!”

“Arthur, why does it matter?!” Merlin closed his eyes and let out a deep breath to reorient himself. “Why are you so pressed about this?”

“I already told you, Merlin—I’m confused.” Arthur confessed. “I don’t understand you. Nearly everyone else in my life fits into categories. And yet you’re…you piss me off so much. But then you also…I don’t fucking understand it.”

“Arthur,” Merlin chuckled, “I don’t get it either. I’ll be honest. I don’t know why I…”

“Feel this like…draw? Not in like a weird way, but like…I hated you. Like legit, Merlin. But here we are—me calling to thank you for nearly saving my life.” Arthur commented. “This is a pretty fucking weird situation.”

“It is, Arthur.” Merlin had to laugh. “It’s pretty fucking weird.”

“Look, I won’t make you stay up because I’m sure you work sometime soon. But…thank you again, Merlin. I mean it.” Arthur’s voice dropped a bit. “Thank you for…thank you for being a friend when I didn’t even realize it.”

With those last words, the call ended and Merlin was left with a smile on his face. There was something infectious about Arthur’s words and suddenly the idea of the broad-shouldered blonde was stuck on Merlin’s mind. With that brightness in his head, Merlin’s magic sword and its temptation were non-existent for that night.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: homophobic language, implicit/explicit mentions of suicide, implicit/explicit mentions of sexual assault, and mentions of alcohol abuse/drug abuse
> 
> I also wanted to apologize for the immense delay in updating the story! I have a system where I write a little bit each day. Unfortunately, medical school is pretty demanding: we have exams approximately every ~2 weeks. I'm still going to try to keep to a mostly-weekly schedule but please don't get too upset if I am late! 
> 
> On a positive note: I'm actually doing pretty well in medical school! I've scored above average on my first two exams which is pretty...awesome haha. So thank you for everyone who's been patient & understanding and I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

“Merlin, you seem to be in a better mood than usual.” Helen chirped during the group therapy session. Merlin supposed it was a truthful comment: he did feel better than he had in a while. For the first time in his life, he felt like he had actual friends: Gwen and Lance were so supportive. Gwaine was so funny. And while Merlin wasn’t sure exactly where he stood with Morgana or Arthur—he started to notice that they would go out of their way to say hello to him whenever they were picking up their drinks at the coffeehouse. Not only that—but Merlin felt like he was part of something bigger than himself. The inside joke of being “Arthur’s savior” being spread at work was pretty comforting. Even more exciting for Merlin was the fact that all six of them were going to meet at The Dragon later that night to talk and check-in. They had agreed to keep what had happened at the party as a secret—at least for now. Being around other people—despite the clashes in personalities or judgments—felt like a breath of fresh air for Merlin. It was like he wasn’t constantly trapped in the prison that his thoughts created.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Merlin confessed, trying to fight the urge to smile. “I’ve, um, made some new friends. And they’re pretty cool. Well most of them. One of them is still kinda an asshole at times but he’s growing on me.”

“That’s wonderful, Merlin!” Helen smiled sincerely. “You’re making great progress here. Maybe, if you feel comfortable, you could share with the group where you felt like you started when you first enrolled in this group. Only if you feel comfortable, of course. I think the group and I recognize that you are a pretty private person.”

“Um…” Merlin thought for a moment. “Sure, I could talk about it some more.” His hands got a bit sweaty at the thought of bringing up some of the more difficult memories he had tried to bury in the past few months. But maybe Helen was right: maybe he was growing and maybe he could finally give voice to those thoughts.

“Um, long story short, I tried to kill myself.” Merlin’s voice trailed off as he finished his sentence. There wasn’t too much surprise among the crowd—after all, they were all in this therapy session together for one reason or another. “I got very drunk by myself and, um, came up with ideas of chemicals that wouldn’t mix well with my alcohol.”

“That must have been a frightening time, Merlin.” Helen spoke slowly. “What was going on around that time?”

“Um, it’s pretty dumb in retrospect, I guess.” Merlin licked his lips. “I was getting rejected from medical schools. My dad just died. And um, I was just struggling with some intense anxiety and stuff.”

“That’s not dumb at all! I feel that way, too!” One of the group members chimed in. “I lost my mom to cancer and it made me relapse. I can’t imagine getting rejections and dealing with that death and fighting off your mental demons.”

“Oh, um, thanks.” Merlin blushed.

“Didn’t Helen say that cheesy quote the other day?” A younger group member spoke up. “It’s not about how much water you’re drowning in—like five feet or twenty feet. It’s more about the fact that you’re fucking drowning—oh sorry for cursing again!”

“No worries. I’ll keep it a secret this time.” Helen winked at the group member. “But you’re right. Trauma affects us all differently. We now know through years of research that traumatic experiences can have lasting effects on the brain's different regions. These regions are connected to emotions, moods, anxiety, and how you relate to others. However, many have found that therapy, positive relationships and other self-care tools can help your brain heal. Thus, by you all being here so far, you’re already taking brave strides in helping yourself heal.” Those words stirred a glow in Merlin’s body: he usually hated being here, but he never thought about it in that way—perhaps therapy could help restructure the brain and help him feel better. Not that he looked down upon therapy—well, maybe a small part of him did. He liked knowing biology and biochemistry and therapy—as far as he knew—wasn’t too synonymous with that.

“Are you still applying to be a doctor, kid? You’re smart.” An older group member suddenly spoke up. Merlin pondered the question. He still had his old application materials from last year. He hadn’t considered applying again in the cycle…was it too late?

“I truthfully, um, never considered it this year.” Merlin confessed. “But now that you mention it—”

“You should do it!” The younger kid from earlier screamed. “You can replace Helen when she gets old!”

“That won’t be for a _very_ long time.” Helen mockingly lowered her voice before giggling. “I suppose it’s a fair question to consider, Merlin. Could you see yourself putting through another set of applications for medical school?”

“Well, I would probably have to retake the MCAT.” Merlin explained. “It’s this medical admissions test, basically. Um, it encompasses like biochemistry, physics, chemistry, biology, psychology, sociology and critical reading stuff.”

“I’m so glad I dropped out of school at my age.” Another group member chuckled.

“I suppose if I did show enough improvement there, I could have a rationale for submitting through another application.” Merlin thought aloud. “I might have to spend some time volunteering in a clinical environment.”

“Oh, that’s easy.” Helen waved her hand. “You’re here, aren’t you? You’re participating in this dual-diagnosis behavioral therapy.”

“Well, I’m not sure if medical schools want to hear about my, you know, attempt.”

“That’s fair.” Helen thought for a moment. “You could say that you spent time in the intensive outpatient program at our hospital. After all, I’ll probably be the one that’s signing off that reference if they even call. Don’t they have like a million applicants each year?”

“Huh, yeah, I think so.” Merlin trailed off into thought. He had noticed some improvements, for sure, in his life. He had friends—he was resisting the urge to use his magic sword—and he was overall feeling a bit better. Could he be ready for that application cycle?

 _Morgana is in medical school right now_. Merlin reminded himself—and with that reminder came another happy reminder that he would be seeing his growing group of friends later today.

As Helen started to focus on another group member, Merlin found his head swirling with thoughts of an acceptance letter to medical school along with people—no, _friends_ cheering him on. That thought made him smile.

* * *

“Hey, do you have Morgana’s number?” Merlin asked as he picked up his beverage at the hand-off bar. Gwaine was making drinks and, as per underground tradition, made sure that Merlin didn’t have to pay for his drink. It was a nice secret perk of working at the store.

“Wow, going after Morgana, are we? How brave of you, Merlin. I must say—didn’t expect that from ya.” Gwaine winked. Merlin scoffed playfully as he took a sip of his passion tea lemonade. Gwaine definitely had a way of balancing the portions perfectly.

“I actually wanted to ask if she would help me with my applications for medical school.” Merlin admitted, surprised that he was saying this out loud. Gwaine gave an affirmative grunt before pausing in his beverage sequencing.

“Hold on—are you already going to leave us, Merlin?” Gwaine gasped. “My heart couldn’t bear to lose you!”

“How funny, Gwaine.” Merlin blushed a bit at the theatrics from the other man. “We don’t even know if I’ll get an interview. Maybe once I get an interview somewhere, we can talk about that.”

“Well, I think you’ll be an excellent physician, Merlin.” Gwaine nodded as he handed out another drink for another customer. “But yes, I will give you Morgana’s number. She seems to be doing better, don’t cha think?”

“I agree.” Merlin nodded, thinking back to the few times that he’s seen her. She still seemed more quiet than usual, but her smile was starting to return. Still, there was always this glint in her eyes that Merlin couldn’t identify. It would appear more glowingly whenever Uther Pendragon, Valiant, or Alvarr were mentioned. It almost seemed as if Morgana _thrived_ on discussions of revenge and sabotage.

“That was a crazy night.” Gwaine shook his head after starting the blender for a frappucino. “I’m almost afraid to throw another party. Who knows what’ll happen?”

“Well, I’m glad everyone turned out okay.” Merlin shrugged. “You were exceptionally kind to all of us. I was really glad that you were there.”

“Hey, I live for knowing all of the tea.” Gwaine joked again. “Speaking of tea—have you seen the way Lance has been fawning over Gwen lately?”

“I think I would have to be blind not to notice _that_ , Gwaine.” Merlin grinned. “It’s kinda cute. They really seem to like each other.”

“I wonder, Merlin, is there anyone _you_ like?” Gwaine proclaimed, prompting Merlin to immediately blush.

“U-Um, no.” Merlin quickly answered. He didn’t know why that question suddenly made him nervous and his heart fluttered a bit as if there was an inkling of an answer there buried underneath layers of denial. “What about you? Gwen and Elyan were telling me that you’re quite the Casanova.”

“Hm, I’m not sure.” Gwaine shrugged after the rush of drinks paused. He started using a sanitized rag to wipe around the area. Despite his seemingly lazy nature, Merlin noticed that Gwaine was adept at putting in a lot of work—whether it was cleaning, preparing beverages, or just being a solid friend. “I mean, are you single?”

Merlin blushed intensely again, stuttering to find the right words to reply. Gwaine had to be joking, right?!

“I’m just kidding, Merlin!” Gwaine chuckled. “You know, you’re usually uptight and skittish—but you’ve kinda mellowed out a bit. Have you been spiking your frappucinos? I saw an article about that the other day.”

“Uh, I don’t know if alcohol’s the best thing for me right now.” Merlin half-teased, impressed with his ability to make Gwaine pause. Gwaine quickly apologized although Merlin shrugged it off: he knew Gwaine wasn’t trying to insult him.

“Speaking of liquor, you’re still coming to the dragon tonight, right?” Gwaine peeled off a sticker from the printer as another mobile order for a beverage came through the system. “Gwen was telling me to try the tots this time.”

“The tots are great!” Merlin grinned. “Yeah, I’m gonna show up. It’s kinda surreal to be planning…revenge, right? Like I didn’t think I would actually be thinking of a way to get back at someone.”

“Ah, I forgot you’re new to the Pendragon circle.” Gwaine chuckled. “Morgana and Arthur are super into that stuff. Arthur always talks about justice, even though he can be a hypocrite at times.”

“Right, I could tell you all about that.” Merlin scoffed, although he didn’t really add malice to his breath there.

“If it were me, I would just punch Alvarr and Valiant in their face until they apologized. Or pissed their pants. Or both.” Gwaine continued as he shook together an iced tea.

“What about Mr. Pendragon?” Merlin asked. “Do you think it’s actually going to be possible to help Lance?”

“That’s a good question, Merlin.” Gwaine replied. “I’ve heard a lot of things about Uther Pendragon. In the few times I’ve met him—he didn’t really like me. Not that I care. But then again, if there’s anyone who could go toe-to-toe with the craziness that Uther Pendragon exudes—it would be his kids, no?”

“So you’re admitting that Arthur is a bit crazy then.” Merlin joked. Gwaine made a motion to reply before grinning widely. Merlin, confused, didn’t realize why Gwaine stopped talking until a voice behind him nearly made him jump.

“Oh, so now I’m crazy.” Arthur’s voice appeared as the broad-shouldered blond walked closer to the hand-off counter. “You’re such a supportive friend, Merlin.”

“We’re friends?!” Merlin gasped dramatically. “Why, milord, how could you ever be friends with a plebian like me?” Gwaine let out a loud note of laughter at Merlin’s retort, earning some attention from sedentary customers.

“Oh god, Merlin, you’re so annoying.” Arthur twisted his lips into a smile. “Although if you’re a peasant, maybe I should make you my servant. That way I can make sure you don’t do stupid things.”

“That kinda sounds kinky—Arthur being a prince and Merlin being the prince’s servant.” Gwaine winked. Merlin felt his face flush again. Arthur started sputtering beside Merlin, trying to locate the right words—or perhaps finding the right words for lambasting Gwaine.

“Maybe I should just tell Mithian that you have crabs.” Arthur finally replied, shaking his head. “I swear, Gwaine, your mind is so fucking weird.”

“Some people like seafood.” Gwaine winked again before erupting into laughter with Arthur and Merlin. Gwaine’s nonsensical comments—and his delivery—were somehow so successful in lifting Merlin’s mood. There was this flair that Gwaine carried with him—it was like strength: Gwaine didn’t seem to care about what others thought. He spoke what was on his mind. It impressed Merlin that he could just be so carefree while simultaneously buckling down when he needed to be serious. It reminded Merlin of what Helen once talked about: things often weren’t black-and-white. Gwaine could easily be categorized into the charlatan but Merlin was starting to realize that he—along with Gwen, Lance, Arthur, and Morgana—were more intricate than they appeared. Gwen was caring, but she was also fierce and loyal. Lance was noble, but he was capable of being selfish. Morgana could be charismatic and make someone feel special—but she also had the ability to tear someone down, from what Merlin heard. And then there was Arthur: he was probably the most perplexing of the group. He could be an outright asshole at times—but then he could also be caring, sincere, and brave.

Merlin started to wonder: what if he was more than the neurotic, closeted, dysfunctional mess that he thought he was? Maybe there was more to him—like how there was more to everyone else around him.

“Hey, I gotta go finish a project, but I’ll definitely be at the dragon tonight.” Arthur finally caught his breath after laughing. “But I hope to see you both there.”

“Truth be told, I’m only going because Gwen told me that the tots are better than sex. Okay, she didn’t actually say that but I’m hoping it’s true.” Gwaine handed Arthur a latte that he had been making in between his comments. Merlin hadn’t even noticed Gwaine’s swiftness in preparing the beverage.

“Oh, Gwaine!” Arthur’s face reddened. “I could pay for that, you know.”

“Okay, Princess, no need to flaunt your platinum credit card.” Gwaine shook his head. “I even put in an extra espresso shot so you can finish your project and be on time. I’m not letting you have a single tot though.”

“Oh, then it’s a challenge.” Arthur grinned. “I don’t pick battles that I can’t win.”

“Do you tell that to everyone you meet? Cause if so, I don’t know how your head fits through the door.” Merlin mumbled as he took the last few sips of his iced tea.

“Wow, Merlin’s got quite a mouth on him.” Gwaine chuckled.

“I can’t believe you sass me so much.” Arthur shook his head. “You know I thought you were a meek and quiet person. Gosh, you roast me more than Morgana does sometimes.”

“Huh, I wonder what would happen if Morgana and I collaborated.” Merlin mockingly pretended to tap his chin as if in thought. Arthur groaned dramatically.

“I would have to move far away.” Arthur scoffed. “Anyways, I’ll see you gents later tonight.” Merlin and Gwaine waved goodbye to Arthur as he left the store. Merlin shortly decided to leave—after all, Nimueh was giving him _that_ look for distracting Gwaine.

* * *

_“I-I’m…I’m so alone.” A voice sobbed onto the phone by the speaker’s cheek. “No one cares about me. I just…all I want are friends. Or even just one friend.”_

_“That must be so hard to combat that loneliness.” A calming voice on the other line replied. “How long have you felt this way?"_

_“Forever. Even growing up, I didn’t really feel like I had true friends.” The voice sobbed, using a sleeve to wipe away its tears and snot. “There was Edwin, but he was…he’s not a friend. He used me. And then we embarrassed that girl…”_

_“It sounds like you’ve had some not-so-great people in your life.” The voice on the other side of the phone replied. “You mentioned that you embarrassed that girl—could you tell me more about what you’re talking about?”_

_“We…we played a prank on her. Made her cry.” The voice hiccupped. “It was awful. I felt bad. But I did what I always did and listened to Edwin. Even when he…”_

_“I’m sensing that Edwin’s taken advantage of you in several ways. Am I hearing you right?”_

_“Yeah…” The voice sniffed._

_“Before we delve further, I was hoping you could tell me your name. It sometimes makes it easier to talk about what’s going on.”_

_“I’m Merlin.” Merlin chuckled through his tears. “Like the wizard.”_

_“That’s a cool name, Merlin.” The other voice commented. “You were talking about that person earlier—Edwin, I believe. It sounds like they hurt you in a lot of ways.”_

_“Yeah…” Merlin paused. “I’m, um, I’m not gay. But…um…when we were younger…he…”_

_“If you don’t feel like you can say the words, that’s okay. I want to make sure you’re comfortable.”_

_"_ _No, I should be able to say it.” Merlin croaked. “He…he would force us to play these games. And I didn’t want to play. But he was older.”_

_“Those games don’t sound fun at all. They sound like they left some emotional scars on you.”_

_“Yeah…I hate being touched.” Merlin confessed. “People think I’m weird. It’s probably why I have no friends or anything. And then—I just—earlier today, I got another rejection email. I guess I’m not even good enough to be a doctor.”_

_“You’re dealing with so much, Merlin. I can only imagine how hard it is to carry all of this on your shoulders.”_

_“I…I’m not good enough. My dad died, too. I just…I feel like I can’t handle anything else. It’s too much.”_

_“You’re right in saying that there’s a lot right now, Merlin. I’m really sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a parent can be really difficult.”_

_“Yeah, it’s just me and mom now…and I just…I’m such a failure. I’m the faggot son who can’t even get into medical school. I don’t even have friends. There’s no point.”_

_“When you say there’s no point, Merlin—are you currently thinking about killing yourself?”_

_There was a pause before Merlin finally replied._

_“Yes.”_

* * *

Merlin woke up with a sheet of sweat over his body. He hadn’t thought about _that_ night in a while. Well—it was always in the shadows of his mind, hiding away like a possum at night. But it had been a while since he had a dream so explicit of a reminder of what led up to his hospitalization. Shivering despite his racing heart, Merlin glanced at his phone. A small bit of relief spread across his mind as he realized that he had enough time to change out of his sticky clothes, shower, and still be on time for his meeting at The Dragon tonight.

After a refreshing shower, Merlin made sure that he had his keys, wallet, and phone on him before leaving the house. Since The Dragon was right across the street, Merlin guessed that he would probably be the first one there. As he made his way across the intersection, Merlin was surprised to see a text message from Morgana:

_Hey everyone! Arthur and I got a booth in the back. Just walk in and you’ll probably see us!_

Merlin figured that Morgana and Arthur were somewhat desperate to clear the foul odor around their family name, especially when it came to what happened with Lance. Still, Merlin had to respect the disadvantaged man: he refused any type of money or compensation from Arthur. While Merlin felt like Lance deserved whatever he wanted from Arthur, it definitely made a clear demonstration that Lance was not out for greed. Perhaps there were still latent selfish motivations: after all, Gwen only seemed more and more besotted by every noble action taken by Lance. His selfless nature continued to garner more and more respect from Gwaine and Arthur as well. While Lance did not necessarily seem like he was intent on “winning” anyone over, it was definitely helping his cause. Merlin really admired that part of Lance—after all, Merlin couldn’t say that he wouldn’t cave to his own selfish desires if he finally had the opportunity to do so.

Once Merlin walked through the doors, he was shocked to see that he was actually the _last_ one there. Gwaine and Morgana were on opposite ends of the wall-side of the booth. Gwen was between Morgana and Lance. Normally, Merlin wouldn’t have cared but for some reason his heart was racing at the thought of sitting next to Arthur. Blaming the other man’s expensive cologne, Merlin did his best to stifle his thoughts.

“Merlin! Glad you’re here—do you believe that rumor tweeted out by the Culinary Camelot account that says that the tots here are laced with cocaine?” Gwaine greeted the darker-haired man. “It explains why they’re extremely addicting.”

“There’s no way they _actually_ lace the tots with cocaine, Gwaine.” Morgana scoffed. “You would notice a numbing sensation in your mouth. Isn’t that right, Merlin? Correct me if I’m wrong but cocaine blocks sodium channels so it’s like an anesthetic, right?”

“Y-Yeah!” Merlin nodded despite not really having any idea if Morgana was right or not. He knew that sodium channel blockers would result in cells being unable to depolarize. Her reasoning made sense.

“I think you’re right, Morgana.” Lance chimed in. “My EMT class said cocaine has a lot of complicated effects. I think something about dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine.”

“Why are we still talking about cocaine?” Gwen shook her head. “What if someone overhears us? Next thing you know, the Pendragons are going to be peddling cocaine across town.”

“I mean, it happens pretty often here.” Arthur shrugged. When he noticed that several pairs of eyes were on him, he cleared his throat clumsily. “Not that I would know anything about that.”

“I thought this place was for the swingers? No wait, that’s the grille across the street right?” Gwaine pondered aloud. “I can’t keep up with this town’s proclivities.”

“Yes, the grille is where the swingers meet up. Morgana, didn’t you say that there were rumors of a prostitution ring here?” Gwen suddenly remembered as she drummed her fingers against the table.

“Oh right!” Morgana nodded. “I swear this town seems perfect on the outside but is just…rotten to its core from the inside.” Merlin, despite being new to Camelot, wondered if he could even defend the town. It had its perks, sure: Merlin had never felt like he belonged anywhere before. Even here—his anxiety still convinced him otherwise. But here he was: casually conversing with some people he could call his friends and some people he could almost call his friends.

“So, after we place our order, are we going to get to see some real-time Pendragon scheming?” Gwaine’s eyes twinkled. “Seeing Morgana plot out someone’s demise sounds like a fun time for an evening.”

“If you can keep up, Gwaine.” Arthur chuckled, his voice strangely making Merlin nervous. Perhaps it was his close proximity to the blond?

“Well, here’s to Uther Pendragon—and his incoming downfall.” Gwaine lifted his water glass. His motion was shortly followed by the rest of the table. Needless to say, the approaching waitress likely had questions on her mind that she could only imagine the answers to.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I would write a long-winded essay about how sorry I am for the immense delay. Medical school is a lot. Nonetheless, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. As the semester is coming to a close soon, I hope to be more on-top of updating this story! 
> 
> Warnings: mentions of alcohol/drinking; implicit mentions of self-harm; implicit mentions of sexual violence.

Merlin knew a lot of things. He could recite the enzymes in correct order for the electron transport chain. He could draw out the correct polysaccharide structure for maltose. He could even do a 12-step organic chemistry synthesis mechanism. But when he saw how Morgana and Arthur schemed, he really wondered how he _didn’t_ know about social sabotage. To the Pendragons, plotting out how to find information and extort a tycoon like Uther Pendragon was like a fluent second language. Even to Gwen and Gwaine—they seemed unfazed by the extensive scheming and plotting. Fortunately for Merlin, Lance seemed as perplexed—if not more than Merlin.

Their night at The Dragon had been productive, to say the least. Morgana provided a snapshot of Uther Pendragon’s weekly calendar so they could monitor where he would be. Arthur tried to one-up his sister by mentioning how he even flirted with one of Uther’s secretaries to confirm the plans on the agenda. Morgana, as if she was playing tennis, swung back at Arthur with a glorious smirk as she unveiled a key from her purse.

“How did you get that?!” Arthur had nearly wheezed, his body moving against Merlin’s thinner frame. “That’s the master key for the file cabinet!”

“It was easy!” Morgana had batted her eyes. “I just told them that I was one of Mr. Uther Pendragon’s personal assistants and I had misplaced the key for his file cabinet and I was really distraught because it was my first week and my mother was battling colon cancer—”

“You swindled a keymaker?” If Merlin could have labeled Gwaine’s voice, it would have been a perfect mixture of astonishment and amusement.

“No, no, Gwaine!” Morgana was sighing a lot that evening. “I called the file cabinet company—you know, the one that makes the cabinets. I convinced them to send me an extra key. I gave them the serial number to Father’s set of draws and promised to include free advertising for the company in the next company memo.”

“That’s…devious.” Lance had blinked a few times that night, struggling to keep up with everything. Gwen had patted his shoulder assuredly.

Somehow their tater-tot fueled discussions led to a whole full-fledged plan. From what Merlin remembered, it would be a 6-man operation. Uther Pendragon had a meeting at a government office that Lance remembered visiting with his cousin. Merlin was sure Lance gave some extra details, but Merlin was admittedly distracted by Arthur being beside him.

He could never say these thoughts aloud, but Arthur was…even more irritatingly handsome up close. He had this chiseled-like jaw as if he was carved from marble and brought to life from magic. Sure, Arthur’s cologne was probably worth more than Merlin’s paychecks at the coffeeshop, but it paid off: Merlin couldn’t help but continue trying to take in the smell. There was something so ruggedly handsome about Arthur—whether it was his cocky smirks or the excited glint in his eyes when he was about to crack a joke. Merlin figured that the blond _knew_ his assets and _knew_ how to flaunt his best sides. Still, being beside someone as…exuberant as Arthur reminded Merlin of his own lackluster body. He was lanky, skinny, and plain. He had big ears. When they were younger, Edwin would remind him that he looked like an alien from another planet.

The contrast between Merlin and Arthur only accentuated Merlin’s own insecurities. He imagined Arthur on a dating app like Tinder: he probably got a bunch of right-swipes and likes. Meanwhile, Merlin had to settle for random strangers who would find his anonymity and neuroticism somewhat endearing.

Fortunately, those thoughts didn’t last too long in Merlin’s mind that night as Gwen brought his attention back to the matter at hand. From what Merlin had surmised, the plan was now starting to involve him. Lance would be monitoring Uther Pendragon’s meeting at the government office at the outskirts of Camelot. Once Uther left the building, he was going to notify Gwen and Gwaine. Gwen was going to be at the Pendragon manor while Gwaine was going to follow Uther’s car. Gwaine’s location, which he would share with Gwen, would give them an estimate for how far away Uther was.

Gwen, due to her familiarity with the manor was in charge of staying posted by the kitchen. While Uther was the main obstacle, Arthur figured that sometimes a business associate—like their uncle, Agravaine—would stop by to pick up a file. Gwen was somewhat recognizable to the inner circle of the Pendragon family, so she would be the perfect distraction. Gwen even offered to have some baked goods ready to offer, claiming that it was for a nutrition elective at school. 

Merlin would be directly outside the office room in the big mansion. While Morgana and Arthur shuffled through the documents for any type of evidence that Uther lied about the affidavit, Merlin would be the final signal bearer for the siblings. If a worst-case scenario happened, Merlin would do his best to distract Uther so that Morgana and Arthur could put the office back together.

Merlin was so impressed with the plan that he didn’t even realize that Morgana already came through with a fallback plan. If Uther seemed suspicious by the sequence of events, Morgana was prepared to distract him with the results of her most recent medical school exam (“I aced it, obviously.” Morgana had boasted). She would also bring up the idea of diversifying her application for residency in the future by working with any medical subsidies through the Pendragon business grapevine. Arthur would feign ignorance and just claim that he was there to bother Morgana.

“Have you ever thought about robbing a bank, Morgana?” Merlin had chuckled as they wrapped up their plan. “Your ideas are…magnificent.”

“I appreciate the flattery, Merlin.” Morgana gave off a wide smile. “I’m eager to get justice for Lance.”

“I’m truly indebted to you all for helping me.” Lance had thanked the group. “And I hope to help you both with your retaliation against Alvarr and Valiant.” At the mention of Alvarr, Morgana’s smile noticeably had dampened. Merlin had thought about saying something but then her smile returned as if the grimace hadn’t been there before. It was almost like Morgana could wear different masks and switch between them with effortless energy. The rest of the night was more-or-less careless banter about sports (Lance and Arthur liked Barca while Gwaine called them ‘Messi’) and other trivial topics. It was a nice distraction from the vortex that often swirled inside Merlin’s racing mind.

* * *

Merlin was getting ready for his next shift at work when his phone started vibrating loudly against his unfolded bedsheets. Grabbing it, Merlin had a momentary thought about what if he had misread his schedule and Nimueh was calling to fire him and—oh, it was just Arthur. Wait—why was Arthur calling him?

“Helloooo?” Merlin answered the phone, half-wondering if the blond had accidentally dialed him instead of someone else.

“Why do you answer the phone like that?” Arthur immediately replied. “You sound like a cow near the end of that hello. You might as well be moo’ing.”

“Wow, I suppose someone took a piss in your coffee this morning.” Merlin scoffed as he held the phone between his shoulder and his ear. “Or Gwaine probably put that nasty pumpkin spice syrup.”

“I’ll have you know that pumpkin spice is quite underrated, Merlin.” Arthur quipped.

“How am I not surprised that you like PSL’s?” Merlin chuckled. “I’m impressed that you don’t let it affect your masculinity and all.”

“Wait, what?” Arthur paused. “Hold on, do people actually—”

“Gwaine didn’t tell you about that one guy who came in and ordered one and emphasized over-and-over that it was for his wife? And then we saw him drink like half of it on his way back to his car.” Merlin explained. “I’m somehow proud of you for not falling into that trap of toxic masculinity.”

“Oh, you’re starting to sound like Gwen again.” Arthur probably rolled his eyes on his side of the phone.

“So wait, why are you calling me in the first place?” Merlin paused as he finished putting on his socks.

“Oh, right. What’s your Venmo?”

“My…Venmo?” Merlin froze. Why was Arthur asking about his Venmo? He had only recently downloaded it after Gwaine told him to: it was a mobile payment service where people could send and receive money. Gwaine had borrowed some money from Merlin for some shoes and paid him back through the app.

“Oh god, do you not have a Venmo? Fine, CashApp works. Or even Zelle. Or are you one of those Apple Cash people?”

“Why do you need my…Venmo?” Merlin asked, confusion evident in his voice.

“I thought you were supposed to be smart, _Mer_ lin.” Arthur did that annoying intonation of the first syllabus of his name again. “I’m paying you back for dinner last night.”

“Dinner…what are you talking about, Arthur?” Merlin glanced at the time and saw that he was still running ahead of schedule. He didn’t want the chat with Arthur to lead to a write-up from Nimueh for time and attendance.

“Look, you, Gwen, Gwaine and Lance all work at the coffeeshop.” Arthur lowered his voice. “There’s no need for you guys to have to pay for all those drinks and food by yourself. It’s better if you, you know, save the money.”

“I…” Merlin was speechless. He truly hadn’t expected _this_.

“I offer this to all of my friends, Merlin. No need to think too deeply about it. I tried looking you up on Venmo but I couldn’t find you. Then again, wouldn’t be surprised if you were an alien trying to adapt to Earth’s technology. Or a wizard from the medieval times—”

“Wow, are you trying to make jokes?” It was Merlin’s turn to scoff. “Arthur, you don’t need to pay for my food or drinks. I know we joke about being broke, but I’m not that desolate.”

“Merlin, just let me send you the money. I saw your tab last night.”

“Arthur, you don’t have to send me anything.” Merlin nearly hissed. “Look, I appreciate the gesture. But if I ever needed you to pay for my meal, I would let you know.”

“I actually doubt that, but sure.” Arthur replied. “Look, It’s not a big deal.”

“Arthur, look—I have to start walking to work. It’s fine. I appreciate it but you don’t have to send me any money. In fact, I will most certainly reject your payment.”

“Why are you so stubborn?” Arthur hissed on the other side of the phone.

“Me?! Stubborn? Oh boy, have you met yourself, Arthur? You act like a royal prat.”

“So you’ve mentioned like a hundred times.” Arthur was probably rolling his eyes again. “You might have think that you won this round, but a Pendragon always pays his debts. See at you work, Merlin.” Blinking in surprise, Merlin glanced at his phone. Did that actually just happen? Did Arthur just parody Game of Thrones? Were they actually friends? 

* * *

“Does Arthur pay for your stuff sometimes?” Merlin asked in between steaming milk for two medium lattes.

“Sometimes, sure.” Gwen slowly replied as she helped sequence the cups for Merlin as he poured milk on top of the freshly pulled espresso shots. “Why do you ask?”

“He made a comment to me.” Merlin finally answered after lidding the beverages and handing them off to the customers. “Nothing major. Just…never really had fri—people who did that.” For some reason, using the word _friend_ felt odd for Merlin. Were they friends?

“Between us, I call it the Pendragon Guilt.” Gwen lowered her tone as if Morgana or Arthur were hovering around the corner. “Well, Elyan coined the term. Sometimes the siblings will be grossly generous. We think it’s partially to assuage their guilt for being rich.”

“For…being rich?” Merlin seemed puzzled. “I suppose, yeah, they have privilege.”

“Right.” Gwen nodded quickly. “The thing is—there’s rumors that some of their wealth came from exploiting others. I’ve never actually heard them address those rumors. But it could be part of why Arthur and Morgana feel this urge to make us their charity cases.”

“Isn’t that…kinda fucked up?” Merlin wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to that.

“Perhaps.” Gwen shrugged. “I mean, I would never accept something obscene like a new car or a diamond tiara. But paying for my tab every now and then—it helps me out and it helps them out, so I don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing.”

“You have an interesting way to examine these things, Gwen.” Merlin smiled. “I love the way you think.”

“Well if you like the way I think, then wait till you try my buns.” Gwen cheekily smiled until she realized what she said. There was an awkward silence before the two baristas erupted into a fit of giggles.

“I mean, have you let Lance try your buns?” Merlin teased a bit after the next few customers passed through the store. Gwen dramatically gasped and playfully poked Merlin.

“Merlin!” Gwen blushed. “I-I don’t know how to answer that.”

“I’m just happy if you’re happy.” Merlin eased off the joke. “I can sense that you and Lance get along really well.”

“We do…” Gwen paused, as if thinking of the next set of words to say. “And honestly, Merlin, I have to thank you for it.” To say Merlin blushed with that compliment would be an understatement. Luckily, a rush of school-aged children appeared to distract the two baristas.

* * *

“Merlin. I hope this is not a bad time.” Merlin heard Lance’s voice on the other side of the phone. He was getting ready for another shift at work. For some reason, this was the second time someone decided to call him as he was trying to get his uniform on properly. Last time was Arthur and his inane request to pay for Merlin’s tab. This time—to Merlin’s surprise—was Lance.

“Uh, nope, not a bad time.” Merlin confessed as he tried to find the missing pair to the sock that he had just put on his foot. “What’s up, Lance?”

“Well, as you know, the whole…Pendragon scheme is coming up soon.” Lance spoke with some hesitance in his usual calm voice. Merlin paused in his quest for locating the missing sock: Lance was right. It had been 3 days since the night at The Dragon and the plan was to be executed in 2 days. Time had flown by in between the shifts at work and the medical school applications that sucked too much energy from Merlin. He was a science student—not someone who could write polished essays about his commitment to medicine. Sure, he could express himself well but when the creeping anxiety about the admissions committee reading his words—suddenly he lost his ability to type.

“Merlin, you still there?” Merlin froze. He had momentarily got distracted with everything going on around him.

“Oh yes!” Merlin replied quickly. “Sorry, Lance. One of my socks is playing hide-and-seek with me.” There was a brief chuckle on Lance’s end before the other man replied.

“Well, I would offer to help but I suspect that this quest is solely meant for you.” Lance lightly teased.

“I sound like a protagonist on a fantasy TV show.” Merlin scoffed. “Anywho, you were talking about the whole scheme thing?”

“Yes.” Lance paused again. “I want to preface my comments by saying that I am truly grateful for the work that you and Gwen have done. Still, after some thinking, I just wonder: are we doing the right thing?”

“What do ya mean, Lance?” Merlin paused in his efforts to locate the missing sock. “This is the best way we can save your reputation and get justice.”

“I agree that justice is a nice reward as well as retribution for the past.” Lance sighed. “I suppose I just feel uneasy. Gwen seems very comfortable going along with the Pendragon siblings in whatever they say. That is not to say that I do not trust Gwen but—”

“It’s weird, yeah.” Merlin breathed loudly. “Sorry, I don’t know if that’s what you—”

“No, exactly, Merlin.” Lance’s voice quivered with some excitement. “It is…strange, to say the least. On one hand, I believe in justice and fairness. On the other hand, being underhanded and coy seem like the antithesis of what I would want.”

“It’s definitely complicated.” Merlin validated.

“I actually reached out to you because I think you can understand the situation from my vantage point the best. After all, you and Arthur had some previous altercations.” Lance didn’t directly mention the physical altercation at the pharmacy, but Merlin figured that’s what the other man was referring to with his words.

“Yeah.” Merlin sighed. “I honestly don’t know what to say about Arthur and me. It’s not like I hate him as much as I did before. But it’s also…I can’t say that…” Merlin paused and tried to think of the best way to phrase his thoughts. He struggled sometimes with how fast his thoughts raced.

“You and Gwen were among the first friends I made in this town.” Merlin finally clarified. “And I feel at ease around you guys. I like Gwaine, too. He makes me laugh and he’s a chill guy. But the Pendragon siblings—they’re like batting for a whole other league. And believe me, I’m rubbish at _any_ sport.” Lance laughed at Merlin’s attempt to lace a joke into his serious confession.

“I think I hear you, Merlin.” Lance hummed. “You know, Gwen has been recommending episodes of _Friends_ to me and there’s this line in the theme song and it goes ‘no one told you life was gonna be this way.’”

“Oh my gosh, I love _Friends_!” Merlin exclaimed. “But I know what line you’re referring to. I have to agree with you. If you had told me that I would be a barista after college and that I would be scheming to extort a businessman who basically runs this small-town—I don’t think I would have believed you.”

“Similarly, if you had told me that the Pendragon siblings would be the key to unlocking the shackles placed upon me, I do not think I would have believed you.” Lance chuckled softly.

“You doing okay though, Lance? I imagine this is a lot for you.” Merlin was hesitant to approach the topic but figured there was no time like the present.

“I think I am doing alright, Merlin. Thank you. When all of this is over, please remind me that I owe you a delicious dinner.”

“Be careful, Lance. I might actually hold you to that promise.” Merlin teased. “Anyways, I have to find this other sock before work. You should stop by later tonight. Gwaine and I are closing with Elyan.”

“I will consider it. Thanks, Merlin.” Lance was probably giving off his trademark handsome smile. Now, if Merlin could channel that charm into attracting his missing sock…

* * *

_Hey Morgana._ Merlin typed on his screen. He was tired after his shift tonight at work. His clothes still held that trademark smell of sweat, coffee, sugar, and cleaning chemicals. Normally, he would have changed out of his clothes before opening his laptop to aimlessly browse the web. But this time, some of the medical school application questions were lingering too heavily on his mind.

_Hey Morgana. It’s Merlin._ No, that would be stupid. Obviously, Morgana knows who Merlin is and what his phone number is. They’re in a group chat. But they’ve never texted each other individually. Was Merlin overthinking this? Quickly deleting the ‘ _It’s Merlin_ ,’ Merlin contemplated what he exactly wanted to ask the medical student.

_Hey Morgana. Was wondering if you might be available to help me with some medical school applications. If you have time. No big deal if not. I know you’re busy._ Merlin finally typed after much consternation over his typed words. Glancing over his message three times, Merlin finally added another sentence:

_Also getting excited to scheme with you this weekend!_

With that final touch, Merlin tapped his phone screen and sent his message to Morgana. Placing his phone aside, Merlin decided to change out of his worn clothes and into something more comfortable. Right as he grabbed a more comfortable shirt, Merlin noticed his phone vibrating against his bedsheets. When he looked at the caller ID, he saw it was Morgana calling him.

“Hey Morgana!” Merlin answered.

“Merlin!” Morgana’s voice was high-pitched. “Oh my gosh, hi Merlin!” Merlin paused as he wondered exactly what was up with Morgana. Normally, she sounded composed and almost a bit terrifying.

“H-Hey.” Merlin weakly replied. “You doing alright, Morgana?”

“Doing great Merlin!” Morgana giggled. “Out at a bar with some friends. Saw your text. Would _loooooove_ to help you out. We can be doctors together in the future!” Oh, so Morgana was _drunk_. Merlin chuckled as he figured that she deserved to let loose especially after all the stress that had been placed on her shoulders between school and everything else.

“Great. I really appreciate you, Morgana. I don’t want to take away from your—”

“Merlin, I have a question for _youuuuu_.” Morgana sung the last word in her sentence. Merlin heard some shuffling on the other side of the phone and wondered what could Morgana Pendragon want to ask him. After some more shuffling sounds dissipated, Morgana’s voice came clear again in the speaker. “You’re _smaaaaart_ , right? Like you’re gonna be a _doctorrrrrr_ or something.”

“So are you, Morgana.” Merlin chuckled. “I don’t know if I would say I’m as smart as you, though.”

“ _Sooooo_ humble.” Morgana’s words broke up over the next few moments and Merlin didn’t exactly understand what she was saying until the reception cleared up again. “—an idiot for saying you were an _asshole_.”

“Excuse me?!” Merlin furrowed his brow, wondering what the drunken woman could be talking about.

“Arthu _rrrrrr_!” Morgana giggled. “He said you were an _asshole_ which was _sooooooo_ funny. You’re _soooo_ nice.” Merlin blushed slightly at Morgana complimenting him. He took an educated guess that Morgana was referring to the previous tense relationship between Arthur and himself.

“Well, I would happily do anything to prove him wrong.” Merlin lightly teased before straightening his back as if Morgana was right in front of him. “Say, Morgana, I wanted to ask—”

“M _errrlinnnn_ why…why didn’t anyone help me like you helped A _rthurrr_?” Merlin froze and felt his heart thumping against his chest. The Pendragon siblings had a knack for rendering Merlin speechless. Was Morgana referring to what Merlin thought she was referring to—or in other words, Gwaine’s party?

“M-Morgana I—”

“ _Nooooo_ ,” Morgana giggled, “I’m just…you and Arthur _hated_ each other. And you took a poison for him.”

“I-It wasn’t a…”

“Gwen and her boo came _loooooooking_ for me, yeah.” Morgana continued talking as if Merlin hadn’t said anything. “But no one _careddddd_ that I was with Alvarr. You know why I even went with him?”

“U-Um…” Merlin was slightly uncomfortable. He was not expecting this type of conversation with Morgana, especially at this point of the night. Steeling himself, he tried his best to be as supportive as he could. “W-Why did you go with him?”

“ _He got meeeee_.” Morgana sang. “Alvarr understoooooood me. I was hurt when Gwen ghosted meeeeee. I don’t blame herrrrrrr because my family is all types of fucked up, _Merlinnnnnnn_.” For some reason, Merlin preferred the way Arthur said his name when he was trying to irritate Merlin.

“I…what do you mean, Morgana?” Merlin asked as sincerely as he could. He had his suspicions that the Pendragon family were the typical “perfect-on-paper” type of family, but he never really knew specifics.

“I—oh shoot, my friends here. I have to goooooooooo I’ll talk to you later Merlin!” Morgana abruptly hung up the phone, leaving Merlin confused. Was he just hallucinating that phone call? If it wasn’t for his phone log, he would have honestly believed that the stress and fatigue from work had led him to daydream or something.

Quietly making his way downstairs for some water and hoping to not awake a snoring Gaius, Merlin questioned what _exactly_ was he about to hear from Morgana. A part of him wanted to reach out to Gwen and ask her what Morgana could be referring to—but he suspected that Gwen was not only asleep to prepare for her open tomorrow morning at the store but that she might not be willing to talk about Morgana’s secrets.

An idea popped into Merlin’s head as he chugged a glass of water. Someone did come to mind when it came to dissecting and understanding the complicated Pendragon family: Gwaine. Withdrawing his phone from his back pocket, Merlin dialed Gwaine’s number and hoped that the other man would answer his phone. After the second ring, Gwaine’s voice suddenly appeared on the other line.

“Merlin, is this a booty call?”

“Gwaine—I—no!” Merlin blushed, Gwaine’s innuendo scrambling his thoughts. “I wanted to talk to you about something. I just got off the phone with Morgana.”

“You talked to her on the phone? Her snap story made it seem like she was living it up with her doctor friends.” Gwaine chuckled. “Wait, was she calling _you_ for a booty call?”

“Gwaine, listen to me very closely.” Merlin exhaled sharply. “There are _no_ booty calls associated with this conversation.”

“But the booty—”

“Gwaine!”

“Fine, fine. I’ll be serious Gwaine. Why are you even awake, Merlin? Isn’t it past your bedtime? I’m definitely pooped after today’s shift.” Gwaine couldn’t resist being lighthearted in his attempts to be ‘serious.’

“I am. And well, I texted Morgana about some medical school stuff and then she called me. But she said some…disturbing—well, sorta disturbing stuff.” Merlin heard some shuffling as if Gwaine was changing his position. When he next heard Gwaine’s voice, he noticed that the octave had dropped slightly.

“Disturbing how?” Gwaine asked. Merlin briefly described Morgana’s comment about how no one was looking after her and how her family was “all types of fucked up.”

“Hm…” Gwaine hummed after Merlin explained what he had heard.

“I guess you don’t have to tell me _what_ ’s going on with that family, but is like…should I be concerned?” Merlin asked, tapping his fingers against the sink nervously.

“That’s not an easy answer, Merlin.” Gwaine replied. “Look, mate, I think you’re a chill guy. And it’s great that you get on with the Pendragons. But from what I know—and I don’t know much—but that family has some skeletons in their closets. And by skeletons, I’m talking about like Game of Thrones Red Wedding type of body count.”

“That…does little to ease my concerns, Gwaine. Not to state the obvious, but we’re hanging out with them in a few days to break into Uther Pendragon’s office. Should I be fearing for my life here?”

“Yes.” Gwaine said. Merlin paused as there was some silence. Gwaine finally let out a chuckle as if he had been holding it in. “No, of course not, Merlin. As long as I’m here, you have nothing to fear.”

“Well…” It didn’t escape Merlin that Gwaine had used humor to deflect an answer to Merlin’s concerns. “Is Morgana going to be okay?”

“I don’t know.” Gwaine confessed. “I hope so. But I can’t tell the future.”

“Should we tell someone about what she said?” Merlin asked cautiously.

“Who is there to tell?” Gwaine sighed. “Uther Pendragon basically rules this town. If anything, we’re all just little players in a grand performance for him.”

“That’s…surprisingly existential, Gwaine.”

“It is what it is, Merlin.” Gwaine continued as if he wasn’t slowly deflating Merlin’s optimism. “I think your heart is as big as your ears, and that’s cute. But you can’t let the Pendragons get to you like that. They have their own weight to carry and it’s hard to watch them struggle since they can actually be humane at times. But until they reach out for help directly—you can’t jump in and save them.”

Merlin blinked and almost checked his phone to make sure that he was actually talking to Gwaine. The same Gwaine that—not even two minutes earlier—was keen on making a ‘booty’ joke.

“If you’re wondering where wise Gwaine came from,” Gwaine read Merlin’s silence correctly, “then you can thank Berry Gelato. I got a good eighth earlier today and it’s quite delicious.” Merlin almost wanted to laugh—of course Gwaine was probably super stoned as he was imparting wise words of wisdom.

“Well, before you hang up, any other wise words of wisdom, Sage Gwaine?” Merlin joked.

“Yes, my young grasshopper.” Gwaine cleared his throat. “First, do not eat the cheese that chases you.”

“What the hell does—”

“Two, never tickle a sleeping dragon—”

“Isn’t that from _Harry Potter_ —”

“And finally—love yourself, mate. You’re a beautiful person, in-and-out. I can’t believe I have to tell you this. You think of yourself pretty lowly and seeing how nice you are—even to someone like _Arthur_ —it pains me to think that you would subject yourself to those mean words.”

Merlin froze as his throat became dry. Why was everyone in his life so dramatic tonight? At the rate that this night was going, Gaius was going to wake up and tell Merlin that he was pregnant.

“G-Gwaine…” Merlin wasn’t sure what to say. A dark thought crossed Merlin’s mind as he glanced down at his left arm. Had Gwaine seen any of his—

“Before you ask, Merlin, yes, I am psychic.” Gwaine announced as if he was giving a speech. “But seriously, mate. I see the way you hide away from making eye contact with everyone. The way you seem nervous before you ask questions. Maybe it’s the weed—it probably is the weed—but I just hope Sensei Gwaine is able to teach you how to love yourself. And if that ever requires a booty call—”

“I think Gaius is giving birth, I should probably go, Gwaine.” Merlin quickly rambled before hanging up the phone. His heart racing, Merlin poured himself another glass of water as he tried to collect his thoughts. Somehow a conversation about Morgana became about Merlin and Merlin wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

Either way, Merlin figured he had some time to decompress before the ‘big day’ arrived. And little did he know the twist that awaited him and his friends in a few days. If only Gwaine’s weed-induced psychic abilities could have warned them about what might happen… 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super long delay. School got really tough, along with some other issues that arose. I'm starting to get back into the swing of writing again. I want to give a very special shout-out to FervidAsAFlame (https://archiveofourown.org/users/FervidAsAFlame) who listened to my rants and encouraged me to keep on going even though I was deathly afraid of people no longer being interested in the story. 
> 
> Warnings: mentions of alcohol/drinking and implicit mentions of self-harm.

Today was the day. The day that Merlin and his newfound band of friends were going to essentially break into business conglomerate Uther Pendragon’s home office. Arthur and Morgana knew what to look for: the affidavit that ‘Arthur’ signed which condemned Lance for the murder of Gareth. Once they found the document, it would be a “cake walk” according to Morgana to prove that the signature was falsified. With that key part of the evidence neutralized, Lance’s record would be cleaned. While the group wasn’t sure what would happen next—they were nonetheless excited to help Lance out. It felt like one of those heist movies to Merlin. They each had a role to play and everything seemed to fall in place.

Lance was closer to the government buildings of Camelot. Uther Pendragon had a meeting on his calendar. With Lance monitoring the patriarch of the Pendragon family, the group would have a gauge for how far away the man was. In the meantime, Gwaine was sitting in his car and playing some game on his phone. Once Lance gave the signal to the group, Gwaine would follow Uther Pendragon’s car back home. With Gwaine’s location marked on their phones, the group would have a real-time idea of where Uther Pendragon was.

Gwen was using the kitchen at the lavish Pendragon manor. With her friendship with Morgana seemingly intact, Gwen was offered to use the kitchen for her nutrition class. The true motive was for Gwen to monitor if anyone unexpected arrived at the Pendragon house. While Gwen was baking for their success party, Merlin would be outside the office room. Arthur and Morgana would have the best idea on how to search through the cabinet files and other documents in the furnished office. If—worst case scenario—someone tried to access the office, Merlin would serve as the signal.

The plan seemed foolproof. Merlin still felt some anxiety about it—after all, it was perhaps an affliction of his to consider the worst-case scenario. Lance and Merlin had been talking about their general unease with scheming, but Merlin could still detect some excitement from Lance on being able to move past this whole incident that had gravely affected Lance’s life.

“Everyone in position?” Morgana spoke into the call. They were on a group phone call together as everyone got comfortable in their locations.

“Yes. Uther Pendragon just walked into his meeting. The calendar you sent us, Morgana, suggests that he will be there for at least an hour.” Lance replied.

“Father is quite punctual and strict to his schedule. We should be prepared in case he ends the meeting early, like when he doesn’t get his way.” Morgana sighed.

“Well, I’m here for that, love.” Gwaine’s voice appeared in the call. “My car’s gas tank is full—thanks to the Pendragon credit line and I look forward to tailing your father.”

“Don’t get distracted, Gwaine.” Arthur warned solemnly. “Gwen, are you ready in the kitchen downstairs?”

“Yup!” Gwen smiled. “I have all the ingredients ready. Chocolate chip muffins, blueberry scones, almond butter croissants, and toffeedoodle cookies. This is going to be a fun feast.”

“That sounds so good.” Merlin mumbled.

“Don’t lose focus, _Mer_ lin.” Arthur chastised the other man. “You have to put on your best face for any unexpected visitors.”

“I doubt it’ll take us that long.” Morgana was using Arthur’s phone in the call as they were next to each other. “It isn’t our first office espionage.”

“I’m afraid to ask what that means.” Merlin admitted, earning a chuckle from the Pendragon siblings.

“Here’s to Lance.” Arthur finished the call. “Here’s to justice.”

* * *

Merlin was hanging around the office door, watching Morgana scroll through the desktop computer. Arthur, on the other hand, was digging through a thick band of files at the top drawer of the file cabinet. Merlin couldn’t help but notice how concentrated Arthur looked. There was something to be said for Arthur’s dedication to clearing Lance’s name. While they were getting along fine now, Lance was probably nothing more than a friendly acquaintance for Arthur. Yet, despite the lack of a solidified relationship, Arthur was willing to go against his father to help Lance. That was pretty remarkable.

Uther Pendragon’s office was, in short, remarkable. Despite it being in _his_ house, Merlin had found it amusing to see a name plate on the desk with Uther Pendragon’s name. There were personal pictures in frames—Merlin guessed that they had pictures of Morgana, Arthur, and their mother. Some office supplies were haphazardly scattered around which made Merlin wonder if the business conglomerate was one of those people who still lived in the past of paper-trails instead of digital emails.

The sound of the file cabinet door sliding shut shook Merlin from his brief perusal of Uther Pendragon’s office. Arthur ran a hand through his golden blond locks, the front of a frustrated storm rolling through his features.

“Nothing so far.” Arthur clicked his tongue. “There’s a lot of boring documents about tax stuff and acquisition stuff, but nothing legal. What about you, ‘Gana?” Merlin peeked closer into the room where the raven-haired medical student was scrolling through documents with lightning-fast speed. Merlin could easily imagine how she quickly digested textbooks with the way she was reading through complicated documents. When she registered that Arthur was talking to her, she leaned back on the chair.

“Nothing yet.” Morgana sighed. “I tried looking up Lance’s name and the name of his cousin, but nothing yet. I’m worried that maybe the documents were scanned so I can’t search for them with a text-based query.”

“Are you saying that they would be scanned…like an image? And so if you searched Lance’s name in the bar, it wouldn’t show up?” Merlin asked to which Morgana simply nodded.

“Let’s keep on looking. I’m sure we’ll find something.” Arthur exhaled sharply as he prepared himself for more papercuts at the sight of the thick files in the next draw. Merlin thought about offering his help but he knew that he had to be ready in case someone appeared. On a more positive note, Merlin could smell some buttery confection baking in the oven. He was definitely excited for whatever Gwen was preparing.

When Merlin looked back into the room, Arthur still held a dejected look on his face. Morgana, however, seemed more focused on her screen. Inwardly, Merlin wondered if she had found something, but he figured that she would have alerted them. Leaning against the wall, Merlin thought about the current situation. Here he was with friends that he couldn’t have ever predicting having. If Merlin had been told that he would be getting Gaius to smuggle him a prescription drug or that they would be searching through the files of a rich businessman—he probably would have wondered if he was drunk again. The slight itch of some fading scars reminded him of the deadly combination alcohol arrived with: his favorite silver blades. Shuddering at the thought, Merlin tried to remain positive despite the silence that only fertilized his anxiety.

When Merlin’s phone _ping_ ’ed, he wondered if Gaius didn’t see his note about being out in the morning. When he saw Lance’s name flash on his phone, his heart dropped.

**Lance:** I just saw Mr. Pendragon leaving his meeting. He seems angry.

“U-Uh, Arthur? Morgana?” Merlin whispered as he stared at the screen of his phone when it _ping_ ’ed again.

**Gwaine:** Bloke just got into his car. Turning my location on. Shouldn’t be too far behind him.

“Mr. Pendragon’s on his way home!” Merlin blurted. That caught the attention of the Pendragon siblings who paused. Morgana seemed more wide-eyed than Merlin expected, although he imagined that it was because her calculations had been incorrect. She was the one who had shared a copy of his calendar.

“Already?!” Morgana hissed. “Shit!”

“Will we have enough time? Merlin, you might have to stall him.” Arthur pleaded, something earnest in his voice tugging at Merlin’s heart-strings. It was like Arthur was a knight that lived for justice and equity. To be so close to achieving that justice seemed to spur Arthur forward as he continued to dig through the files. Merlin wouldn’t say it aloud, but he wondered how carefully Arthur was looking now considering how fast he was moving through the papers.

Merlin watched with creeping fear as Gwaine’s marker on his _Maps_ application continued to get closer and closer. Merlin wasn’t sure if Uther Pendragon was speeding or if he was just driving normally and Merlin was the one hyperventilating. Either way—time was starting to run out. The ding of the oven going off nearly sent Merlin into cardiac arrest.

“Um, I think he’s, um, turning onto the road.” Merlin yelled uncharacteristically loud. It seemed to be true as Gwaine’s car was slowly reaching the address of the Pendragon manor. This plan was going off the rails too quickly for Merlin’s liking. Would they even have another chance if they couldn’t find the papers? What if Uther Pendragon suspected what they were doing? What if he was one of those diabolical villains that destroyed evidence? What if—

“I found it!!” Morgana screamed. Merlin didn’t miss how Arthur nearly jumped at the shrill sound of his sister’s voice. “I-I found it. I’m going to print it.” For a moment, Merlin swore it looked like Morgana was typing something out but he figured that there was some type of password needed to print or something. His heart swelled as Morgana started to explain that the affidavit that Arthur had ‘signed’ was clearly not his signature. As the papers finished printing (“I always print two copies.” Morgana explained), the raven-haired girl suddenly shut off the computer and stood up with her purse clenched in her hand.

“I-I have to go, okay? Um, we have a group project due and I just got a text about it and I’ll call you all later.” Morgana handed the papers to Arthur before rushing past Merlin. Scrunching his nose in confusion, Merlin only heard her heels clacking against the stairs as she raced through the house. Merlin guessed that forgetting a project would spiral Morgana into some anxiety. It worried him slightly when Gwen called out for Morgana only to hear the door shut.

“Excellent!” Arthur grinned, shoving the file cabinets shut. To Merlin’s surprise, the bigger blond man threw his arm around Merlin’s shoulders as they exited the office together. There was a genuine smile on Arthur’s face as he beamed with the papers in his hand. Merlin didn’t mind _per se_ the physical proximity between him and Arthur but it was…uncharacteristic. “Merlin, we did it. We’re going to help Lance get the justice he deserves!”

“Y-Yeah.” Merlin hesitated. “You and Morgana did most of the work. And Gwaine. And Lance. And Gwen.”

“Please.” Arthur scoffed. “If it wasn’t for you meddling, we wouldn’t have ever gotten to the truth.” In what seemed like a weird fever dream, Arthur actually grabbed Merlin’s neck and pulled him closer as he ruffled Merlin’s hair. “We did it, Merlin!” Arthur continuously cried out as they finally broke apart to race down to the kitchen.

As if the timing was matched, a stern Uther Pendragon appeared through the front door. Gwen’s customer-service voice echoed through the house as she greeted Mr. Pendragon with a tray of pastries.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Pendragon! Would you like a pastry? Morgana let me use your kitchen for my project.” Gwen talked as if she wasn’t stalling. Uther Pendragon paused as he rubbed a hand down his face, as if applying some invisible mask. In front of Merlin’s eyes, the man went from looking strained to appearing unreadable. There was a sense of authority and domination that came with the businessman. Merlin didn’t know how Gwen was not stammering underneath his intense gaze. Was she used to it?

“Father!” Arthur loudly pronounced as he led the way down the staircase. Gwen turned and smiled brightly at Merlin, as if she understood the meaning of Arthur’s appearance. “You look dashing today.”

“Shut it, Arthur.” Uther Pendragon adjusted his tie as he reached for one of the toffeedoodle cookies. “Thank you, Guinevere.” Gwen nodded and went back to the kitchen, beckoning Merlin to follow her. As Arthur and Uther went into another room to talk about whatever the two talked about, Gwen pushed Merlin into a seat with a cookie in his hand.

“Why did Morgana run out like that?” Gwen asked quietly as if afraid that Uther would appear around the corner. “Did you guys find everything?”

“Uh, yeah!” Merlin spoke after taking a bite of the delicious buttery cookie. “Morgana found the affidavit. Arthur says that it’ll be easy to show that it isn’t his signature. She said something about a group project that she forgot about.”

“Oh.” Gwen pouted before erasing her frown with a smile. “Let me text the group-chat with the good news! Oh, I’m so happy for Lance!”

**Gwen:** The mission was successful!

**Gwaine:** *gif of someone dancing*

**Lance:** :)

**Lance:** Thank you all so much. I am truly indebted to you.

**Gwaine:** Buy me a round of shots and we’ll be even.

Merlin couldn’t deny the beating of his heart as it fluttered in happiness. He wouldn’t admit that _maybe_ being around Arthur had something to do with it. The way that the bigger man grabbed him and ruffled his hair was…Merlin immediately shut the thought down of associating _attractive_ with _Arthur Pendragon_.

* * *

“It sucks that Morgana couldn’t make it!” Gwaine sighed as he took a sip of his beer. Merlin and his friends sat at a table at The Dragon, celebrating the success of their plan. There were happy sentiments shared around the table as Arthur boasted about how hard he searched for the documents only for Morgana to find it at the last minute. Gwaine joked about how his years of playing Mario Kart helped him tail Uther Pendragon. Lance even cracked a joke about how his darker skin color likely gave him some invisibility from the people around the building. Gwen seemed to find that joke especially funny.

“So what happens next?” Merlin asked after he took a swig of his drink.

“I think we’re going to talk to my dad.” Arthur lowered his voice. “Morgana and I talked about it. While it’s not impossible but fighting a case against my father will take a lot more time. If we can show him the evidence and strong-arm him into helping clear the charges against Lance, then it’ll be smooth sailing for everyone.”

“Will it not put you or Morgana in danger of being punished?” Lance asked.

“Eh. We get in trouble all the time.” Arthur shrugged as he finished the last of his drink. “He’ll be pissed for a few days and then Morgana will probably ace one of her tests and he’ll take us all out to dinner.”

“You don’t impress him with your test scores, Arthur?” Merlin whispered. “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Gwaine and Gwen suddenly let out loud peals of laughter as Arthur flushed as red as his shirt. With a heightened look of annoyance, Arthur crossed his arms against his chest—and it took all of Merlin’s strength _not_ to notice how tight the muscles appeared underneath Arthur’s shirt.

“Excuse me, _Mer_ lin. At least I didn’t have a panic attack when my father left the building.” Arthur scoffed.

“I’m surprised you heard that after all the bloody war scars—sorry, I mean paper cuts that you sustained.” Merlin grinned as Arthur’s face fell even more. Gwaine continued laughing, slapping his arm against Arthur’s shoulder.

“I just want to thank you all again for believing in me.” Lance interjected with a sincere smile. “I…I really am grateful to all of you.”

“I’m happy that justice could prevail.” Arthur huffed, looking away from Merlin. “I’m also glad to put this ugly affair behind us.”

“Hey, what about Valiant and Alvarr?” Gwen questioned after taking a sip of her Long Island Iced Tea.

“Oh, they’ll be next.” Gwaine grinned. “I love watching the Pendragons take down people. It’s like watching one of those jousting matches or like in those video games where the wizard summons holy hell for the enemies.”

“It’s nice just being around you guys, to be honest.” Merlin mumbled.

“I’m honored that you left your other friends for us, Merlin.” Arthur seemed to have been the only one who heard Merlin, prompting the man’s ears to redden. “Be careful with that cheesiness or else I might become lactose intolerant.”

“Mate, do you remember that milk chugging competition—”

“Oh god, Gwaine, don’t remind me.” Arthur sniffed his nose in disgust.

“Wait, what happened?!” Gwen grinned, leaning forward to hear the story. Merlin tuned out, although he caught some words about how one of their friends won and then puked his guts out. This was nice, Merlin thought to himself. Being around friends. Being around people. It was like…a fire against the night that provided him shelter and warmth. The warmth it carried was like a shield against those thoughts that plagued Merlin—the urges to kiss his silver blade and fall deeper into the darkness.

Maybe things would be okay for now. Merlin found a group of friends that he more-or-less got along with. He had a job as a barista (even if he _hated_ making frappucinos). He could maybe rely on Morgana’s help to get into medical school. And with enough time maybe he could—

_They would never accept you_. A voice slithered into Merlin’s mind, crashing down the castle built from his mirth. _Arthur, Gwaine and Lance would be disgusted if they knew you liked men. Morgana would be so disgusted that she would never want to help you. Gwen would ignore you at work. And that’s not if they knew about your wrists or your drinking. Or the hospitalization—_

“Merlin!” Gwaine’s voice grabbed the slithering sound and overpowered it. “Do you think Arthur could wear donkey ears for the next Halloween party?” Where had Merlin left the conversation?! They had gone from talking about chugging milk to…wearing donkey ears?

“Well, he does like to make an ass of himself.” Merlin chuckled, earning a deep glower from Arthur as everyone else at the table laughed. To Merlin’s relief, that voice did not return for the rest of the time at The Dragon.

* * *

As Merlin stumbled into his bed (the alcohol was hitting him hard tonight), he thought back to how _nice_ Arthur smelled. How _nice_ Arthur was to compliment him. How _nice_ Arthur was to offer to pay for him.

“No!” Merlin blurted out as he widened his eyes. He was _not_ going to swoon over Arthur. He knew better. The blond man was the ideal heterosexual icon: muscular, attractive, rich, and surprisingly intelligent. They were lucky that they had gone from disliking each other to being friendly around each other. So what if Arthur had brought him close and ruffled his hair? So what if Arthur seemed okay having Merlin around? Maybe that voice from earlier was right: Arthur would immediately reject Merlin on so many levels that it wasn’t even worth entertaining the thought.

As Merlin turned off his lights and prepared for bed, he decided to set an alarm on his phone so he wouldn’t oversleep his next shift. Surprisingly, he hadn’t heard his phone _ping_ with the new unread notification. Who had texted him so late at night? Maybe it was one of his friends—drunk off their asses?

**Unknown Number:** Wait till everyone else finds out about what you’ve done. No one will ever want to be around you again.

As if the alcohol had drained from his system, Merlin stared at the message. Who was this anonymous texter? How had they obtained his number? Was it Edwin again? Wait—no, Merlin had his number saved. Who the hell was this?!

**Merlin:** I don’t know who this is, but your jokes aren’t funny.

Hoping it was just a wrong number or a prank, Merlin jumped into bed despite the aching feeling in his heart. Maybe Arthur or Gwaine were pranking him? When his phone vibrated against his nightstand, Merlin contemplated reaching for it. Finally, curiosity got the better of him and he grabbed the device.

**Unknown Number:** I know all about you. You and Edwin. You breaking into Uther Pendragon’s office and looking through his files. Once everyone discovers what a snake you are, getting into medical school will be the least of your concerns.

**Merlin:** Who is this? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

**Unknown Number:** If you want your secrets to stay safe, then you’re going to do as I say. Tomorrow, you’re going to tell Uther Pendragon what Arthur & Morgana are planning to do.

Dropping his phone onto his bed, Merlin froze. This couldn’t be happening. Who was this?! How did they know about the heist?! About him and Edwin?! His goals to get into medical school were public, sure, but not _that_ widespread, he imagined. Trying to sleep, Merlin fell into a fit of nightmares as he imagined a masked serial killer chasing him down a hallway. Maybe if he could escape the killer in his dreams, he would wake up and find out that the texts were just part of a nightmare.

Unfortunately, when morning rolled around, the texts were still there.


End file.
